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Arts and Entertainment

Morning After Report: 90210 Episode 16 'Of Heartbreaks and Hotels'

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Have you seen this girl's parents?

Have you seen this girl's parents?
You know what's more exhilarating than Valentine's Day Beverly Hills teenager style? How about a show that includes sneak previews of the Jonas Brothers' 3D Movie? Ohhh, yeah, baby. Okay, actually, it's less "ohhh yeah" and more "ohhhh yuck!" but that's why God invented the dvr and the fast forward button--you know, for Generation Xers who watch a show about teenagers because it's loosely affiliated with a show that ushered us into our own fragile teen years. So let's get it on. I mean, it is the Valentine's Day episode and all...

Naomi, a 16-year-old who goes to a public high school and has a dad who lives at the beach with his new young chippy and a mom who bailed out of the blue to go vacation in New York to "find herself" or something, has been living at the W Hotel. Just who is footing the bill and why either of her parents are tolerating this is beyond understanding, but in TV land, anything is possible. Much like the fact that Naomi throws open her hotel room curtains and drinks in a view of the Capitol Records Building; this girl has super-powered eyesight, since the only W open for business in LA is in Westwood. Of course, she could live in the future, as in a year from now, when the W Hollywood is expected to be open, but...nah, that's not going to happen on this show. Regardless of the geography, this hotel seems super fantastic, because everyone knows Naomi by name, and they have her Vanilla Skim Latte ready to go and her car already pulled around up front so she can drive her spoiled ass to West Bev High in time for Chem class.

Speaking of West Bev, that's where Dixon and Silver are dropping "I Love You" bombs left and right. Silver has magically morphed into a Whitney Houston song-quoting "cheesy goober." Our other couple, Annie and Ethan, are having another tense conversation highlighting their obvious discord, while walking through the hallway--where a Party City Valentine's Day aisle has exploded red hearts all over. And here comes Rhonda, the nerdy-but-sweet (conniving) blonde girl Ethan plowed into in his SUV while breaking state law and chatting on the phone. They are now besties, and Annie can't stand it.

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But the hallways are full of more drama, when some dudes try to get Navid to say who Adrianna's baby-daddy is. Navid, Mr. Cool with his arm slung over the shoulders of his New Girlfriend, is like "Pssht, yeah, whatever, man, I don't know who knocked her up, could be anyone, glad it's not me." Which of course she overhears. Ouch!

Then comes the humiliating ritual of the "flower-grams" (seriously, why does this happen at high schools, it just drives home the fact that you are "not normal" if you aren't someone who spends her snack break plastered against a row of lockers under the probing hands of your significant other). Adrianna gets one...from the faculty. Okay, that's embarrassing. Naomi assures Ade she shouldn't be down--she looks hot, and if Naomi went "to the Island of Lesbos" Ade would be her pick. Quick, show me the Jonas Brothers in 3D!

Time for true confessions: Rhonda admits to Ethan that she's been "exaggerating her injuries." He makes this scrunchy-face because he is not the sharpest tool in the shed. "What?" When the lightbulb goes off, he's remarkably cool with her admission, and says they will stay friends.

Meanwhile, in the Dr Pepper cafeteria, Annie is helping Silver plan a romantic date with Dixon. Silver's whining because Dixon (you know, with his lifetime of experiences) has already had a romantic dinner, but Annie's like, "hey, the scene is way different here in L.A." To make this point even more evident, Silver overhears Naomi (and her Dr Pepper) tell Ade (and her Sunkist--hey, lucky girl!) about how amazing the restaurant at her hotel is. Swarming with celebs, killer food, Valentine's Day menu to die for... Apparently Silver, who is the shows "blogger," is not internet savvy enough to have ever heard of Chowhound, or any of the eight grillion dining-specific blogs about Los Angeles, and is relying on a hot tip gleaned while eavesdropping on someone I'm pretty sure she doesn't even like.

Annie is now taking a "real" acting class...looks like she's in over her head! Suddenly the girl who took the lead in "Spring Awakening" takes a direction to "dig deeper" in a monologue and "gets louder." Poor Annie, nothing is going right for her these days.

Party City also exploded over at the Dr Pepper Pit, where "Nat got a little carried away with the Valentine's theme" since there are hearts in Annie's waffles. Hey--Nat exists! Seems like his leery old-man lingering was too gross for the new generation of 90210-ers, though, so he's never seen, barely mentioned. Now Rhonda is showing up to burst in on Annie's romantic meal with Ethan...

Silver is now pleading with the host at the hotel restaurant, which is all booked up. Is her scope really this limited? Did they really book up months in advance in this economy? Silver tries to slip him a ten dollar bill, then hears him tell one of the hotel guests they've saved tables for that he can certainly seat them tonight. Say what? If only she knew someone staying at the hotel...(or another restaurant in a city with hundreds of amazing restaurants.)

Rhonda is telling some sob story about a bad experience at a dance. Annie has no time for her tale, but Ethan's heart is melting. The story ends with Rhonda taking sleeping pills and moving to West Beverly Hills. Okay, can anyone say EMILY VALENTINE? This chick is whack.

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Silver is begging Naomi to score her a reserv at the restaurant. Yeah, you totally didn't see that coming. To thank Naomi, Silver offers to buy her a drink. Not a frappuccino, or a Dr. Pepper, or a latte...but "a drink." 16-going-on-25. Naomi suggests they sit at the bar. "Don't mention we're in High School," she says. Silver talks with a British accent; they order a sparkling water and a chamomile tea. Seriously, at the bar? There's some flirting with the bartender, who Naomi has the hots for.

Forget "Where Everybody Knows Your Name," this bar is where nobody checks IDs!

Navid bumps into Adrianna in some cafe, and apologizes. He promises to knock down anyone who talks smack about Adrianna, Navid-style. One can only imagine how awkward that might end up being for him. Good thing Ade is not going to the dance tonight.

Love has overcome Silver, and now she's a giggling, smiling, hugging girl who squeals when Naomi lends her some fancy shoes. Perhaps their long-lost friendship is rekindling? Silver tells Naomi she should send the cutie bartender some champagne and to tell him to meet her at the pool. The road to hell, and all, right?

Acting coach is telling some horrible life-story to inspire his pupils to be in touch with their pain. Annie's turn, and her story--well, the four words she gets out--isn't "deep" enough for acting coach. Sheesh, guy, let her talk! So she launches into a story...that sounds a lot like...Rhonda's story! Hey, Annie, not cool. In case we don't recognize the story, they've intercut it with Rhonda telling it. Thanks for that, CW! And thanks for sending in Ethan to pick up Annie to overhear her exploiting Rhonda's pain. Busted!

Meanwhile, at the W, Dixon meets up with Silver for their uber-romantic dinner. "Apparently they have the best chef in the whole city!" (Err, sorry W, but no.) And by the pool, Naomi waits for her dreamy bartender to show up for their rendezvous. The other kids are rocking out at the school dance. Good times!

Silver is wigging out because the chocolate cake she thought she special ordered isn't happening. "It's not perfect!" she wails. Chill out, girlfriend. Dixon shuts her up by giving her some jewelry. Silver is into this, big time. "Let's get a room!" Rrrrrrowl! Valentine's Day nookie = better than chocolate cake.

Ethan heads to the school dance without Annie (really?) and guess who is there, looking cute and perky and as if she doesn't have a care in the world? Mmmm hmmm, that would be Rhonda. Annie's calling Ethan, but he's not picking up. This is going to be a sucky Valentine's Day for Annie, but at least she will now have some "deep" pain to draw upon for her acting class.

What's that in Silver's hand? It's a condom! (Probably not a Vegan one.) "Are you sure you're ready?" asks Dixon. Yup, she's ready. They makeout in a montage scored by an alt-pop song about love or something that features Naomi waiting alone by the pool, Annie staring in the mirror and crying with her cellphone, and Adrianna in sweats crawling into bed. I'll have Silver's day, thank you very much!

Outside West Bev High, Rhonda says goodnight to Ethan and tries to plant a kiss on him. He doesn't hate it, but...too soon, perhaps? Oh, wait, they are "just friends." Now Rhonda is making scrunchy "say what?" face. Didn't Ethan and Annie break up, she wonders. But they didn't--it was just a rough night for Ethan. He was just being nice! Silly Rhonda, you'd better go home and take some sleeping pills and then move to La Jolla or something, because this isn't going to go your way.

Navid, dressed like he just did a DJ set with Datarock at a show with a "Cosby sweaters" theme, shows up in Ade's bedroom. Poor pregnant girl has smeared her face with chocolate and fallen asleep with the wrappers strewn on her bed. But Navid is hitting on her, asking her to be his Valentine, and she's saying yes. They totally have a chocolatey kiss. (I stab my eye out with a plastic fork.)

Monday, at school, Dixon and Silver are making out in the hallway. They are like rabbits, these teenagers! He reaches for her hip, but, hey, why is she squeamish? She's sore, apparently. Not because they humped for hours, but because she took it upon herself to drink a bottle of stupid and go get "Dixon" tattooed in script on her stomach. So many kinds of wrong, girlie, so many... And speaking of wrong, Rhonda and Annie lock Ethan in a staredown sandwich, and he picks... neither.

Since it's school, there's some Algebra happening, and Principal Dad shows up with a new kid. Well, it's not going to be two kids from Kansas (Annie and Dixon) or an undercover drug cop (Kimbercop) so, really, the only logical option would be if it were the cute bartender from Naomi's hotel.

Which, it is. Instead of being happy to see Naomi, he's pissed, because his mom had to sign for the bottle of champagne she sent to his house and that led to her realizing he wasn't in West Bev the way he should be. This is probably more absurd that the Capitol Records building being in Westwood--how did the W (a major international company) hire this kid to be a bartender without checking his documents? How did this kid fool his mother into thinking he was in school when he worked at a bar? Why did his mother read the card on the champagne? Why, of all the hundreds of schools in Los Angeles, did this kid have to go to West Bev? TV, you are so silly.

And you're also taking a few weeks off, it seems. Life is going to get all "fast lane" on 90210 (cars, sex, scandal) but not until March 31st. See you then!

Photos by Michael Desmond for the CW

90210 airs Tuesdays at 8 on the CW

Get caught up: Episodes 1 & 2; Episode 3; Episode 4; Episode 5; Episode 6; Episode 7; Episode 8; Episode 9; Episode 10; Episode 11; Episode 12; Episode 13; Episode 14; Episode 15; or go retro.

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