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For ages humankind has struggled to cope with the maddeningly flawed design of the fragile and all-too-easily bruised banana, the hemophiliac of fruits. Now, at long last, Colbert Report host Stephen Colbert has found the cure for America's banana blues, with the revolutionary new product BananaBunker. Colbert may not have invented it, but last night he introduced this "all-in-one" banana "protection system" to his vast army in this life-changing segment:
The Colbert Report
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After sharing a soothing instructional video showing users how to use the BananaBunker (slogan: "Pamper your banana with the BananaBunker"), Colbert wholeheartedly endorsed the product, saying, "I can assure you one thing: It costs $16... Yeah, it's pricey, but it'll spare you the time and humiliation of cutting off the bruised part, or buying another banana for 25 cents. Which means the Banana Bunker pays for itself in only 64 bananas!"
Be sure to stay tuned for the BananaBunker video demonstrating how it protects your precious banana even when it's dropped from a third story fire escape. "Perfect for all those times I am out on a fire escape with a banana that I am not eating," says Colbert, "and I reach for my phone or my electric razor, and my banana falls to the ground. Now I am out on some fire escape without a banana, like some asshole." Don't be that asshole! Herd your beloved bananas into their bunkers today—they come in a variety of festive colors!