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Arts and Entertainment

Morning After Report: 90210 Episode 18 'Off the Rails'

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Silver might be smiling here, but this week, fans, you aren't going to see much of that. (Photo by The CW)

Silver might be smiling here, but this week, fans, you aren't going to see much of that. (Photo by The CW)
Last week it was hard not to focus on Silver flying her freak flag hella high, so quick reminder that there are other folks at West Bev High, namely one Ms. Kelly Taylor (who still is at odds with the Semi-Hot Teacher for schtupping Brenda Walsh a while back) along with a knocked up Adrianna and her boyfriend-but-not-baby-daddy Navid.

That said, we pick up exactly where we left off, with Silver clenching her jaw, baring her teeth, and demanding that Semi-Hot Teacher "make things right" for her and Dixon. Keep in mind, as she's hurling bottles around his film noir-esque apartment, a trashcan full of memorabilia from her creepy indie movie is blazing over in the Wilson's driveway. Her big idea is for Semi-Hot Teacher to tell Dixon "the truth" which is, of course, the amusing invented notion that he was manipulating her to hate Dixon. It takes about 3 seconds for Silver to admit she's lying (that's one brief delusion) and she wails about her movie for a while. Semi-Hot Teacher's big idea is to call Kelly--not only the school psychologist, but also Silver's half-sister. But the second Semi-Hot looks away...Silver is gone.

Up in Griffith Park, Annie is sniffling through a teary breakup redux with Ethan, when she pauses to answer a call from her mother. Sounds like the Wilsons are hoping Annie can shed some light on the issue of Silver setting shit on fire in the driveway. (Incidentally, if you follow @Silver90210 on Twitter you may have been as amused as I was when last week she Tweeted: "Why is everyone calling me Emily Valentine?" Hilarious.) Anyhow, even though they just broke up for the 7,563rd time, Ethan agrees to drive Annie home.

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Now we intercut between Dixon telling his astonished parents what Silver's been up to (Mom: "She got a giant tattoo of your name?") and Semi-Hot telling Kelly the same (Kelly: "What do you mean she broke into your apartment? No way!") The killer is that Kelly says she would know if something was wrong with Silver, which is quite possibly the funniest thing anyone has ever said, since we haven't seen Kelly in, like, weeks, and when Semi-Hot asks "Do you know about her movie?" she of course says "What movie?" But then it gets better...Dixon tells his parents Silver's film masterpiece included them having sex.

And the story begins to get its legs, as text messages and phone calls go out. But they all agree on one thing: Silver must be on drugs! Then, between all the characters, they name like every narcotic substance known to mankind. "We have to find her!" "I'm worried!" "I'm scared!" they all say. I'll give it to the show for this montage--it works. I'm thinking I should go out and look for Silver, too. The girl needs help, dammit! Dixon brings it back to my 90210 happy place though, as he massages his temples and says what I say every time I sit down to watch this beautiful travesty of televised entertainment: "Oh god. What is happening?" Let's all do the classic Brandon Walsh double-fist pump during the credits, shall we?

Principal Dad and Debbie "Downer" Mom Wilson are very concerned. (Photo by The CW)
Now we are deep in the land of make-believe. Principal Dad gives the keys to the school to Annie and Ethan, Kelly eschews staying home with her son so she can go out and look for Silver, Adrianna and Navid are ok'd to watch Kelly's kid, and somehow Principal Dad and Mom are using keys to the Dr Pepper Pit to let themselves in after hours. (Seriously, Dixon, who has worked like 4 shifts there in his life, has keys, that he lets someone else use to access the premises? Where is Nat? That's absurd.)

Now all the pairs of people are fighting. Mom can't believe Dixon has been boning Silver and the parents didn't know. Kelly thinks Silver being "missing" is Semi-Hot's fault. Adrianna tells Navid that she's pretty sure she's going to give up her baby for adoption, but Navid seems kind of grossly into the fact that she's got a bun in the oven.

Right after this, as Dixon sifts through the burned rubble in the family's trash can, the credits tell us that this episode was directed by Jason Priestley. Suddenly everything feels right in the world. In some way or another, they all come back, don't they? (You hear that, Luke Perry?)

Silver calls Dixon. She babbles like a crazy person, and ends with "without you, life isn't worth living." Dixon, sensitive soul that he is, hangs up on her.

He seems to have shut off to the whole scenario. He opts to turn off his phone and play video games. "Silver's a freak. I've got better things to worry about," he tells his parents.

At the school, Silver's creepy movie--the part with the closeup on her lips reading love poems--is playing in the media room. Annie and Ethan head there, and run into...Naomi. Naomi is the one who put Silver's movie on to watch--yes, at the school--but admits it's a bit too arty for her, she's not a "Sunset 5" kind of girl (a line pretty much no one outside the general Los Angeles area will understand). How did Naomi get in? The janitor, charmed by her looks, it seems. "If you dressed more like me..." she explains to Annie. So apparently, if you want access to a high school at night, seduce the janitor by dressing like a stewardess for an airline with a taxicab motif. Noted.

So Silver's trip is that she is off to "find the source," but nobody knows what she's talking about. I'm hoping it's her parents, and this means we get to see Mel Silver and Jackie Taylor. I'm also hoping this means David and Donna are there, too, and we go very, very, old school up in here. Kelly is feeling me. "The source of...her pain," she offers Semi-Hot. Ding dong! They are at Jackie Taylor's door. Oh, man, this is good!

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So Jackie, a little Blanche Devereaux in her silky dressing gown, is entertaining a young foreign stud named "Dierk." They are drinking wine and listening to WHAM!'s classic "Careless Whisper." Oh, and he doesn't know Jackie has kids. OMGROFLMAO.

Jackie is three sheets to the wind, and makes an ass of herself trying to make an ass of Kelly, implying Kelly and Semi-Hot are an item, then assuring everyone Silver is probably just out "slutting it up" like Kelly used to do. Nice touch, Jackie. But Kelly puts the cherry on the cake and tells Dierk that not only is Jackie her mom, but since Kelly has a kid, Jackie's a grandma. Kelly and Semi Hot wisely decide to blow this pop stand.

Is Kelly Taylor her mother's daughter? (Photo by The CW)
But we don't have time to revel in this delicious mother-daughter moment, because Kelly gets a mysterious phone call... Okay, it's not mysterious, just really implausible. The cops have found Silver's car abandoned in a lot downtown. Now, since Silver hasn't been missing for more than a couple of hours, no police would allow a report to be filed. And after a couple of hours of being parked somewhere, a car would not be considered abandoned, and, even if it was parked where it shouldn't be, it would just plain get ticketed or towed. Tsk, tsk, writers.

Kelly blames herself for Silver's breakdown, but nothing Semi-Hot says is comforting. Dixon doesn't give a crap about Silver's "abandoned" car (remind me never to park Downtown for more than a couple of hours since the cops will call my next of kin and wig them out). He thinks Silver is playing them all for fools.

But now we see where Silver is. She's at Union Station, and the dame looks good. Oh, not Silver...Union Station. That place is really beautiful (well, except the bathrooms--holy crap, the stench). Anyhow, Silver is looking for a train to Kansas. The source, people, the source of her pain is where Dixon is from! A sexy nerdy guy next to her at the big display board decides to follow her and ask her what's in Kansas. Silver explains that "you have to go backwards to go forwards." Meaning, since she's been wailing about "not knowing Dixon" she figures a trip to Kansas will solve this. I'll tell you, of all the times my boyfriend has perplexed and vexed me to no end, I've never thought going to Ohio would solve anything. Of course, I've never rented out a theatre in Los Feliz to show a movie of us humping in a restaurant's store room...But I digress.

Anyhow. Silver's psychotic rambling goes on and on and on. Vinegar, baking soda, disconnected moments, tracking moments, holy crap, woman, ease up on the Red Bull. To make things creepier, sexy nerdy guy doesn't buy himself a ticket, but instead just follows Silver after she plunks down some cash to get her a ticket to that mythical place called "Kansas."

Is Adrianna more maternal than she thinks? Navid seems to think so. (Photo by The CW)
Navid and Adrianna calm down little Sam (Kelly and Dylan's spawn) by reading him a story about tractors. Back at West Bev (has no one called Annie to tell her Silver's looking for "the source" and to leave the school?) Naomi and Annie are breaking into Silver's locker, which for some inexplicable reason has the same combo "since the 6th grade" which, considering the locks are built into the lockers, would indicate Silver physically carried her locker with her from middle to high school. Really, writers? Couldn't you just have Naomi say they shared it for a while last year or something? Details, people, details. A childhood photo of Silver and Naomi prompts a wave of nostalgia.As Silver sleeps in one of those leathery chairs at Union Station, sexy nerdy guy comes over and swipes her wallet. Oh for corn's sake!

Meanwhile, Mom is flying off the handle, trying to hack Dixon's computer because she doesn't know who he is anymore. Chill out, Deb! Dixon is a teenager. This is normal. Obviously his callous attitude is his coping mechanism for Silver's wig-out, not the product of the relaxed morals of Los Angeles. Yes, that's right, Debbie Wilson barks up the old "this isn't Kansas anymore" tree and blames everything on how fast we are here in Los Angeles. Sigh. Because, you know, kids don't wig out, take drugs, have sex, or act like strangers to their parents in Kansas.

Before Principal Dad can serve up Mom a dose of the real truth, his phone rings. It's the sexy nerdy guy from Union Station. He's not a thief, he's a good samaritan! He called the last number Silver called on her phone to tell them that this "Erin Silver" is acting erratically and maybe she needs help. That's a pretty nice gesture from a total stranger at a train station.

Now Annie has lost her marbles. Somehow, Naomi's lame nostalgia about when she and Silver and Ethan were 12 has prompted Annie to believe passionately that her relationship with Ethan is something they have to work on. Why? "Because of Naomi," explains Annie. We're back to old stuff from the early episodes. All the things Annie "sacrificed" to be with Ethan will turn out to be worthless...oh, wait, hold on, she's talked herself into her own reality. She's been a jerk, and she and Ethan are broken up. Well, finally.

Annie and Ethan are on. No, off. No, on. No, off. Help! (Photo by The CW)
Silver slept too long, though, and she wakes up just in time to miss her train. Somehow, even though they were nowhere to be seen ten seconds before, Dixon and the Wilsons are all on the track from where her train just left. Smooth move, Wilsons! You are stealth! Although, while Silver is still standing (yes, standing) on the tracks, Dixon is still cold. "You're such a drama queen!" he says. Well, yes, she is. But she's also pretty close to nutso, and this is a loud ass cry for help. And then...uh oh, a train's a-comin'! "Silver, get off the tracks!" Nope, she runs, and a train flies past. (Seriously, we know she's not about to get hit by one.) She's hiding behind something. Dixon comes forward with like the perfect speech. He understands her, blah blah blah. His own mom was "up and down" too. Oh, hey, what's up--Silver's bipolar, right? That is probably it. Okay, well, get the girl some therapy and some drugs.

Someone finally tells Ethan, Annie, and Naomi to leave the school. Sheesh.

Things are mellowing out in 90210... Sam is zonked out on Adrianna's lap, Kelly is checking Silver into the psych ward, Naomi and Annie are gossiping, and Semi-Hot and Kelly make up. The next morning, the Wilson parents reflect on last night, and determine that, as it so happens, Los Angeles is a better place to raise their kids than Kansas. "Beverly Hills has options," says Mom. So they're going to stay! (Duh.) Annie and Dixon rehash, too. "What a night!" Three cheers for gluten-free bread!

Next week...HOLY CRAP, Donna Martin!!! That's right, kids...Tori Spelling shows up on 90210.

90210 airs Tuesdays at 9 (new time!) on the CW

Get caught up: Episodes 1 & 2; Episode 3; Episode 4; Episode 5; Episode 6; Episode 7; Episode 8; Episode 9; Episode 10; Episode 11; Episode 12; Episode 13; Episode 14; Episode 15; Episode 16; Episode 17; or go retro.

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