Morning After Report: 90210 Episode 19 'Okaeri, Donna!'

Well hello, Tori! It's so nice to have you back where you belong...

Well hello, Tori! It's so nice to have you back where you belong...
Donna Martin (Tori Spelling) was never my favorite character on the original Beverly Hills 90210, but damn if she didn't last the whole ten-year-run, and damn if all these years later I am beyond jazzed that Spelling got whatever deal she needed to get her and her fake boobies on the new 90210. I'm so ready. Bring her on!First we have to deal with the messy aftermath of all the crap that happened last week and before, including Silver's bipolar Union Station meltdown. And, how lovely for us, the audience, to learn about bipolar through this young character--Dixon tells Silver about a crazy Spring Break yacht party, but Kelly "Psych Major" Taylor objects because (write this down, people) bipolar people need to maintain balance and avoid being over-stimulated. As Silver describes her new life (meds, Kelly, lunch, homework, Kelly, journal writing, Kelly, meds) we might also glean that bipolar is a drag--or at least involves a lot of Kelly Taylor.

It's now six hours until Spring Break, but Annie is depressed in the halls of West Bev. Since she and Ethan broke up (yes, again!) now Spring Break isn't going to be fun because they won't spend it together doing "all those L.A. things they always wanted to do." Dixon's solution is a "brother-sister road trip." Dixon's big plan is to go to Arizona to hit up 5 water parks, but tell the 'rents they're at Grandma's house in Palm Springs (omg, where is Grandma? She's fabulous!). Semi-Hot Teacher's SB plan is to do a Habitat for Humanity project, because he is a stereotypical bleeding heart liberal educator who can show the rich kids that giving to those less fortunate can be more rewarding than getting for yourself. Er, or something like that. Hello, people, where is Donna Martin?

The kids aren't into the Habitat idea: "Unless there's going to be drunk chicks doing body shots, I'm gonna stick with South Beach," offers one bright mind at West Bev. Naomi weighs her options, and poor people waiting on her in Cabo is better than her waiting on poor people by building them homes. Classy. But Ethan is sold. He wants to experience something he's never experienced before. But, hey, whose name is on the sign up roster? It's the underage bartender Naomi is jocking. Big surprise, Naomi signs up, too. What fun!

Kelly is annoying every fiber in Silver's being with her "mood chart" and "are you okay?" assessments. You'd think KT would be a bit better-equipped to handle this since, oh, I don't know, she's counselor for teens by profession. (And might I add, that, if--when--this show goes belly up, can I put in my request to the producers and set designers to get a hold of the chairs Kelly and Silver are sitting in? They're adorable. And I've just realized that would be something I never noticed on the og show. Showing my age again.)

Half-sisters, half-sisters-in-law, best friends...giggle fest!
Speaking of showing age...there's the doorbell. Dear Jesus, please let it be Donna Martin.OMFG it is Donna Martin!

So in comes Donna, presumably unannounced, which is kind of rude, but, okay, whatever, and she's apparently a big time fashion designer living in Japan. She's got a baby in tow, and she looks pretty fab. She greets Silver as her "half-sister-in-law" which is an encouraging nod to the end of the original show when she said I do with David Silver--whose name I'm pretty sure by this point we are somehow legally forbidden to utter because no one seems to have ever dared say "David." Kelly mentions that her little bastard kid is staying with his daddy (we are allowed to say Dylan, phew!) so Donna and her baby, Ruby, can stay with them. And Donna can regale them with tales of her exciting life--oh, except Silver has to go to bed right now because she is bipolar. Nighty-night!

Dixon and Annie are on the road to AZ. Brother-Sister Roadtrip FTW! Don't forget the Dr Pepper! That stuff is DELICIOUS!

Dad. Mom. A table. Gross!
Back at the manse, Mom and Dad Wilson are alone, and to pass the time, Dad proposes they have "lots and lots of sex." I kind of miss Jim and Cindy Walsh's subtlety right about now. Besides, Mom has to do this thing called "work." Dad is as intrigued as I am to see this miracle, so he suggests he tag along and "watch her" work.Over in Chumash Country (I'm not kidding) Semi-Hot is rallying the rich kids to build homes. Don't touch the Chumash artifacts you might find! One kid wants to find some Chumash weed. Hey, way to be inappropriate. Underage Bartender (UB for short--what's his name?) is like, "uh, do you mean Peyote?" If you're going to be a tool at least be an accurate one. He also doffs Naomi's approaches again, leaving her to run to Ethan to whine about her problems. Ethan is not into that idea.

Meanwhile, Donna is breaking California state law by talking on the phone without a hands-free device. It's all important Japan-fashion-businessy stuff. Oh, Donna, you're such a success! And to think, you almost didn't graduate! She and Kelly are hitting the streets of Beverly Hills. But, what's this?--a reality check? Kelly tells Donna that you aren't allowed to talk on the phone and drive anymore without a Blue Tooth. Finally! Donna has also embraced Public Transit--in Japan, not LA, obvs--and, just when you think things couldn't be any more different, Kelly mentions that their old clothing store, Now Wear This, has become a Medical Marijuana dispensary. Well, it is on Melrose. It seems fitting, really (I think it's actually a Mexican restaurant).

And FINALLY they drop the "D" bomb. DAVID. KT thinks D&D are like a "power couple," and guessing by the way Donna says "David is fabulous!' things probably aren't so fabulous. Dirt, woman, I want dirt. I don't care that you're fictional characters! But they have shopping to do--at Opening Ceremony--so enough of this yakking for now. Grr!

Hey, you kids ever try this Dr Pepper stuff?
In the desert, Dixon does an ad for Dr Pepper, including a very deliberate holding-up of the can product placement move. Shudder. This is so heavy-handed, I feel tempted to boycott Dr Pepper. We get it. You're a sponsor. "Drinking Dr Pepper is practically a requirement," says Annie. While she means during a roadtrip, it's painfully obvious she really means "to be on this show." Dr Pepper, please stop making them do this. It hurts.While Annie goes to pee out all her DP, Dixon picks up his snazzy T-Mobile phone and makes a "mysterious phone call" which, as 90210 has taught us, is what T-Mobile phones are super good for. I think he is looking for his birth mom, and that's probably why he wanted to go to AZ. They aren't as mysterious as they think.

Over on the former set of Little House on the Prairie (ok, kidding, but that building Ethan is "painting" looks like the old church/schoolhouse, doesn't it?) Ethan agrees to ask UB (Liam, actually) if he likes Naomi--basically to shut Naomi up.

The UB and Ethan...just a couple of tools hanging around
UB thinks that Ethan is actually trying to break in the new guy or something, and punch him (hey, is he from Chino?) so he doesn't answer the question. Ha ha, Ethan, looks like Naomi won't be shutting up any time soon...

Donna and Kelly go to get some sushi (anyone recognize this place?) and talk earnestly about how Kelly is handling Silver's mental illness. They are interrupted by what has to be one of the oddest moments of pop culture guest casting--Diablo Cody shows up at their table to compliment Donna on her dress. At first Donna's like, huh, who are you? But then Diablo (ugh, I'm sorry, but we were blogging pals back in the dark ages, aka 2003, pre-Diablo, pre-Juno, pre-Oscar, pre-90210 guest appearance, and I still have a hard time calling her Diablo) says they called the movie "Teenage Mommy Girl" in Japan, and suddenly Donna gets it. Diablo wants a Donna Martin original for a big premiere, but sadly no one sells her stuff in LA. But she sews really fast, offers Kelly. Sold! And...Diablo whips out a pocket hamburger phone. Oh, no...

Donna, Kelly, and...Diablo Cody.
Dixon and Annie arrive at a hokey cowboy-themed hotel. Annie is ready for some water park action, but Dixon is obviously distracted. He admits that his birth mom lives here. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn!

Donna and Kelly pick up Silver in the groovy posh convertible, and brag about meeting Diablo Cody. "No way!" she says. "I've been reading her blog for years. She's my idol!" Donna asks Silver to help her style Diablo for the red carpet, but Kelly says NO because that would be too wild and stimulating. Silver is piiiiiiiissssed. That did seem kind of harsh, Kel.

At camp, UB teases Naomi about her camping skills, and she's trying to give him the cold shoulder, but he grabs her and plants one on her. Rrrowl! Naughtiness next to a lake in Chumash Country. Hawt.

Naomi deals with her JBF hair
Naomi can't resist bragging to Ethan. "So...Liam and I just did it in the woods." UB is such a bad boy. He went to score some Peyote, which Naomi thinks is lame because she's so not into drugs (but sex, hey--woo hoo!). Ethan=not interested. He wants this trip to be about new experiences, but Semi-Hot doesn't have much to offer as consolation when Ethan whines about the trip being just like school but with hot dogs and hammering. Lest we forget, Dad is watching Mom work. She takes photos for a living, remember? And Dad is a bit distraught that the nude model is a dude. Annie calls up Dad to tell them she and Dixon are all good in Palm Springs. Of course, they are so NOT in Palm Springs...Annie's wigging out because there's this whole side of Dixon she doesn't know. (I think it's the side that would normally teach him how to "brush his black hair," as Dad once so eloquently put it). Anyhow, Dixon needs to tell his birth mom he's sorry because he wanted to be adopted instead of going back to her when his grandmother died (not "the" Grandma!). How curious that in Kansas, apparently, kids decide what they get to do. What a strange place.

Apparently Ethan's big idea to expand his horizons is to try to buy peyote off UB. "I don't think you can handle it," says UB. The deal is, if UB doesn't sell to Ethan, Ethan will tattle to Semi-Hot. So, UB counters that he will give it over to Ethan, but they'll drink the tea together, because softy jock Ethan needs a tough guy to be with him for the experience.

Silver is admiring the Muu-Muu Donna made for Diablo Cody when Donna spies Silver's misplaced tramp-stamp ("Dixon" in fancy script near her belly button/hip bone area). Awkward! Donna tells Silver a heartwarming story about a fashion show, a model, and a pair of high heels hoping to inspire Silver to understand what Kelly is trying to do for her. Admit it, this is classic Donna cute, down to the giggle. Silver, however, is not so charmed. She's ready to tell Kelly to suck it.

Finding out how things really go down in Kansas
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...sort of. Dixon sees his mom from a distance, but balks. It's too painful, he's not ready to see her... well, what a waste of a road trip! It's Annie to the rescue, though. She talks to Dixon's birth mom and passes on his apology to her. Birth Mom is like "why would he apologize to me?" and when Annie tells her about him being a kid and being asked if he wanted to go with her or be adopted, Mom set the record straight about how things work in Kansas. "He thought that was HIS idea? He was 8. It was my call." Sorry, children in Kansas. You can't actually ask to be adopted after all. Birth Mom invites Annie to sit, and they bond.At camp, UB and Ethan are doing some peyote in the woods. I get the feeling UB is tricking Ethan...they probably are just drinking mint tea or something. Something tells me the CW wouldn't be down with a mescaline-laced storyline. "Am I trippin'?" wonders Ethan. And he starts to act stupid. The placebo effect...hilarious. Ethan starts to reveal all these deep inner workings of his psychology...he's tired of being a phony, blah blah blah. Okay, seriously, UB is totally pulling one over on him. But Ethan might get the "experience" he was after.

On the red carpet, Donna is putting the finishing touches on Diablo Cody. Donna somehow sneaks up behind her, and Silver and Kelly, watching live at home (on what, the "live premiere of unnamed movies channel"?) spy her behind the Oscar winner. A reporter calls out Donna, and she goes all dorky on camera. Kelly and Silver take a moment to giggle, and to try to work things out about how Kelly is handling Silver's bipolar. Ah, compromise!

When UB goes to take a leak he falls and jacks his ankle. Ethan goes to help, but then has a crisis...his mind altering experience has led him to believe he should not be the same old helpful happy go-lucky guy anymore. UB has had enough, and he confesses. "You're not high, dude," he tells Ethan. "You spent the day inhaling paint fumes, had some beer, and drank some herbal tea." NOW Ethan punches him. Hm, maybe UB is from Chino. Welcome to the 9-0-2-1-0, bitch!

SURPRISE!
So Kelly and Silver let loose by applying face cream, but Donna amps up the excitement level by bringing Diablo Cody home with her. The moment is captured via Diablo's CameraHamburgerPhone. I wish I were kidding. Speaking of kidding, Ethan calls UB a douchebag for faking him out with the peyote. UB shows Ethan this gnarly scar of his from an old drug-taking injury. It's deep. And by that I mean the scar, not the moment.

Back at Kelly's Donna admits she's thinking about coming back to LA and opening a store. "Do you think David would go for it?" asks Kelly. The look on Donna's face is priceless. Uh oh.

"David and I are separated," says Donna. And if I weren't already on the VERGE OF TEARS, I now have to see another beyond gratuitous shot of a can of Dr Pepper in Dixon's hand as he and Annie drive through the desert. Pass me one of those prop cactus, I want to stab my eyes out. Oh, and guess who the new BFFs are? Ethan and UB, of course.

Next week: Sexy dancing, Navid and Adrianna might get married, Kelly gets smutty, Silver whines, and...MORE DONNA MARTIN. Okay, fine. I'm in.

90210 airs Tuesdays at 9 (new time!) on the CW

Get caught up: Episodes 1 & 2; Episode 3; Episode 4; Episode 5; Episode 6; Episode 7; Episode 8; Episode 9; Episode 10; Episode 11; Episode 12; Episode 13; Episode 14; Episode 15; Episode 16; Episode 17; Episode 18; or go retro.