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Morning After Report: 90210 Episode 22: 'The Party's Over'

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Annie and Naomi look the way I do when I watch 90210, except I would never do either of those things to my hair. Notice the Dr Pepper product placement? Yes, it's under Semi Hot Teacher's real-life name. Yes, I take pictures of my TV. Deal.
The gang's all gathered in the WBHHS cafeteria to rock some dubious hairstyles and drink some delicious Dr Pepper (I guess they opted not to ban soda in schools like most SoCal school districts, but hey, whatev) and to listen to Adrianna and Navid spill some dubious beans. It's not news to us, so we don't need to do a Dr Pepper spit-take like Dixon when the couple announce Ade's keeping her baby and she and Navid are getting hitched.

However...the gang is completely not enthused about their plan. In fact they point out all the drawbacks and offer zero cheer. Because they are mature, Navid & Ade basically run away from the table. A promising start to parenting and marriage.

After school, Dixon and Silver have a heart to heart about Silver's struggles with moving on after her Bipolar meltdown. But, uh oh, she's not going to be able to deal with going with Dixon to West Bev's prom. That's right, kids, we've got a prom coming up, and if springtime teenage dance rituals on the og 90210 are any indication (drunkenness, virginity lost, big secrets revealed, dress missteps) this has the potential to be epic. Of course, why these non-seniors are discussing "prom" is beyond me, since, if I think back into the cobwebby annals of my memory banks to my own youth, prom proper is for seniors.

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Silver, will you not go to prom with me?
Naomi has deigned to sup with her father, and his assessment of her living situation is rather charming: "Well, I guess the Wilson family has had enough of your shenanigans." Dad, you might be a two-timing snake with heinous parenting skills and questionable ethics, but you're also kind of funny. High five. Anyhow, it's back to the usual smarm as he espouses his devotion to values, morals, and "clean living" and Naomi laughs in his face. And look who's joining the duo--Party Girl Jen, the prodigal older daughter.Jen's got one hell of a set of balls on her, because she effortlessly blackmails Dad into agreeing to give Naomi her first installment of her trust fund 5 years early so that Jen and Naomi can move in together. Naomi is pretty surprised that Jen wants to live with her, and Jen's "Honey, I wouldn't abandon you in your time of need" seemed just suspicious enough to make me think Jen is going to, well, frankly, abandon Naomi.

"Do you want to live in Bel Air, Los Feliz, Hollywood Hills...?" offers Jen. Hey, Naomi, guess what that means? You'd be changing schools! Those 'hoods all happen to be in the City of Los Angeles, and that means LAUSD. Where the cafeterias don't have Dr Pepper. Or espresso machines. (Jen neglects to mention this, because she lives in an imaginary world. Oh, Jen.)

It's a new day in the halls of West Bev, and Ade finds an invitation inside her locker to her own Baby & Bridal shower courtesy of Naomi, who has taken a page from the Party Girl Jen playbook and tells Ade she "won't abandon her in her time of need." And what teen bride and mom to be doesn't need a shower? I wouldn't mind attending, if only to eat the Nobu sushi and Sweet Lady Jane pastries Naomi is ordering. Food based in reality! (Although pregnant women shouldn't eat sushi, so way to be considerate of the guest of honor, Naomi.) Anyhow: Delish! Her high is ruined after school, however, when two bitchy catty girls block her car in the parking lot. Zing, Naomi! Burn, burn! The daughter of your father's legal foe is going to make your life so difficult.

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Is that a pinata behind you, or are you just happy to run into me when I'm actually somewhere else on this holiday we won't actually mention or celebrate?
Party Girl Jen is hanging out at the Dr Pepper Pit, where it seems Nat has optioned to introduce a second business selling Fiesta-themed party goods. Or, for no apparent reason has decorated the crap out of the trendy diner for Cinco de Mayo (the show's airdate). What's say we never reference the decorations or the "holiday" at all during the course of the entire episode, okay? Done! Jen is dressed in riding gear, and as Semi-Hot Teacher sidles up to the outdoor counter to pick up a to-go order (really? you don't have better choices for food, sir?) she thwacks him with her crop. They chat, and, despite the fact that week before last he and Kelly Taylor got drunk and did it on the couch, and, despite the fact that she's his student's sister (with a bad rep) he asks her out to dinner and agrees to let her read his unpublished novel. You, sir, are an idiot.

Okay, now I'm confused, because it's the same day, and theoretically the same time-ish, but Jen (in a different outfit and with a different hairstyle) is shopping with Naomi at some boutique. Is this just sloppy continuity/editing/writing or a deliberate dupe? Also in the store is Portia, best described ny Naomi as "the bitch from The Blendeds" but really the daughter of the woman alleging Naomi's dad sexually assaulted her. Jen to the rescue. Or to the confrontation. "Don't underestimate what I'll do to protect my sister," she says. PSYCHO! Methinks Jen is going to go out in blaze of glory. Maybe she will somehow ruin prom for the season finale. Oh, actually she's just going to do something on the spot, as in plant some merchandise in Portia's bag so that she gets busted for shoplifting.

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...meanwhile, Jen's clone is shopping with Naomi and stirring stuff up elsewhere in town. That girl is a marvel!
Now it's time for Ade's B & B Shower, chez Wilson, styled by Naomi. Everyone's there, including about 20 extras, Annie, Naomi, and even Silver, who I guess is proportionally less afraid of her friends and 20 extras than her friends and like 250 extras at the upcoming prom.

Meanwhile, in another galaxy, Liam is handing out fake IDs to Navid, Ethan, and Dixon. This fab foursome is going to do some sort of bachelor partying, it seems. They're at some sort of 1930s throwback burlesque "strip club" (I'd think Navid would be happier playing Guitar Hero and drinking his way through a sixer of Dr Pepper don't you?).

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Back at the Wilson manse, Mom Wilson slides into frame to the dulcet strains of "I'm Too Sexy" wearing a toilet paper couture gown. This must be how teenage girls in Beverly Hills do shower games.

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His go-to topic is obviously his love for Kelly Taylor. He also can't spell her job title, and uses far too many fragments for an English Teacher.
Semi Hot is perched on his front steps, the exaggerated light reflecting from the pool beaming across his face as he taps away on his laptop, toiling obviously on his life's work--his novel. The show is kind enough to give us a glance at the text, which, considering it's being penned by an English teacher, is beyond appalling:

The Teacher's Lounge grew quiet. The guidance counsellor [sic] tossed her platinum hair in annoyance. She was always tossing her platinum hair. Often in annoyance. The math teacher stared into space, completely nonplussed. Jake too was nonplussed. They all were nonplussed oh my god why on earth did I tell her I wrote a novel? What is wrong with me? I am a phony, a phony, a phony...

Oh, LOL. He's a total phony!

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Adrianna rrrrrrealizes she's rrrrrruining everrrrrrryone's life.
At the "strip club" the boys are ogling the broads dancing to old school brass section peeler music and ribbing Navid because he's a virgin marrying his knocked-up-by-another-guy fiance. Enter some sorority pledges, who target the boys to help them with their night.Navid's mom shows up to the shower to tell Ade she's making a big mistake. She also says a lot of words that necessitate her over-rolling her r's. I guess that's how an Italian is directed to play an Iranian. Ade is going to rrrrruin theirrrrr lives! For some rrrrrrreason, despite how many people have told Adrianna this, coming from Navid's mom she really takes it to heart and heads for the medicine cabinet and the first bottle labeled "NARCOTIC" that she can find. Smooth move for a recovering addict with a baby in utero...

Dixon is snookered on Tequila shots and suffers from diarrhea of the mouth. The topic: Silver's Bipolar. The "entertainment" has ended, but now the sorority pledge Navid has been cozy with is being made to take the stage to strip as part of her hazing. Clearly embarrassed, she falters, and Navid jumps on stage and starts to shake his, uh, whatever he's got, to help her out. Ew.

Semi Hot is in his bachelor kitchen with Jen, cooking her dinner. To make an awkward night more awkward, Jen turns the talk quickly to his novel.

"I don't think you should get married," the sorority pledge tells Navid after their pseudo strip routine. For some reason, despite how many others have said the same, this time it really strikes Navid profoundly, and he asks to be taken to see Adrianna. To settle the tab, Liam throws down a credit card under the same name as his fake ID. Wait...is Liam a thief? Oooohhhh... man, he's edgy.

Just as Navid shows up to add some testosterone to Ade's shower, Naomi decides to make a big, sappy, self-serving speech about how she's finally come around to the idea of the pair getting hitched and having an insta-family. The couple are clearly uncomfy, because, as we in audienceland know, they have hit their own separate moments of truth about the foolhardiness of their choice(s). Also, Naomi says as a bridesmaid she'll refuse to wear yellow, which is ridiculous, because she is constantly wearing yellow. Oh, maybe she's had her own moment of truth about how absurdly she dresses... Let's hope. "Cheers!" I hope Ade's pain meds have kicked in.

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Naomi specializes in making people uncomfortable.
Silver asks Ethan, who wanders inexplicably into the Wilson house after Naomi's speech, where Dixon is. She blames his being drunk on herself and their problems. Ethan, whose sobriety I'm now questioning, has this theory about men being islands, and how relationships are bridges, and sometimes the bridges aren't long enough to make connections. Silver appreciates this analogy, and has a very level-headed reaction (wow, she's on some excellent medication) and vows to do her part to make the relationship work. Ethan: A total sage. Who knew?

Jen and Semi Hot's date continues with a stroll around the apartment pool. In vino veritas, ergo Semi Hot confesses that he is as much a novel writer with his lame manuscript as he is a mountain climber for having hiked Runyon Canyon. "We're all liars, Ryan," says Jen. He asks her to debunk one of her own whoppers, and she offers up this gem: "I'm not living off my trust fund. In fact, I spent it all." Whoa, Nelly! No wonder she wants to get her paws on Naomi's share of the family pie! Bitch "blew through a million dollars in two months." Semi Hot takes this surprisingly well.

Liam hauls home drunk Dixon, who is puking in the shrubs. Annie berates Liam, but this quickly devolves into their usual snarky flirtation banter. Now, who should happen to pass by the window to bear witness to all this but...you guessed it...Naomi.

Navid finally gets a moment alone with Ade. Funny how these two always end up with Adrianna sitting on the edge of a bed crying and Navid hovering over, making giant proclamations. This time, he's confessing his moment of truth, which is not that he doesn't want to marry her and raise her baby, but that he now really, really, extra, super-seriously for sure wants to do it. However, "Navid, we can't keep this baby" is not the reaction he's expecting from Adrianna. Also: "I took drugs, Navid!" Of course, she made herself puke them up right after, but, still... Adrianna is finally questioning her own judgment, and her ability to raise a child.

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Naomi's not actually doing anything gross here. But she's still creepy.
After depositing drunk Dixon on his bed, Annie and Liam's flirt-hation continues. Liam admits he's actually just really "curious" about Annie. He thinks she's a dormant volcano disguised as a good girl. And, uh, he seems to want him some of that. When she heads into the kitchen to help with the giant baby cake (does Sweet Lady Jane make giant, flat, creepy cartoon baby-shaped cakes?), Naomi is all daggers. She's still totally into him, he's totally into Annie, and Annie is so not at all into Liam. This is a torturous triangle.

Up in Dixon's room, Silver asks him to go to prom with her. He's drunk enough to say yes. Oh, prom. You promise to be a hot mess.

Adrianna just wants Navid to hold her, and in her sadness realizes, oh, yeah, they probably aren't going to get married after all. Boo hoo! But Navid lets her keep the ring he sold his iPod for, as long as it's considered an "engagement to be engaged ring." I hope they aren't about to make sweet love for the first time, because not only would that be an odd choice for Navid's cherry popping, but it might also coax the baby out. And that baby needs to wait for a better time to come, i.e. prom. Hold on one more week, baby!

During a yoga on the beach session to which they arrive noticeably late, Jen and Naomi chat about their plans to buy a house. Jen is on a rockin' lying streak...her money's tied up in Paris, blah blah blah. Naomi is a dolt, so she offers up her cashola. Tsk tsk, honey, you should have asked Semi Hot about your sister, because he knows she's broke and you don't. Le sigh.

Next week: PROM. But, uh, it's not the season finale. There's two episodes left...

90210 airs Tuesdays at 9 (new time!) on the CW

Get caught up: Episodes 1 & 2; Episode 3; Episode 4; Episode 5; Episode 6; Episode 7; Episode 8; Episode 9; Episode 10; Episode 11; Episode 12; Episode 13; Episode 14; Episode 15; Episode 16; Episode 17; Episode 18; Episode 19; Episode 20; Episode 21; or go retro.