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Dunkin' Donuts, Take Me Higher

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It’s a beautiful, wonderful day!

Why, you ask? Have they pulled the troops from Iraq? Is America’s Next Top Model going to be syndicated twice a night, every night? Has the retail industry decided that Christmas should just be about spending time with family and loved ones, and yanked their holiday marketing bonanzas?

No…it’s even better. For those of you who missed it this morning…Dunkin’ Donuts coffee will now be available for purchase in stores nationwide!

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To celebrate this victory for America, Dunkin’ Donuts is holding a Shopping Cart Derby at the Santa Monica Pier tomorrow, in which teams will race through an obstacle course for the chance to win up to a two-year supply of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. Here are the deets once again:

Dunkin’ Donuts Shopping Cart Derby
370 Santa Monica Pier
Santa Monica, CA
Saturday, December 8, 2007
9am: Team Check-In
10am: Qualifying Heats Begin
12pm: Final Race and Awards Ceremony

But just settle down, everyone. Because while the coffee may be available for purchase in grocery stores, Dunkin’ Donuts still chooses to torture us West Coasters by not opening an actual store. So, following is my open letter to Dunkin’ Donuts, begging them to right this wrong and not just flaunt their fancy Derby Races in our faces, but to put out or get out and open an actual franchise. Sign on if you feel so inclined:

Dear Donuts Deciders,

I had just returned from a visit to my hometown of Boston when I heard about your big plans to sell your coffee in grocery stores nationwide.

Memories of my visit, not even days old, came rushing back to me. And at the forefront of those memories sat a styrofoam cup, steam spilling out of its tiny little mouth hole, the smell of freshly brewed hazelnut Dunkin’ Donuts coffee seeping out of its environmentally-unfriendly pores.

Yes, your news brought it all flooding back. And while this grocery store development brings me some joy, I’m writing to ask you to take it one step further and stop your teasing… please, just give us a Dunkin’ Donuts franchise to call our own.

Let me get more than a bag of ground coffee from boring, characterless Ralph’s. Let me experience the orange and pink! Let me get iced when it’s hot outside, steamy when it’s cold outside, and donuts all the time. In return, I promise that I will single-handedly keep at least one location in business. As a matter of fact, I promise to never have a donut from another vendor again. You own my donut and coffee soul.

And I’m pretty sure I speak not just for myself, but for the hundreds of thousands of East Coast transplants who were also successfully brainwashed by a man made famous by his 3 a.m. wake-up calls—a man that you burned into the collective public subconscious of the 80’s. Yes—I’m talking about Fred the Baker. Remember him? Well, so do I.

So now, it’s time to make good on your promise to all of Fred’s disciples. It is, in fact, “time to make the donuts.” Look into my cabinet (see photo of actual cabinet, above). Now, look into your hearts and see if you can muster the will to take it to the next level and open a franchise. And while you’re at it, fly someone out to ask us, “What flavah?”

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Photo by Jessica for LAist

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