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Arts and Entertainment

Morning After Report: 90210 Episode 9 'Secrets and Lies'

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Since the CW opted not to fully pre-empt last night's 90210 we won't either, although after viewing it via DVR as recorded from local CW affiliate KTLA, it seems Angelenos were left with more "Secrets" than lies last night. In fact, "Secrets and Lies" was as holey as a hunk of Swiss cheese (but boy, what a night, huh?). Memo to CW: Go ahead and pre-empt. We know you wanted to.

Things start of with a bomb drop: Principal Dad was a dad before he was Annie and Dixon's dad, but nobody knew it except his Baby Mama Tracy. Principal Dad gathered his wife and kids to break the news, and when he reveals who the Baby Mama is Annie says: "Ewwww!" (Agreed.)

Dixon and Annie blow the parental pop stand and rehash the chat in the car in the West Bev parking lot. Annie's steamed, and Dixon is...

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SO HAPPY! So happy, in fact, he seems to have gathered tens of thousands of people in Chicago's Grant Park to wave flags and scream and sing and cry and cheer.

Oh, oops. It's KTLA's iVote (really, "iVote" guys?) Special Report.

From the sublime to the ridiculous... We're back in the halls of West Bev and Naomi and Annie are suddenly BFFs, bonded by half-sisterhood, and are now planning a slumber party (aka "Teen Television Plotline #43a). Wheee, sounds like FUN!

Meanwhile, out in the quad that doesn't look anything like the quad of West Bev (aka Torrance) in the 90s (all that brick?) Dixon explains to Silver the story of his adoption. Here's how it goes: Bad dad, Grandma in Brooklyn, Grandma dies, Mom's in Kansas, "Unfortunately [Mom] was crazy," and Social Services shows up. Now he's a...er, whatever the family's last name is. No, no--don't tell me. It's not Walsh. It's not Debbie (that's the mom!), it's...oh, whatever.

Kimbercop and the semi-hot teacher have a brief tete-a-tete in the classroom before they are interrupted by the bell. Kimbercop is working a kid with a bad blond dye job (every 90210 needs its Steve Sanders, perhaps?) for some "party favors." He says he can oblige, she says "I'm looking forward to celebrating."

So she gets the party started by assembling a mess of Republicans at the Phoenix Biltmore to listen to an old white guy make a speech. Oh! LOL! We're iVote-ing again, huh, KTLA? Thanks.

When 90210 resumes, the 4 main sluts of the West Bev decide to show those McCain-ites how to party: Booze, nail polish, and shirt-swapping. But of course "the guys" have gotten wind of this shindig, so the girls miss out on their chance to play "Skeletons in the Closet" and instead the whole school shows up and it becomes a real party. Not as big as the one in Chicago, but... well, they try.

If the had played "Skeletons in the Closet" here's how it would go down:

Okay, back to 2008. Adrianna's 1970s prison rehab has apparently let her go (and yet Kelly is still "out of town") so she and Navid go upstairs to watch the Discovery Channel. Annie is supposed to be Naomi's "wing girl" because Naomi is hot for the mysterious Ozzy, but Annie is a lousy "wing girl." Ozzy knows how to party; he takes advantage of the evening to whip up a little bite to eat for him and Naomi in Kelly Taylor's kitchen, which they eat on the porch. "Who taught you how to cook?" asks Naomi. Uh, Naomi, it's a GRILLED CHEESE. I think common sense taught him that epicurean delight.

Although Ozzy likes to cook, he doesn't like games. (Not Scrabble, not Monopoly, not Cranium?) He and his buddy "bounce" outta there, and Naomi is left to scrunch her face up in bewilderment. Because Annie's favorite game is apparently "secretive drunken makeout session" she and Ethan are tumbling on top of a bed in yet another one of the apparently 57 rooms in Kelly Taylor's house. Because this is something the kids have to keep secret from Naomi, Silver swiftly keeps Naomi from busting in on them, and since Annie is a wet blanket (albeit a beer-soaked one at this point) she and Ethan don't get past second base before he decides she needs a big drink of water.

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Since someone is bound to get laid at this shindig, Adrianna tries to climb aboard Navid for a little "Hey, thanks for paying for me to go to a swanky rehab!" hump, but Navid's like, "Whoa, I'm not that kind of girl guy!" Way to go, Slutty McSlutterson!

Annie tumbles out of the bedroom and rendezvous with Naomi on the (lovely, hardwood) floor. Naomi bemoans the painful and destructive nature of secrets, Annie tries to keep her head upright and her own secrets safe (not easy!). Lying sucks!

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Kimbercop and the Semi-hot teacher heat up the halls of West Bev | Photo: Scott Humbert/The CW

Kimbercop is also ready to "bounce" since this party is lame sauce and she can't score any "party favors" that would let her bust some West Bev-ers, so she does the most logical thing ANY undercover police officer would do while at a party attended by the igh schoolers of which she is meant to be one--she calls HER TEACHER to come pick her up. Seriously? You still have a job? Even after spilling the beans to the teacher last week? How bright does one have to be to be an undercover police officer in West Beverly Hills?

Of course the kid with the bad blonde dye job sees the semi-hot teacher whisk off Kimbercop in his ratty old Volvo and files that little secret and lie in his back pocket for later use. Oh, and Annie hurls behind a tree. Nice!

Principal Dad shows up, and this party is OVER. Annie is in a heap on the floor, so Principal Dad holds, soothes, caresses, and cuddles her. (I seriously forget this was a father-daughter moment and for a moment thought they were going to kiss!) She sobs about her hatred for secrets, and how she may have been date-raped on the ski trip (oh, snap, that was Degrassi!), and how she has "vomit boots." Principal Dad scoops her up in his arms (again, kind of couple-y; does this week's director have some Oedipal issues?).

The next day, the kid with the bad blonde dye job pulls out his filed-away secret/lie from his back pocket and tries to blackmail the semi-hot teacher to get a good grade and/or his spot back on the lacrosse team. This lands Kimbercop and the semi-hot teacher in Principal Dad's office, and nets semi-hot teacher a paid leave until Kimbercop is gone. (Good, he bugs.)

Annie corners Ethan in a dimly-lit classroom for a heart-to-heart about their need to not keep their romance a secret from Naomi. They are going to face the consequences! They are going to--

Be the next President of the United States!!! Whoa, exciting, kids! (Oh, we're iVote-ing again, are we, KTLA?) With 2 minutes left in the episode Barack Obama takes the stage in Chicago's Grant Park and begins his speech.

What a night!

90210 airs Tuesdays at 8 on the CW

Get caught up: Episodes 1 & 2; Episode 3; Episode 4; Episode 5; Episode 6; Episode 7; Episode 8; or go retro.

Shenae Grimes as Annie| Photo by Michael Desmond/The CW