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Steve Jobs Quickly Throws Together a $100 Gift Certificate for iPhone Customers

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Loyal Apple customers flipped their shit yesterday at the news that the iPhone was dropping $200 in price a mere two months after its debut. Early adopters felt betrayed by the fact that they threw down a large amount of money to be part of the exclusive early adopter crowd, only to be undercut by a massive price cut -- and worse -- a thrifty version in the form of the iPod "Touch".

Steve Jobs responded today on the News section of the Apple website with an open letter to customers, stating that he is throwing together $100 in Apple store credit for those early adopters who shelled out $600 for the buggy generation iPhone. HA. Jobs further backhands complainers by saying:

"This is life in the technology lane. If you always wait for the next price cut or to buy the new improved model, you'll never buy any technology product because there is always something better and less expensive on the horizon."
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Thanks Steve, we're not fucking idiots. Thank you for educating us on what a "product cycle" is -- we just didn't know that you decided to cut down your product cycle from a year to a measly two months. Apple is a business; businesses need to make money -- we get it. But us customers like to live in a fuzzy make-believe world where Apple actually gives a shit about its loyal customers. It's obvious that you have shareholders (what else explains your overenthusiastic keynote sploogefests?) but does it need to be so obvious that you're ramming it down our throats?! It feels like we're all victims of a Cupertino drive-by.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to make you understand, Steve. I think I've got it. Let's say your best friend Steve J. (or least you think he's your best friend) offers to sell you his stereo for $200. You buy it, but find out the next day that he sells the exact same model stereo to that asshole Danny Vogul from Accounting for $50. Then you go, "Hey Steve, I thought we were friends, I've always been loyal to you and then you go sell the same stereo for $150 less to that piece of shit Danny Vogul. WTF?!"

Then Steve goes "Sorry pal, that's life in the fast lane. Business is business. I came to you first cuz I know how loyal you are to me, and that you'd bend over at a higher price."

Then I go, "Fuck you Steve. You betrayed our friendship. Go fuck yourself with your single-button mouse. That thing was never practical anyway. I was just being nice."

Then Steve tries to get me to crawl back into bed with him by offering me $20 towards anything else from the back of his truck. And I'm so stupid I take the $20 and go back to being friends with him.

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AP Photo.