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Today's Imaginary Celebrity Sightings

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Just because a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it doesn't mean it doesn't make a sound. Right? And here at LAist, we believe the same goes for Celebrity sightings.

Just because you didn't see a Celebrity doing something, doesn't mean that they weren't doing such a thing in the first place. And so, in an effort to keep Los Angeles up to date on the things celebrities are doing without your prying eyes gazing upon them -- we give you our first annual Imaginary Celebrity Sightings: July Edition.

This last weekend in Malibu, no one at all saw Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson fighting about the fact that Jessica often subconsciously pushes Nick out of the "circle of conversation" at parties -- causing Nick to fight his way back in to an opening... It's been rumored (but not confirmed or seen) that Jessica said something like, "Nick baby, sometimes I just forget that you're there.." which caused Nick to fly off the handle and throw her designer bag of the day on the ground...

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Not one single clerk at the Beverly Hills' Banana Republic store caught wind of Jake Gyllenhaal having trouble spelling his own name. The Kirsten Dunst conquest stood at the counter, attempting to fill out a Banana Republic Credit Application so he could get his 10% off on a pair of socks, and repeatedly messed up his name on the application -- forgetting, as most of us do, that there's two A's, and not one. Oh, poor Jakey.

While it hasn't quite been reported yet, it seems that Courtney Love is spending a lot of time standing on the scale in her bathroom...crying. All day long. Not that anyone's got a picture of it or anything, but she's doing it. Really she is.

Of course, people definitely weren't privy to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' little "discussion" in a private room at the Church of Scientology in Hollywood on Monday evening. It seems that Tom requested (and urged) that Katie start wearing a Church of Scientology "I'm Clear" Baby-T out in public, to which Katie refused. Fortunately for Cruise, a throng of psychiatry-hating elders were quick to strap Katie into the machine they used in The Dark Crystal to subdue those damn Gelflings, and brainwash her back to Cruise-land.

It's been reported that somewhere, right now, Johnny Knoxville is picking up the slack where people like Rob Lowe and Fred Durst have left off -- filming his latest conquest on his closed-circuit video system, labeling the tape, sticking it in an unlocked cabinet, and not giving it a second thought even though the cleaning lady is coming later today. Oops!

While we don't have any real evidence, it seems as though Jessica Alba was not-seen Googling herself on an Internet kiosk at the Los Angeles Airport yesterday evening. She was definitely, probably not visiting all the sites that reference her and leaving pithy comments under faux names with phrases like, "You are so wrong, I luuuuuvvvvv Jess!" and "She is soooooo hot, where can I contact her!?".

And finally, LAist has sort-of gotten wind of a situation that went down today at Chipolte on Beverly Drive where Fat Actress' Kirstie Alley, who had ordered eight 1 lb. burritos To Go -- pulled up to the restaurant, saw how many people were there at 11:30 on a weekday, and decided it probably wasn't the best idea to get out of the car.

These are the things that probably are happening somewhere in Los Angeles, my friends, and LAist is proud to give you the up to the minute imaginary celebrity sightings for your responsible and subtle perusal.