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Dear Sabrina's Vagina...

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Not so helpful advice from the giver of life.

Dear Sabrina's Vagina,

I suppose this question is directed to you because I have no one else to turn to. I like to think that I am a physically fit, twenty-six-year-old male. I should be the sort of guy that every woman wants. I am successful, intelligent and outgoing. I have good taste in art, music and movies. Even though I am apart of (and work for) massive corporations I see in myself the ability to make change and take them down, folding from the inside out. "See in yourself the change you want to be," is what I have been told. I have made those changes and I am the man I want to be. I am a great man looking for a great lady, but why is it that I am completely unsuccessful at finding her?

Most recently I have developed a great affinity for my ravenously cute girl-next-door friend "E." Still, she ignores my calls and requests to hangout. At first I figured it was just because she was playing coy, but now I am not so sure. Last night I wrote her an e-mail expressing my complete and total disdain for the way I am being treated (poorly) but I have yet to receive a response. Sabrina's vagina, what should I do? What is the best course of action for me to take in order to get what I want? Help me figure out what I am doing wrong.


Johnny Angel

Dear Johnny Angel,

What the fuck, are you stuck in 1954? Ditch the stupid song reference name. Your name is Johnny, maybe. I highly doubt you're an angel. You're probably a total fucking schmuck.

Now, let me get this straight—you want to know why the opposite sex avoids you at all costs? This is a pretty simple question. Probably Johnny, THEY FIND YOU FUCKING REPULSIVE OR ANNOYING. Now, I could be wrong, but based on the fact that I am a vagina and everyone knows vaginas are all knowing, I am totally correct.

I can't exactly pin-point your exact problem, but I'll bet my mathematical abilities (multiplication) and deductive reasoning on my orgasming that your predicament has something to do with the fact that you sound like a fucking deluded know-it-all.

Let's start at the beginning. I AM A VAGINA. In case you missed this fact the first time I brought it up, or you know, when you wrote the introduction to your own letter I figured I would clear it up. As a vagina I know certain things and these things can simplify your life greatly. A man's personality, physical appearance, & bank account do not get me off, and let's face it--I live to quiver and shiver. This is of paramount to my survival. This is the point of my life.

Basically Johnny, it's all about anything you can do in your power to please me.
With this said, the one thing I can tell about yourself, according to the first paragraph of your letter, is that you're desperately trying to appear adequate by aiming for superior and above average. Johnny, face it, you're a loser. Now, I'm going on a hunch here, but I bet you're also obsessed with the car you drive, obscure computer games where you can flex your intellectual muscle with other nerds online and women who are indefinitely out of your league.

The thing is Johnny, I can't help you. I can, on the other hand, tell you the basic problem. YOUR DICK IS SMALL. Maybe it's inverted and easily mistaken for a button. Tiny. Round. Please press here. You know, that sort of button. I know I can't be precise regarding the exact problem you're having with your genetalia, but I know that it's severe and you might be easily confused with a Eunuch.

I'm not sure what you expected regarding "ADVICE" from a vagina, but there you have it. I mean, I have a limited scope. I'm inverted after all. Still, you need to remind yourself that you're a man. You need to give up on this stupid, slut friend of yours, change your attitude & stop trying so hard. Eventually, some girl will not care that you're severely annoying, but that girl won't be the lady attached to me--I can assure you of that.


Sabrina's Vagina
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