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Happy birthday, David Sedaris

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If you're reading this, it means you survived the various horrors of Christmas. No, we don't mean drunk Aunt Cindy's hair catching on fire at the dinner table. We're talking about the horrors of Santa's helpers... the ones our loving American parents don't tell us about.

Knecht Ruprecht, who stuffs bad children in his sack and throws them into a river. The cloven-hoofed Krampus, known for raping young ladies (or even your mom) with his foot-long tongue. Child-killer Pere Fouettard. The door-sniffing, window-peeping, spoon-licking Jolasveinar gang (via metafilter). And, perhaps most terrifying to American parents because he can be found at Macy's (don't tell the kids!), Crumpet the Christmas elf.

Crumpet's known for his uncanny impersonation of Billie Holiday, frank talk to children about their weight, pranks involving false sightings of Cher and Mike Tyson in the gift-wrapping section, and locker room run-ins with that elfin cocktease Snowball.

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Now that we know Crumpet's (a/k/a David Sedaris') birthday is one day after Christmas, it's a little more clear to us why he has such a poor attitude toward the holiday. Happy birthday, Crumpet, and here's hoping Dinah the Christmas Whore left you a proboscis monkey under the tree.

Photo by kevmann16 via Flickr