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Arts and Entertainment

Morning After Report: 90210 Episode 15 'Help Me, Rhonda'

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Ohmigod, Ethan, where's your Bluetooth?

Ohmigod, Ethan, where's your Bluetooth?
Two weeks ago, America got a new President, and one foolish young man got an inkling as to why California has a hands-free cellphone-while-driving law....which is why we start off today in the ER. Ethan is fine, but the woman in the other car involved in the accident, Rhonda, isn't doing so well. We also return to the scene of the crime; not the car accident, but the crime against reality, namely the biggest, fakest Egyptian restaurant at Hollywood & Highland, where knocked up Adrianna is contemplating telling actor bad-boy Ty he's her baby daddy. Because Ty's a class act, his reaction is two-fold: "Uh, I thought you were on the pill," followed by "well, you'll just, er, get it 'taken care of.'" Not so fast, dude.

So it turns out Rhonda is going to be okay, despite Ethan plowing into her when he blew a stop sign, talking on the phone (Hello, State Farm, aren't you a sponsor of this show? When are you going to let the characters moralize about not talking on the phone while driving?). He sticks around because he wants to apologize, and the Wilsons head home, where they find poor Dixon moping on the couch (remember, he just told internet troll Silver to "Walk Like an Egyptian" right out of their relationship).

We also find Adrianna and Naomi eating ice cream (or mac and cheese? what IS that?) after coming home from the Egyptian restaurant and talking about Ty, who is "like, 11 in girl years," according to psych major Naomi. (Maybe I shouldn't make light of that; blonde dipshit Kelly Taylor wound up being a psych major and now is the school counselor. Proof stranger things have happened.) Poor Adri is wigged out about going from being Amy Winehouse to being Juno. And hey, on top of that she's got her mom to worry about; mom's a nasty bitch (but thank you for confirming that they are eating mac and cheese).

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The next day, Adri has a meetup with Ty at the Peach Dr Pepper Pit. He apologizes, and explains that he told his parents and they want to help Ty take responsibility. "We're in this together, Ade!" Awww...bring on the chili cheese fries!

Dixon and Navid are co-comiserating their singlehood. "The only way to get over a girl," suggests world-wise Dixon, "is to get...another girl." This provokes Navid to reply "Hell to the yes," which, added to his hideous wardrobe and jewelry, makes him even grosser than before.

I'm Rhonda. Help me!
So Rhonda turns out to be a pretty blonde teenager--surprise! (?) This is how we know we aren't in reality, because in real life that probably would have been, well, frankly, just about anyone else. And she's sweet, to boot! Until Ethan asks her what high school she goes to and she says (no, you'll NEVER believe this!) WEST BEV! She's in his French class! Bottom line: she's sweet and pretty but not cool. Oh, Ethan. Would you like a tasty Dr. Pepper to wash down that foot? Rhonda really drives the point home, though--uncool people are everywhere, you douche, and they are "really interesting." Ouch!Ade and Ty are having dinner with Ty's folks--the Collinses. (Mom ironically harkens tv's Jeffersons when she insists on being called "Weezie" for Louise.) They want Ade to get a good doctor, blabbity blah. Dream come true, perhaps?

Bare assed at West Bev
Bonjour! We are in "Erotic Photography and World Landmarks" class, it seems, judging by the art on the wall. Oh, nope. My bad. We're in French class. Pardonnez-moi. Some kids recite verbs. Pourquoi? Je ne sais pas.The Sassy Drama Teacher has gathered the cast of Antony and Cleopatra and is telling them they can't eff up and miss rehearsal--put those schedules in your Blackberries! (Er, hello, T-Mobile? Shouldn't she have said "Sidekicks"? Sponsor slack this week. Tsk tsk.) I'm guessing that if she's mentioning consequences for missing rehearsal, that someone is going to miss...and that will cause drama. Just a hunch.

Now Ade is getting looked at by a Doctor, and Ty's Mom is there to supervise. Or rather, butt in. She wants to make sure her grandchild is the spawn of Juno, not Amy Winehouse. They all ooh and ahh over the ultrasound. Cue dreamy piano music.

Back at the Collins' manse, things are more business than pleasure. Weezie give Ade a brochure for a posh home for unwed mothers in New Mexico (you know, for when she starts showing) and a legal document for Ade's mom that outlines the Collins' financial arrangements. Icing on the cake: The Collins' will arrange for the adoption.

Say what? Mrs. Jefferson would never have pulled a stunt like this!

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It's an "it"...Awww!
Poor Rhonda. First a collapsed lung, now she must suffer Ethan's awkward guilt, which he manifests into over-compensation. He's got a dvd player and a stack of movies--with snacks!--for the less popular girl. She picks The Wedding Planner (I'm with you Ethan, ugh!) and chocolate covered pretzels (from Trader Joe's, it seems--delish!) and invites Ethan to stay. But he's got play rehearsal, right? Oh, no worries, he can blow off one. Ethan, Ethan, Ethan. Missing one puts you on the slippery slope to missing two, and if you miss two, you're out. If you're out, then you won't be doing an afterschool activity with Annie, your girlfriend. And she might get jealous that you sacrificed the play to be with uncool Rhonda instead of cool her. Don't you see this Ethan? No. You don't. You are dumb as a box of rocks and also being manipulated by writers who use the industry standard templates for plot. C'est dommage.Navid and Dixon are hanging out at the Dr Pepper Pit. Apparently Dixon isn't working today, just hanging. Navid's got a book called "The Credo" which will apparently help him land some teenaged tail, like it did for his "funky looking" cousin Avi. He tells some chick she's got bad hair, and, shock of shocks, is rejected. Christina shows up (uh, who is she again? Is she the lesbian cheerleader with the music industry dad?) and says, oh, no, you didn't! She insists they come to some party to pick up broads.

Naomi got the brains this episode
Ade is lounging by the pool with Naomi, who has apparently morphed into the calm voice of reason in the bunch. Naomi is skeptical about Weezie's spa retreat-adoption plan, and even though Ade is open to adoption, Naomi thinks it's bunk. "Hey, I saw Juno too," she says. (Okay writers, hire me. I know how you think.) Naomi points out some very fine print: Ade can't say Ty is the daddy, or talk about the events and circumstances leading up to the pregnancy and birth. Ever. Over zealous lawyer talk, suggests Ade. "This thing reads like a friggin' gag order," assesses Naomi. You go, girl. Only Ade doesn't want Naomi to shit on "the plan." Poor Ade. Nothing ever works out for her.

Conniving wenches come in all disguises
Ethan and Rhonda are bonding while doing a lap around the hospital floor. The new plan is "Carpe diem." Rhonda will ditch jazz band for camping, Ethan will let go of sports in favor of playing the guitar. They'll sign up for skydiving together. Um, sure, kids, you're going to be BFFs. Awkward Annie decides to have a heart to heart with Sassy Drama Teacher. First she apologizes on behalf of Ethan for his missing rehearsal. Then she says she loves acting and wants to get better. Insert joke here. Sassy says take a class, learn your craft. Oh, was that not the answer you wanted?

Look who is pulling up chez Ade and Bitchy's Weezie in her limo, ready to talk over Ade's situation and the contract mom to mom. Too bad Ade hasn't told her mom yet. How can people not tell, anyhow? She's a size zero and suddenly she's got a round little belly. This is going to be ugly. Props to BM for not wigging out; so far she's taking it so well despite being blindsided. Ade's waffling about adoption, and Weezie really likes to harp on the mistakes Ade has made. BM defends Ade... wow, touching! "She is VERY responsible," insists BM. (Well, now, come on, that's more of a stretch than Ade's waistband on her maternity pants.) Weezie calls their bluff, though, snap! "Oh didn't even know she was pregnant until 5 seconds ago." Oh, LOLZ! But BM has one more move: "Take a hike, Weezie!" Wahoo!

Nobody here but Mr.--err, Dr. Pepper
Conspicuously absent the 42 previous minutes, Silver saunters into the Dr. Pepper Pit and asks the $64 Million question: "Hey, is Dixon working?" That would be a No. Bwahahahaha.

BM admits to Ade she's been "a pretty crap mom." Oh, sure, you find out your 16-year-old recovering drug addict child star daughter is knocked up and has been in the clenches of a controlling Bev Hills rich bitch and suddenly you're confessing your parental weaknesses. Methinks no way, sister. She gives Ade the "we're in this together" line; of course Ade's heard this before (see: Ty at the Dr Pepper Pit) but obvs she needs to hear it from BM. Ahhhh...

Annie, whose pretty much done nothing but whine and waffle all episode is now whining and waffling while walking. She and Ethan are in the peppy halls of West Bev, and Ethan's look says "I could care less." He wants Annie to carpe diem like he and Rhonda are doing. I smell a rift! Don't forget to show up at rehearsal, Ethan!

Some band called Carolina Liar is playing at Christina's party. Should I know who they are? They are wearing scarves, old man hats and sunglasses and sound like, well, every Top 40 quasi-emo rock act to play Star 98.7 these days. Rock on!

Navid's first impression of a cute girl at the party: "She looks good. Not pregnant." Also, his opening line, "I'm really uncool," and his admission to loving World of Warcraft leads to the hot not-pregnant party chick to being into him. Oh, television...

Catch the clap, bitch!
Sassy Drama Teacher wants Annie to catch the clap. But she's a virgin! Ba-dum-dum. It's a theatre warm up game. Annie even sucks at this. And where's Ethan? Uh huh. No surprises here, he's at the hospital with Rhonda, carpe-ing her diem. Oh, hold up, did she just fake needing help from him? And pretend she doesn't like sports? That little skeezeball! Even uncool people play shady little games...Things are heating up at the house party, so all the kids are jumping in the pool while Carolina Liar continues to rock hard (giggle). The lesbian calls it--Dixon isn't over Silver. Speak of the devil! "I knew you weren't a lesbian!" Silver screams at Christina. The she starts screaming at Dixion. She is pissed off! She can't handle all this...emotion..."This being in love stuff is making me crazy..." Dixon calls her on this--did Silver admit she loved Dixon? Why, yes, she did. Those crazy kids kiss and make up on a nondescript BH street. Cute. Barf.

Ty and Ade get nasty in a West Bev classroom. Not that nasty (done), but rather we need a paternity test, you whore kind of nasty. Ade keeps calling the baby "it." It, it, it. So maternal!

Ty and Ade team up to summarize the spirit of the new 90210 on the CW: "It's humiliating," he says. "Yes," agrees Ade, "but it's also happening." Oh, I love you guys.

Montage in the halls of WBHHS: Ade interrupts Navid and new girl and asks for a favor, Ethan tells Annie he doesn't want to do the play but Annie takes it as he doesn't want to do stuff with her, and Dixon and Silver are all cuddly.

Oh, and that favor? There's Adrianna Tate-Duncan on the school's TV, announcing her pregnancy, and cutting Ty out of the picture. Now that's style.

90210 airs Tuesdays at 8 on the CW

Get caught up: Episodes 1 & 2; Episode 3; Episode 4; Episode 5; Episode 6; Episode 7; Episode 8; Episode 9; Episode 10; Episode 11; Episode 12; Episode 13; Episode 14; or go retro.

Photos courtesy my iPhone and my TV screen

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