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Say No To Crack

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Last night's game was an exciting evening filled with cracked bats and ass cracks. Where to start, where to start? There's just so much to look at. Okay, we'll go in alphabetical order.

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She must be a Cardinals fan because she's showing all of us her Pujol.

I went to the game with pretty high expectations, given that Furcal is en fuego and poor Wells has an ERA of over 6, I figured it had to be a great one. Little did I know that I was entering a veritable crack house.

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Buy me some peanuts and crack and crack. I don't care if I never get back.

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Andy La Roche cracks a bat.

Grady, if you're reading: La Roche (he likes his name with a space, I hear) needs to be our everyday 3rd baseman. He was going balls out on the defensive plays, and is hitting like he's played in the big leagues for more than say, 5 minutes. And Wilson Betemit has proven that he's found his niche as a pinch hitter and has hit 3 pinch hit home runs in the past 10 days. As unhappy as this may make our dear Wilson, this is a team effort and it would appear this is best for the team so cut it with the whining. So as I see it, La Roche gets to be the starting 3rd baseman and make good defensive plays and show consistency at the plate, and Betemit can come in when needed and hit the go-ahead home run like he did tonight. It's perfect! Everyone wins!

Um, except for those of us sitting behind this guy:

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Another Pujols fan, I guess

Either Cracky the Clown right here has a sensory deficit on his butt resulting in an inability to feel 58 degree windy air go whistling through his cheeks or he meant to do this. His crack was visible throughout most of the game. While sitting, while standing, while climbing over seats to get more beer. He was also wearing his sunglasses (at night, thanks Corey Hart) throughout the entire game, which was rather ironic since it was those of us behind him who needed our eyes shaded. It became a bit of a game, who could spot the asscrack and then could I get a photo of it. The 3 guys in front of me were trying to throw their sunflower seed shells into that deep crevice of darkness. No one succeeded.

Then we move on to Andre Ethier's cracked bat.

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That thing came off like a dress on prom night

The bat broke off at the handle like someone had sawed it off beforehand and then stuck it together with scotch tape and said "Here you go Andre. Good as new." Well you're fired, whoever you are, because that thing nearly took the heads off of a few Cardinals and ruined what may have been a base hit. Plus, broken bats are a waste of resources. Think of the trees.

I'm pretty sure I addressed the perils of low rise jeans a few weeks ago in the sausage mc muffin article. Hopefully that built a solid foundation for low-rise hatred because now we're moving onto a more dynamic module, what happens when low rise jeans do the wave. Well, let me (show) tell you.

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Really, enough is enough

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Ladies and gentlemen, this is not acceptable. Would you like us to chip in to help you purchase a belt? Do you need to miss a game to go shopping for a different pair of pants? Do you think maybe next time you can sit over in the right field bleachers where people are too busy stuffing their faces with Dodger Dogs to notice your crack rising and falling with the tides of the wave (only $25 for the next home series, think about it)? While initially it is funny and unites all of those sitting behind you as we choke on our Dodger Dogs in a fit of stifled laughter and vigorous finger-pointing, it becomes as distracting as a beach ball in the stands ( do NOT get me started). People stop watching the game and instead focus on their next hit of crack. Everyone is hoping for the wave to come around so the crack will pop up at fixed intervals. Games are invented such as "who can hit the crack with a peanut" or "who can punch out enough all star ballot chads to fill the crack" (it takes about 75 ballots, I speak from experience, photos later), and all of these diversions are drawing attention away from my boys in blue who are out there on the field trying to win the game. Please. If you must indulge in your crack, can you do it somewhere else? For the love of Vin Scully, there are children present at these games!

The Dodgers took the series 2-1 over the reigning world champion Cardinals. Furcal went 15 for 20 in the last 4 games. Saito got his 13th consecutive save. So I suppose in the (rear) end, does it really matter, as long as the Dodgers win?

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Saito with another awesome save. Dodgers win it 5-4.

All photos taken by me, Malingering (Yes, from the reserve level. Special thanks to my friend for his concern about my nosebleed.)