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Making the early-adopters feel inconsequential

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As if I don't feel badly enough for shelling out nearly $600 for my iPhone. Today Apple unveils a bevy of product updates.

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The iPhone's touch screen, internet browsing glory was jacked for the brand new "iPod touch", a Wi-Fi ready iPod with a 8GB or 16GB capacity. This is essentially the iPhone without the phone capabilities and much more thinner. Great. So, what you're telling me is that I'm not going to be one of the few to tout multi-touch screen abilities? The icing on the cake is the Wi-Fi iTunes Store, enabling you to purchase and download new tunes directly through your phone. The 8GB model costs $299 and the 16GB model costs $399.

The original iPod design now comes in 80GB and 160GB sizes with the moniker "iPod Classic". Sleeker than ever before, the new models are .41 inches or .53 inches thick and they have 30 hours of music playback, 5 hours of video or 40 hours of music playback, 7 hours of video.

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The "iPod nano" is redesigned and much more lavish with a 2 inch color screen. The model sizes are 4GB and 8GB with 24 hours of music playback, 5 hours of video.

The stimulating cover flow, initially an iPhone only, is now available on all iPod models except the shuffle.

Oh and if you went out on that exorbitant limb and bought the iPhone when it came out, then you're going to feel like a real idiot now. The 4GB model has been discontinued, making the 8GB model the standard, and the price has been significantly lowered from $599 to $399. That means the 8GB "iPod touch" is a mere $100 cheaper than the iPhone. I'm sure that makes the iPhone much more accessible to the masses, but damn I feel like the town idiot for not waiting a mere two months.

The most exciting addition to the iPhone is the new version of iTunes, which facilitates ringer purchases. Just add $.99 on top of the cost of a song and you can purchase any song from the iTunes store, select any 30 second clip you see fit, and make it your new ringer.

The most sickening addition to the iPhone is the Starbucks' functionality. Ever walk into a Starbucks and wonder what's playing? No. Well, now you can find out what song is playing with the touch of a button and buy it while you're waiting for your mochafrappawhatever. I've never seen such flagrant cross promotion. What a gross pairing.

What has the world come to? This is what Apple does to their early-adopter customer base. Screws them by lowering prices, introducing better products, and consequently overshadowing all of our best efforts to be the coolest dudes on the block.