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Arts and Entertainment

Morning After Report: 90210 Episode 13 'Love Me or Leave Me'

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I will hand it to the writers of 90210 this week for one thing, and one thing only: Their accuracy with the weather. It's really the only "local" reference on the show this episode, and unlike anachronistic bowling, Hollywood Bowl show-going, and cemetery movie-watching, it's eerily correct. See, there's a blizzard in Kansas and a heatwave in LA. Okay, they got the heatwave part right. We learn this as there's this kooky three-screen (not three way!) between Annie, Ethan, and...Annie's Mom. Yeah, before the kids can get to any heavy phone petting, Mom picks up the line and tells Annie to hang up and go to bed. We do, however, get treated to the opening moments of what could be some kind of nasty jailbait fantasy involving a black negligee. It's hot. The weather. It's hot. Remember, heat wave? Yeah.But then Ethan drops the three-little-words bomb: "I love you." Annie (because she's so coy) bites her lip, giggles, and says "I love you to." (I vomit.)

The next morning, Grandma gets a little rich Bev Hills diva and pull off the act of sticking up for her grandchildren (they shouldn't have to do chores), and, in a perverse way, her "staff" (they get paid to do chores). Mom wigs out. Those damn kids will take out the trash because it's good for them!

Once they do make it to school, Annie and Ethan meet up and very obviously need to GET A ROOM. Some serious hallway face-eating. Charming. Silver breezes through on her soapbox with Dixon: "But the Santa Ana Winds do not blow in January!" Something like: Apocalypse, Global Warming, An Inconvenient Truth, yadda yadda. She spots the lip-locked and her gag reflex is activated: "Oh looky them, all 'love you!' and 'love you too!' Silver is as grossed out as I am.

Now, down the hall, Navid is doing something school-ish in the journalism room (paging Andrea Zuckerman!) and he's about to become this week's token tool. Why? Well, there's two reasons: There's what actually happens, and then there's the fact that the writers of the show really fail in this respect.

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Here's the thing about 90210--teen soaps had evolved to become pretty decent television over the past decade, including two on this very network (when it had other initials), Dawson's Creek and Felicity. Okay, they were a bit maudlin, but they could pull off funny, witty, endearing, dramatic, troubling, racy, and so on, without being cheap and sitcom-y. It's a shame, because with that legacy--not to mention the legacy of the originial Beverly Hills, 90210 which pushed its fair share of envelopes in its day--it shouldn't be so transparent and predictable.

So here we go. Navid says to Adrianna: "You're glowing."
a) Really? What teenager randomly says that?
b) Gosh, I wonder why she's glowing, Navid?
c) You do remember, viewers, that Adrianna is knocked up, right?

Then we get hit over the head with a sledgehammer with "ways Navid is obviously so wrong about how things are" because he thinks things should stay as perfect as they are with him and Adrianna.

We then have to witness a really disgusting conversation between the lacrosse coach and Naomi about her "menstrual cycle." This leads to Adri and Naomi bonding. They'll do dinner...but, uh oh, it's The Blendeds! They are encouraging Naomi to be more vapid and insensitve than she already is, and they like, totally agree with Naomi's irrational opinion that Adri must be back on drugs. I mean, hello! (Did these broads not notice that Adri has swapped her druggie dark under-eye circles for "glowing" skin? Dumb.)

Awesome, Adrianna falls over in science class! Talk about a girl who spends a lot of her time on her back. Everyone thinks it's because she's a druggie. Whisper, joke, giggle. And we're at the opening credits. That was another long haul.

Annie and Ethan and Dixon and Silver are double dating over a delicious lunch of Dr Pepper in the school cafeteria. Dixon--a rebel drinking Sunkist orange soda--cops to having joined the school choir, and Silver ribs him mercilessly. Owch. Breaking news: School is canceled the next day because it's so hot and the A/C is broken. Wow, the West Bev school board really doesn't give a shit about how things run in their schools, do they?

Randomly Grandma bought Annie and Dixon a car behind Principal Dad and Mom's back and brought it to school with a bow on it. Mom is steaming, raging mad and makes Grandma take the car back. Oh SNAP!

Later, Annie is sweating and whining: "I hate being a teenager!" Grandma's solution is to offer the kid the keys to her Palm Springs house for a little getaway. Meanwhile, Dixon is working his ass off serving Dr Pepper and club sandwiches at the Peach Pit, and gets called bro like twice in one sentence by this week's tool, Navid. Navid also tells Dixon he should tell Silver he loves her. Oh, and apparently some of the cool kids are going to the beach. That's nice. I can't figure out if it's the same day or the next day. Annoying.

Mom is wigging out. Okay, when isn't Mom wigging out?

Adrianna is leaning...sort of...against the chains of the swing she's moping on in some random park. She is a skilled leaner. Naomi accuses Adri of using drugs, and Adri outs with the truth about her bun in the oven. They have an actual nice moment where neither overacts.

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Annie is packing for Palm Springs, which is apparently a new euphemism for "having sloppy teenager sex" and invites Ethan along. This is good, because otherwise how would she get there since she has no car? And at what point is she going to ask her parents if it's okay if she goes? My guess's not cool.


Building the sand castle destined to fall down...
And we're at the beach. I guess the CW needed some girls in bikins this week and it was 90210's turn to pony up the nubile flesh. Naomi tells Adri today is about "frisbee-ing your cares away." I would enjoy that day.

Annie and Ethan show up to what happens to be a pretty primo PS pad. Suddenly "going to Palm Springs" is the elephant in the room.

Back to the Beach. Okay, what world is this? Moroccan huts on the beach? A pregnant girl in a bikini with the flattest stomach ever--in fact, it's practically concave.


Seriously, she's hiding a bun in that bikini-clad oven of hers
Mom is wigging out again, this time in the kitchen. Guess who told her about Palm Springs? LOL. Grandma drops a line about the place having a fancy schmancy security system. Oh lord, please don't tell me that they will go online and dial up a webcam showing the kids "going to Palm Springs." But Annie and Ethan are delaying the "act" by eating a 7 course meal at a really posh old people restaurant. Between the 3rd and 4th course Annie tells Ethan she's ready. You know, "ready to go to Palm Springs." Ethan throws a pile of cash on the table like a high roller and says "Let's get outta here!" Looks like somebody wants to go to Palm Springs!!!

So they get back to the primo PS pad, and Annie is over-talking, over-analyzing, over-emphasizing her pre-cherry popping moment. Something tells me Ethan might get a bit turned off by her saying stuff like "today I'm a virgin, but tomorrow I won't be..." and stuff about him maybe being "the one." Stupid, stupid girl. You are so not going to Palm Springs. Ethan totally stops the action and says "I can't do this" Yeah...saw that coming a mile away. Sigh. (Writers: Netflix the first season of The OC and send back the Full House discs, mmmkay?)

'Wake up and smell the blow." Some frat guy playing ping pong at the magical Moroccan beach says this to Navid (right). LOLZ everyone thinks Adri is a druggie. No, sillies, she's a whore. Get it straight.Adrianna tells Navid she's knocked up. He takes it about as well as Ethan took Annie's "today I am a virgin" speech--Mr Nice Guy totally bolts.

Of course, Mom and Dad go to Palm Springs. Ok, eew, gross, they don't "go to Palm Springs" they actually get in the car and drive to Palm Springs. They sneak up to the house and see Ethan and Annie sleeping separately and think their little angel farts sunshine after all, and maybe they shouldn't be so hard on her. It's not easy being a teenager, they agree. Then they go sit in the car and start to make out. Oh, dude, maybe they are going to Palm Springs after all.

Dixon works up the cojones to tell Silver he loves her. She, like Ethan and Navid, does not handle this curve ball well. She replies with "thank you,' which is actually a respectful thing to say if you aren't ready to tell someone you love them, and a little wise beyond her years, perhaps? so, add Dixon to the list of people not handling things well, because he wasn't prepared for this response, and he starts to get embarrassed. Silver goes from mature young woman to petulant child in a flash when she storms off after KNOCKING DOWN HIS SAND CASTLE.


How would you take it if you were a virgin and your woman was preggers?
Okay, seriously gross. Mom and Dad totes did it in the back of the car! And it's a school day! Annie and Ethan almost saw Mom topless. Old people are funny.

Also, what is it, like 5 in the morning? Because if they have to be in Beverly Hills by 8 a.m. for school, how was a night in Palm Springs a smart idea? There's going to be mad traffic on the 10. They discuss none of this.

And the last few moments...Navid dumps Adrianna to the soundtrack of ADELE's "Hometown." Downer. Dixon and Silver are speaking, but they are sort of like "whatevs" with each other. Bummer. Mom just needed to get laid so she could loosen up and quit wigging out, and tells grandma the kids can have the car but they have to pay for insurance (State Farm, i asusme) and gas. Grandma admits she was out of line, but also the she's going back East to do a movie. Adri and Naomi bond some more. Then they go play field hockey, or lacrosse or whatever.

Ethan, the kid who got a bj in the parking lot on the first day of school, is telling Annie he didn't do her because he really likes her, and that he wants to take her on a date. Wow, he's as corny as Kansas. And that's the end.

Next week: Semi-hot teacher is back!!!

90210 airs Tuesdays at 8 on the CW

Get caught up: Episodes 1 & 2; Episode 3; Episode 4; Episode 5; Episode 6; Episode 7; Episode 8; Episode 9; Episode 10; Episode 11; Episode 12; or go retro.

Photos: Jaimie Trueblood/The CW