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Dear Sabrina's Vagina

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Dear Sabrina’s Vagina,

I just read your column. You seem to think you’re “all knowing”. Well, if that’s a fact please explain to myself and the rest of your readers what the true spirit of Christmas is. I figure in the very least this should be good cause even if you’re rude to me it will exemplify the sort of ignorant moron you actually are.

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

Are you always so pleasant? It’s nice that you’re only wasting my time in order to prove some mundane point that has nothing to do with the fact that I harvest awesome CHI within my cavernous soul and everything to do with the fact that you’re a complete and utter loser.

I bet you thought I would say something horrible and bitchy. That I would take out some sort of repressed angst on you instead of actually explaining the good behind the idea of the sprit of Christmas. Perhaps, you thought I’d say something like, EVERY STEPHANIE I HAVE EVER KNOWN WAS A SLUT. YOUR REAL PROBLEM ISN'T MY INCREDIBLY BIZAARE "ADVICE", BUT THAT YOU HAVE THE AIDS AND WON’T EVEN GET TESTED. KILL YOURSELF WHORE. KILL YOURSELF.

Then again, maybe you thought I would take it in another direction and say something like, HEY DOUCHEBAG, IF YOU STOPPED LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING CAMEL THEN MAYBE YOU COULD DEAL WITH YOUR OWN PERSONAL LIFE.

There is even the slight chance that you assumed I'd say something too the effect of OH, THIS IS REALLY RICH. YOU START OUT YOUR MESSAGE ALL NICE AND PASSIVE AND THEN YOU END IT WITH SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING FLIPPANT. I BET YOUR DAD RAPED YOU.

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Well Stephane, you're wrong. Even though I am a vagina I know a lot about the spirit of Christmas and that has nothing to do with spirit or even Christmas.

The spirit of Christmas is where you give hours of pleasure to your loved one(s) doing whatever it is that will bring them insurmountable joy. Things like falling off a ladder, having sex with a member of the geriatric community or washing their feet are all possibilities. Stephanie, the spirit of Christmas is bigger than a vagina (let's hope it's bigger than most vaginas because no one wants the Dark Wing Duck of Pussies).

The spirit of Christmas is sending nice letters to anonymous vaginas just to say thanks for putting up with stupid letters day after day. "You're a super vagina!" It's not sending rotten flippant messages because you're bored and sick of having to throw out your panties in random restroom trash cans because your cunt is toxic.

So Stephanie, I hope you really paid attention and learned a lot from your friendly neighborhood vagina this holiday season. May god bless your herpes, every one!

Love,

Sabrina's Vagina
XOXO