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Morning After Report: 90210 Episode 12 'Hello, Goodbye, Amen'

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Kids, this week was more than just back to the grind after a good, long, break. It was also back to new episodes of the shiny new 90210 on the CW--which means back to LAist's love-to-hate it, hate-to-love it relationship with the show that is so wrong it's...well, okay, it's wrong, but it's good for a laugh, so grab your sense of humor, a can of delicious Dr. Pepper, and welcome back to our recaps.

A few weeks ago, we last saw Sean the interloper charming everyone, and using his handy T-Mobile phone to make furtive phone calls wherein he told a mysterious co-conversant that he was "making [him]self right at home." Home being the "not in Kansas anymore" world of the Wilsons in Beverly Hills. You know, the Los Angeles of you and me. Err, anyhow. Where were we? Or, better, where are we?

Right. Okay. Time has passed. In fact, we're back to real time; Winter break is over, the kids are back in school, and now all their conversations have to work in exposition about what happened in the last two months.

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Looks like Annie and her boy toy Ethan are still tight enough to canoodle in the hallways, Naomi is still a bitch, and Adrianna still enjoys a good wall leaning again session, because that's where we find her, fondling her T-Mobile Sidekick. Yadda, yadda, yadda, about Winter Break. Okay, fine. The bell rings, which means it's time to scurry to classes with themes eerily relevant to the main characters' lives. The teacher tells the class "today we are going to talk about perception" and launches into a lecture about "intuition." Seriously this is a class in high school? My intuition tells me there's a reason we didn't hear a teacher drone on about sine and cosine in this episode (because, seriously, who uses Algebra in their life?).

Okay, cut to the "old people" 90210. Brenda apparently has a medical problem, and no one to love her. Pout. Seems ominous. Because the writers think viewers have the attention span of a fruit fly, they shove in a bunch of short scenes after this, all before the show intro (which hits at 8 minutes in). Here we go:

  • The black cheerleader (whose dad happens to be a record label guy) is hitting on Dixon. Jealously looks ugly on Silver.
  • Naomi just kissed Sean on the neck like he was her main squeeze, not her bastard half brother, while talking about going surfing with him. Grody to the max!
  • Awkward! Adrianna asks Miss Taylor (giggle) if she can get her in touch with Miss Walsh so she can go with her to her "Rehab Reunion." Kelly's like "whatever" but says she'll try to find the elusive Miss Walsh. (Remember, those kitty cats aren't playing nice these days!)
  • The Wilsons are playing a really rowdy game of Win Lose or Draw. Family fun! Whee! They are slamming Dr. Pepper! Grandma is a goofball! Sean gets a call and slips out of the room. "I told you I'll the get the money--I just need more time." OF COURSE Annie overhears this

.

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And...opening credits, followed by a hideous heavy handed show recap commercial thanks to the fine folks of T-Mobile, narrated by someone too old to say "macking" and "BFF" and "faves" with any credibility.

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Now what does Annie do after overhearing Sean on the phone? She tattles, of course! Time for a family crisis. They put down their Sharpies (but not their Dr. Peppers) and get serious. Sean rambles off some gambler suicide sob story about his adopted dad, and how now the people he owed are after Sean. (Really? I doubt it.) Annie apologizes to him for telling, and he seems forgiving, but we all know Sean is full of it. Grandma pours a drink, admit she wants to start acting again, and leaves (wait, come back, Grandma!). Of course Principal Dad, who is like a TOTAL SUCKER is thinking about scraping up the $200k the interloper needs. Annie isn't convinced, though, that things are above the line. She and Dixon have a bathroom tete a tete about Sean.

Later, Kelly shows up at Brenda's house. Rrrrrowl! She's making a massive issue of out Adrianna's little rehab reunion, and Brenda isn't having it. Remember, she is HARBORING A MEDICAL SECRET and feels like she's all alone in big, scary, Los Angeles. So she kicks Kelly out. Shocker. (Not really.)

Ready for a real shocker: Dixon STILL HAS A JOB at the Peach Pit!!! The Dr Pepper logos are more prominent than the Peach Pit logos. I'll have a Dr Pepper Mega Burger, a side of Dr Pepper fries, a slice of Dr Pepper Peach Pie and a tall, cold glass of Dr Pepper, please! This scene was apparently superfluous to the 88 plot points, because nothing actually happened there except some dishes got bused.

However, things are more hopping during the power pow wow in the principal's office with Principal Dad, Mom and Naomi's vapid mom, Shopping Barbie. The subject is Sean, and how they are going to come up with the $200k he needs to get those mean people off his back. Shopping Barbie says she'll work on it. Meanwhile, Silver is blogging in the hallways of WestBev. She's so freakin' edgy! (Local location name drop: ArcLight, where there is apparently a Tarantino fest happening this weekend.)

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The next day, Kelly goes to Adrianna's "Rehab Reunion," and guess who shows up...Brenda! (How did she know when and where it was?) During her little sharing time moment, Adrianna says she wakes up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and hating herself. (I feel that way the night after I watch 90210. Funny.) Brenda stands up and makes a speech about how much she admires Adrianna, and how she's got her back, and how the teen is her friend. Kelly's head is about to explode.

Naomi and her airhead posse "The Blendeds" roll into the Peach Pit where Ethan and Annie are doing their homework. She's talking about all the pics of her and Sean on her Sidekick that she's going to put on Facebook. Annie remembers her handy dandy class on "intuition" and has a bunch of same-episode flashbacks. Wait a second...is Sean boning Naomi? (Okay, I don't know if that's what Annie is thinking, but the pictures are way too intimate for siblings, and the only conclusion Annie uses her "intuition"--not Algebra--skills to come to is that something isn't right about Sean.) Tattler-Annie admits to mom that she feels like Sean is shady, and Mom agrees. Make that three of us, ladies.

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"Nice speech," Kelly tells Brenda back at the "Rehab Reunion." Right before Brenda spills the beans to Kelly about her big medical secret, Adrianna interrupts to introduce her sponsor, and asks her sponsor about Hank, some old buddy from her druggie days. He's relapsed and picked up HIV, which obviously rattles Adrianna. Apparently those crazy kids hooked up, and Adrianna doesn't want to get tested. Of course, Miss Taylor and Miss Walsh, who have a few more years of random, dangerous hookups under their designer belts, know better. Girl, let's get you tested!

The Black Cheerleader has roped Dixon into going to her family's weekend brunch at their palatial home. Says Dixon: "I really didn't know there were this many black people in Beverly Hills!" And what do they do in their free time? They sing gospel and have BBQs and talk about the music industry. No stereotypes here!

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Mom confronts Principal Dad about Sean being sketchy, but, bless his bleeding heart, dad refuses to believe her. Sean shows up after having the shit kicked out of him; he says it's the people his dead gambling dad owes who did it. Annie gets all Nancy Drew and looks at Sean's phone, only to find he's very fond of a certain 310 number. She calls it and it's some sort of investigation agency. What the...?

Meanwhile, the old sluts (oh, that's Kelly and Brenda) take Adrianna to get her HIV test because apparently these two women in their 30s don't have anything else, or better to do. I mean, doesn't Kelly have a kid to take care of? The doctor comes over and somewhat unprofessionally tells Adri in front of everyone that her HIV test is negative, but she makes up for it by saying the five best words that can ever be uttered on a teen soap: "It turns out you're pregnant." (Seriously, I clapped.)

Brenda, aka Miss "I've got your back, Adrianna" bolts as soon as Kelly and Adrianna have the bomb drop post-mortem. (My theory: Brenda isn't sick, but she can't have no babies.)

Now to the Wilson's: "We don't think Sean is who he says he is", says mom. "Ask him to take a paternity test." I gotta give Mom credit, I never thought about that. Of course, why they didn't think of this when he first showed up is beyond me, but, then, I don't write for a teen soap.

Back in the Black Beverly Hills, everyone is rejoicing and praising Jesus. Dixon reminds the cheerleader that he's got a girl, and, gasp, so does she! Turns out she's getting down downtown with Tiffany, the gospel singer. Ahhhh!

Kelly confronts Brenda about her bolting. Turns out the big deal is that Brenda can't have kids (can I call them or what?), and she's jealous of Adrianna--the knocked up 16 year old. Seriously, I just want to watch the Brenda and Kelly show. Oh, and Brenda is thinking of adopting and would like Kelly to be her BFF.

Silver shows up at the gospel brunch, and Dixon opens up like a new age sensitive man, and tells her that the truth is, he just needed to get in touch with his black roots (maybe someone will teach him how to shave his black hair). Problem solved. Thank god Black Cheerleader is a big ol' lez so that their really serious relationship won't suffer.

Cut to: Principal Dad tells Sean that he can have the cash...if he'll take a paternity test. Sean doesn't bat a swollen-over eyelid. Oh, he's smooth, that interloper!

At the brunch, which apparently lasts through sundown and no guest gives any indication of it being cold, even though it's January and they are by the water, the record label dad makes a dramatic speech about being thankful, and asks Dixon to go onstage to sing "Amazing Grace." I feel like I know a lot about black culture now, don't you?

Just when you think you're going to get treated to a stirring montage of sequences underscored by Dixon's warbling, it's cut by Sean sneaking up on Annie all horror-movie style and making her feel all guilty about being a tattler and the reason why he needs to take a paternity test.

So how do we wrap things up this first ep back from hiatus? Principal Dad is flabbergasted the next morning when he shows up in Sean's room...and it's empty. Adrianna tries to stretch her size XS tank over her baby bump, then bails out on calling her man Navid. Shopping Barbie wigs out when she hears that Sean's gone, and that the Wilsons got hip to the fact that Sean was an interloper who was in cahoots with the PI to bilk the Richie Riches out of some cashola. Naomi takes this opportunity to blame her hurt on Annie yet again, and then tells her that Shopping Barbie had actually handed over the $200k late last night to Sean. That's all apparently Annie's fault, and because Annie is kind of a sucker, she takes Naomi to heart, and goes to cry on Daddy's shoulder.

Next week: More ridiculous babbling and Adrianna passed out on the floor. I'm so there!

90210 airs Tuesdays at 8 on the CW

Get caught up: Episodes 1 & 2; Episode 3; Episode 4; Episode 5; Episode 6; Episode 7; Episode 8; Episode 9; Episode 10; Episode 11, or go retro.

Photos by Jaimie Trueblood/The CW