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LAist Rants: Tom is Not My Friend (Anymore)

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LAist Rants are strictly the opinions of the author in question. They are even in first person! We keep them on Sundays because even the hive mind needs a rest.

After threatening for about three months to do so, I've finally committed myspace-icide.

I've never liked myspace. I get it, sure. It is an easy way to keep in touch with lots of people. The way bands and musicians use the service is stellar and it is a great way to feel good about yourself. If you've got 100 friends (or a thousand or a million), you can't be half bad, right? And, besides, everybody and their mother is on it.

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But that's part of the problem. Myspace will cross the 75 million profile mark sometime this week which, by definition, means it can't be "cool" anymore. My mother asked me about the site last week. She was already on it, not registered (yet) but searching for mine and my sister's profiles. My sister was the smart one. She unceremoniously dumped her account right after the new year, leaving the cramped hallways of "the place for friends" and setting up camp in Facebook.

Meanwhile, my dad is thinking about setting up a profile of his own.

Yeah, no. True, my parents are hipper than most but I just can't see having moms and pops on my friends list next to the random bands whose pages I never visit, the profiles of high school acquaintances who i consistently ignore and the myspace girls who I don't know but whose boobtastic profile pics compelled me to add them. Not to mention all the profiles with bad music, geocities style bad design and the "peanut butter jelly time" video on auto-start and repeat featured prominently on their page. That's just not going to work out for me.

To me, the vast majority of people get at least 10% dumber when they get on myspace. They get obsessed with filling out silly surveys and constantly saying hi to each other and a whole bunch of other stuff that I'm already getting tired just thinking about. Maybe it's my old age of 31 but I just can't take it anymore.

So, this morning I said goodbye.

I'm not saying you have to quit myspace as well but my guess is that there are a lot of people that are only on myspace because it is the thing to do. So, you too, can leave all that nonsense behind. Here's how:

  1. Subscribe to the blogs of your real friends, the ones who maintain myspace blogs, in your rss reader. (I had exactly one)
  2. Bookmark any bands whose every movement you actually care about in your browser. (Yeah, I didn't have any of those either)
  3. Go to Account Settings.
  4. Click on "Cancel Account."
  5. Explain why you're cancelling your account (i.e. "I'm uncluttering my internet life" or "I'm too old for this shit.").
  6. Wait for the cancel confirmation email to come.
  7. Confirm cancellation.
  8. Buy the appropriate busted tee.
  9. Bask in the knowledge that within 48 hours, you'll be erased from that space.

I wonder if my social networking demise will end up on mydeathspace?

If a profile dissapears from the virtual woods does it make a sound?