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Arts and Entertainment

Morning After Report: 90210 Episode 14 'By Accident'

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Sort of hot, young, and dumb

Sort of hot, young, and dumb
While yesterday in America was all about out with the old and in with the new, 90210 for the most part took the opposite tack. In with the old! Old characters, old plotlines, and the old Egyptians (that will make sense later).Semi-hot teacher is baaaa-aaack! But, uh oh, he doesn't know how much longer he's going to want to be a teacher; his big, pink, shiny idealistic bubble has burst. Waaah. He bumps into Kelly Taylor, Guidance Counselor, in the hallway and it's awkward--she suggests lunch, he says no, no, no. Sorry, KT.

Annie is reading aloud from Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra in the hallway, giddy about the "new drama teacher" and her totally cool choice for a school play. Speak of the devil, the new thespian guru arrives--she seems like she thinks her poo smells like roses but passes it off in this jokey way. One kid tries to kiss up by praising the production of Equus she did at the REDCAT, she rebuffs by saying if he wants to suck up, go wash her car. Zinger! She's a feisty one. She seems to like Annie, and Annie thinks this means she's got a line on the part of Cleopatra, and she thinks her boy toy should try out too. What fun!

Since we're already back to the "school play" story line, Adrianna, the pregnant girl right outta rehab, is already up to her rapidly expanding waistline in the script. She's also rattling off all the showbizzy things she has coming up to Naomi, and Naomi is pretty confused. Not because she's blonde and dense (true) but because, uh, hello--Adrianna is knocked up! Silly girl, you can't be normal!

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Semi hot teacher is no longer Mr. Nice Guy in the classroom--remember, he's jaded!--so he tells a befuddled Silver that she's being kicked out of his class because she was such a mouthy bitch about his relationship with the undercover cop posing as a student as part of a drug sting at West Bev (Kimbercop!). Life is sooooo unfair! Turns out there are consequences for writing snide commentary about your teacher's sex life on your blog. Who knew?

Kelly Taylor, Guidance Counselor
Adrianna emerges from her audition for a commercial, all smiles. Which makes sense, because it was for toothpaste. And, hey, look who's there to meet her! It's Naomi (not a stretch) and Kelly Taylor, Guidance Counselor (a stretch). Since when do public high school support staff make house, er, audition, calls? What are they doing there? Oooh, Adrianna gets snappy: "You called in the Guidance Counselor? The frickin' Guidance Counselor?" To make things worse for poor, bun-in-the-ovened Adrianna, Naomi and Kelly start to debate right in front of her what each thinks Adrianna should do.

Kelly seems to be in favor of her having the baby, but Naomi is ready to hand her best buddy the wire hanger (maybe she should take her to Krispy Kreme to get a doughnut to celebrate her choice). And, because 90210 is so edgy, they even let Naomi out with the "a" word. That's right, kiddies, she thinks Adrianna should get an abortion. Kelly cuts Naomi off before things get too heated, and reminds Adrianna that she should really consider all her options, but Adrianna is already beyond pissed; she would like Naomi to kindly STFU. Kelly also mentions adoption... could this bastard baby be the solution to Kelly's old fairweather friend Brenda Walsh's reproductive woes? Nooooo, writers, say it ain't so!

Lunch in the electric yellow cafeteria means Silver can now bitch about how mean Semi Hot teacher was to boot her out of his class and watch Dixon drink a delicious Dr Pepper. He gives her some lame advice about how dudes deal with being hurt (gee, is he talking about himself here?) but Silver is thick-skulled, and sees the best solution to her problem is to do the assignment (a three-page essay about Heart of Darkness) for the class she's no longer in and make it "like the best essay in like the history of essays!" Sure, girlie, that'll win his heart. Because nothing says "I'm sorry for insinuating on the internet that you are a teacher who likes to bang little girls" like a well-written analysis of Conrad's famous war story.

Naomi arrives home from a long day of pushing abortion to find some blondie in a business suit is sizing up her house. She's a realtor, and she's prepping the house for sale. Naomi's dad (The Cheater) ambles in and has a little word with his daughter about how her mom is kinda having a tough time (you know, the whole "she thought she found her long-lost birth son who turned out to be a con man who took her for a sick amount of cash" thing can really get a person down) and isn't flitting about Paris as Naomi thinks; she's actually on a more long-term plan to run away from her problems and obligations and is living in New York. The house is for sale, and Naomi? Well, she gets to change her address to the beach, Chez Philanderer and his new chippy. Oh, Naomi is pissed...

Adrianna is taking a moment to guzzle more coffee, chomp down power bars, ignore text messages from Naomi (good, since texting while driving is illegal now, girl!), and listen to moody music while driving along the coast. She drives and drives until sun-up, when she predictably almost gets into a wreck, which causes her to pull over and reflect about this big life change.

Life is now so not a beach for Naomi. Her dad is actually...gasp...parenting her! Rough times.

"Silver of Darkness" (her name, not mine) has been up all night writing her paper. Her half-sis Kelly finds her in her jammies on the couch with her laptop; oddly, this is the first she's hearing of Silver being booted out of Semi-Hot teacher's class. (Probably because she's so busy going off campus to offer unsolicited advice to students.)

Ethan decides to take Annie up on her suggestion of trying out for the play, only, uh oh! He's a shitty actor! And he gets dissed by the hunky leading man from the first school play. Old drama, Annie! Old, old, old...

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And, look, it's Adrianna...she's driven herself to a place called "Women's Clinic." Which is kind of funny, because I hope she isn't thinking she can just get a walk-in abortion. It kind of (okay, completely) doesn't work that way.

She has also missed auditions for Antony and Cleopatra...which Annie and former leading man Ty think they've rocked. Of course, former leading man thinks he rocked it a little more than Annie, because he's giving her critique about her performance and how it's affecting his. Ouch!

He's 23, she's 33...They're ridiculous
What's really confusing right now is actually what time it is, because it seems that it's first thing in the morning; Adrianna has rolled up to the "Women's Clinic" after her all-night driving binge, and Kelly is confronting Semi Hot teacher in his snazzy classroom. But isn't first thing in the morning a weird time to hold play auditions? Isn't that the sort of thing that happens after school? This is one weird school. Speaking of Kelly and Semi-Hot teacher, it's co-worker with a history of sexual tension confrontation time. Kelly can't believe he's "burned out" because he's 23. I can't believe Kelly got her panties in a wad about dating him, because she is ten years older than him, as is Brenda Walsh, with whom he did the horizontal mambo (not to mention Kimbercop, but that's not what this is about). Way to cradle-rob, Kelly. You really should let this one go. No wonder he is such a whiny, pissy, idealistic nit-wit; he's not that much older than the kids he teaches. Kelly is advocating him taking his head out of his ass long enough to read the paper Silver wrote for him. Lame cause to champion.

She is SASSY!
Adrianna now shows up and is trying to score an audition, but "this is not how we do it in New York, honey." But, oh, how she wants this part! And she's late because she "had a doctor's appointment" (at the "Women's Clinic"?) Let me guess: She's going to bust out with an audition despite the teacher's snarky denial. Yup, here she goes. She gets two lines out and the sassy drama teacher starts beaming a warm smile of acceptance.Meanwhile, Naomi wanders into her mom's old house and hears mumbling adult voices, apparently doing, well, what adults do behind closed doors that have bras hanging off the door handles. Is that her dad and the realtor? Ooopsies!

At the Wilson manse, Dixon is crying into his pasta (he's a sensitive guy who cooks) and Mom starts to pry into his love life, then offers him some sage advice about relationships: Tell the person you love what you want.

Adrianna wanders into the beachfront yard where Naomi is curled up on an Adirondack chair in front of a bonfire. Adrianna makes some speech about never flying a kite again (euphemism for "being able to forget being knocked up" or something) and explains to Naomi her long and winding road (she made it all the way to Big Sur, egads!). Turns out she went to the Doctor and she can't. No, it's not that she can't face the abortion...she's actually too far along to legally have one. Oh noes! So she has to have the baby (way to avoid doing something actually edgy and realistic, 90210).

The next morning Naomi mouths off to her dad, telling him that she's going to check into a hotel rather than stay with him and his chippy. Tells him he's a shitty parent, and that she knows about him and the realtor. SNAP!

Semi Hot teacher tells Silver he read her paper. "It was insightful." Yeah, I'm sure it was brilliant. Looks like her plan worked...he's letting her back in the class, as long as she stops using the word 'ass" so liberally.

Poor Adrianna...
But the news in the hallway isn't so good for everyone...Ty gets the part of Antony, but Annie doesn't get the part of Cleopatra...but guess who does? Yups, the pregnant girl. Who is having an on-campus talk about her pregnancy with Naomi and Kelly Taylor. Kelly is starting to nose in about who the father is, saying the doctor will have to know (really?). She even knows when Adrianna conceived (TMI for a Guidance Counselor, methinks. I mean, I enjoyed chatting with my high school GC, Mr. van Bremen, about how my classes were going, what schools I was applying to, my school activities, but never my sex life. Does this--should this--really happen?) but...who IS the baby daddy, Adrianna? Uh's the play's leading man, smug actor boy, Ty! But he's the Antony to her Cleopatra! He's still kinda hot for Annie! He's a douchebag! 90210 you are so full of dramatic tangles!

Annie is now moping in the dark in her jammies, and isn't in the mood to go with Ethan to the "Cast and Crew" dinner. Wow, they all go out to dinner like the day the cast list goes up? Nobody had other plans? And, they're going to an Egyptian restaurant!

Of course, we all know that Egyptian restaurants are plentiful in Los Angeles. Why, there's... Oh. Wait up. Does anyone know of an Egyptian restaurant? (Citysearch says there is one; unless it up and moved from Westwood, this isn't where the West Bev gang is headed.)

Apparently we're all missing out, because there's this totally happening Egyptian spot at Hollywood and Highland. I'm not sure if it's closer to the Gap or the Chinese Theatre, though. Oddly enough, this has nothing to do with the Egyptian theatre, which doesn't serve food, but is where the Pig & Whistle is, and that restaurant has actually been there for decades and decades. But it's not actually Egyptian.

Guess who hangs out at make-believe Egyptian restaurants, too? Semi hot teacher! He's there to eat a meal on the Drama Department's bill, and to flirt with the sassy drama teacher. Apparently he's thinking about putting Antony and Cleopatra on the syllabus. Of course, nevermind that a) High school classes don't have syllabi and b) Those decisions are usually made well in advance and based on district guidelines. But, hey, like, whatever. If they can eat make-believe food in a make-believe place, he can have his make-believe English class.

For some unknown reason Silver is at the make-believe Egyptian place, too, babbling on non-stop about her "insightful" paper. And for even more unknown reasons, Dixon shows up...and DUMPS SILVER. Whoa!

Naomi came to the pretend restaurant, too, to be Adrianna's moral support. She's all into the fact that she lives in a hotel (on whose tab, we don't know) but Adrianna is too busy being wigged out by the fact that her baby daddy just walked in. What's she gonna do?

Annie, who stayed home to be bummed out, is talking to her parents about being "bummed out." "Why is life so full of challenges?" she ponders. So true, sister! She decides she's back in the mood for imaginary Egyptian food, and she calls up Ethan to say she'll meet him there.

But Ethan--oh, Ethan!--he's breaking the law. He's NOT USING A HANDSFREEE DEVICE TO TALK ON HIS CELLPHONE WHILE DRIVING! That is BAD, dude. BAD!

And you know what happens to BAD PEOPLE?

They get into car accidents.

See you in two weeks, kids!

90210 airs Tuesdays at 8 on the CW

Get caught up: Episodes 1 & 2; Episode 3; Episode 4; Episode 5; Episode 6; Episode 7; Episode 8; Episode 9; Episode 10; Episode 11; Episode 12; Episode 13; or go retro.

Apologies for the crappy photos; the CW hasn't posted ones from this Ep yet, so I had to screenshot a YouTube video. Rough, man.

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