why I hate white pants

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Since it appears that some of my prior posts have infuriated readers enough to call me something along the lines of "a poison to society," I have come to realize that I must be extremely influential and powerful in my role of (as one person called me), "Queen of the Retards." Otherwise, people wouldn't be so upset, would they? They would shake their heads and say "moron" and click on one of the other, oh, one billion blogs out there on the web. All this time I thought I was just writing a silly bit on my perspective of LA, when in fact it is the Ten Commandments of Los Angeles living. To sum it up, I am Master of the World.

Well yay for me. Since I was a young child I wanted to be Ruler of the Universe, and now that I have apparently obtained this role by writing about muffin tops and Ugg boots I fully intend to exploit my power. I hereby announce Malingering's Ban on White Pants.

This is my problem with white pants. I can always see something I don't want to see. Oh, I know what's coming next "Malingering hates fat people so she doesn't like white pants because fat people wear them," or whatever inane logic was used by those angry readers last week. Get the hell over yourself, your narrow minded fools. Look at the woman above. She isn't fat. She doesn't have cellulite. There is no muffin top. But she's wearing leopard printed panties under white linen.

What sort of message are you sending here, lady? "Come down here and look at my pussy cat, it's a wild animal?" Or could it be, "I don't own a full length mirror and I look just fine from the waist up?" Either one, you annoy me. I don't want to see your spotted kitty. This should be reserved for your husband or girlfriend or the people who pay for your tacky internet web cam site. Oh, go ahead, call me a prude and a conservative and a "sexless cat lady who never gets any" (thank you, blog reader) just because I think this is trashy.

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Then there is the other problem with white pants: They show everything. I am not saying that this woman should be ashamed of herself because we can see every little tiny ripple on her butt, but I am willing to bet $50 that she did not intend to do so (unlike the woman in the top photo). This makes me feel guilty, because I feel like I saw something that I wasn't supposed to see. And when I have the irresistible compulsion to photograph it, I feel even worse. Look how horrible I'm feeling now. I just posted this on the internet.

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This is a fashion tip my mother taught me when I turned 12. Wearing white underneath white is not a good idea. Intuitively, one would think they would cancel each other out or merge together in invisible whiteness but this is not the case at all. In fact, white panties are much more visible under white pants than something like nude or black panties. This was confirmed by Oprah several years later. And if Oprah says it, there is no room for questions. It becomes law. Well, at least until I became Master of the Universe, now I have veto power.

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This woman may have been home that fateful day when Oprah uttered her words of panty wisdom, but she forgot one thing: Black granny panties beneath skin tight white leggings are going to leave horrible pantylines. White leggings are a no-win situation. Wear a thong, and everyone's going to see your ass zits and every other topographical detail on your butt. Wear full coverage panties, and everyone's going to see those. Now if this woman looked at herself from behind with a 3-way mirror or backwards vision or something, do you think she would be happy about this? My guess is no. And that's just my guess, but since I am almighty, it is the correct answer.

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What it comes down to is this: White pants should be banned from the market. They do more harm than good. They are thin, transparent, and get dirty within 2 minutes. They expose undergarments and anatomic details which should probably be left at home. They have yet to flatter anyone other than someone who could put on a brown paper bag and make it look flattering, and usually those people are made of plastic and 6 feet tall and go on shows like America's Next Top Model and get into pissy cat fights about who is hogging the mirror and who didn't wash the dishes after eating a breakfast of 3 Cheerios. Because it is obvious that people are not able to use white pants responsibly, they should be eliminated from the fashion world and allowed only for baseball home games and the Marines. This would make me a happier and more content human being. And since I am omnipotent, you all have to listen.

All photos taken by Malingering, who loves to hate people who hate to love sarcasm.