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I really want to know Victoria's Secret

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Namely, how did Victoria manage to brainwash 80% of the adolescents in LA into thinking that this is cool?


The Pink line came out in 2004 and was geared toward college co-eds who like to flounce around the dorms in their pajamas. This would explain this idiotic "PHI BETA PINK" and "Pink University" crap. When I see this, my head nearly explodes with a deluge of unanswered questions. For example: Who buys this stuff? Some college co-eds who didn't make Phi Beta Kappa but figured they could fool their friends by wearing this stuff? And why is it that only one of the items that says PINK is actually pink? Is it a society for the colorblind? A society for the reinstatement of the correct use of the word “irony”? Where exactly is Pink University? Are they accredited? Are their most popular majors reproduction and moronic consumer marketing? What does P.I.N.K. stand for? Pathetically Insecure and Neglecting Knowledge? Pussy Inside Needs Kisses?

The thing is, for the (real) college student, my guess is that she would be much more inclined to wear the name of her actual school across her ass, not some made up marketing tool school that had a significantly less stringent admission process and doesn't require SAT scores. This may explain why since 2004 the demographic seems to have changed and is now a big hit with the high school/middle school crowd. One can regularly spot 9th graders at the Grove crowding around the panty tables Victoria's Secret holding up thongs and trying to decide which 5 to get for $25. In the end, it was genius. They've now dragged a whole new unsuspecting group (the 14-19 age range) in through the doors pretending to be cutesy with their PINK sweatshirts and sucked the high school bunch into a store that is bursting at the seams with sex. After all, it's not a coincidence that PINK was their color of choice. We used to sign off our emails in college KOAYPP (kisses on all your pink parts), and now there is the goddamn Pink Taco as if we didn't need it spelled out for us.

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Several people have called me a "prude" and a "conservative" for being irritated by this (I prefer "socially conscious"), but when I was 15 I got white cotton panties in a pack of 6 from Target and that was the end of it. This was not an issue to be questioned. Maybe it’s because I don’t care much about my own appearance (especially my appearance under my clothes) but I always thought if you were going to spend the extra money to buy satiny panties or thongs, someone else besides myself better be there to appreciate them (not my mother). Otherwise, there were much cooler things to buy with the limited money I had, like CDs or concert tickets or a new backpack for school with lots of pockets for highlighters. So when I see these girls shopping and the ONLY thing in their hands are Victoria’s Secret bags, I start to feel very old and confused. Is this their primary shopping spot because they are showing their panties off to their high school classmates? Does Girls Gone Wild film in high school locker rooms now? Why are they walking proudly with their pink stripped bags in front of their voice-crackling zitty male classmates rather than feigning embarrassment at boys seeing their panties (that's what we used to do!)? Or are bras and panties really in the forefront of the minds of 14 and 15 year old girls these days? (If it's true, can someone come please tie my tubes?)

Kids should not be shopping at Victoria's Secret. Period. They should not be wearing sunkissed on their asses, or all hands on deck across their pubescent boobies. And Victoria's Secret should not have a MySpace sucking the tweens in right and left.


Sometimes I can understand fads, like Rubik's Cube or that singing Billy Bass fish that is still in our copy room at work. This particular trend goes way over (or under) my head. That is not pink. That is yellow and green. There is no pink present. Is this supposed to be the clothing version of the Stroop Color-Word Test? How does a trend like this catch on if it makes absolutely no sense? I try to imagine what sort of thought process when someone goes to purchase these items: Oh, how cute! It says PINK but it's yellow! I bet that's some sort of joke I don't get. But if I wear this, people will think I understand it and I have a real sense of humor. Like those people who laugh at Monty Python. I really don't get Monty Python, I mean what is it about... oooh look, Phi Beta Pink. And it's blue! That must be some sort of club that I need to be in. Like delta delta delta. Shit, I wish I'd gone to college, then I could be in one of those Greek or Roman houses or whatever they are.


I understand that one may "love pink." I know this woman does. Lady, if you love pink soooo much that your asscheeks are blurting it out to the world all day, why aren't you wearing it? That's like driving around in a motorcycle with a bumper sticker that says I HEART SUVs. Or walking your dog around while wearing a "I love my cat" shirt on. Her buttcheeks may say they love pink, but actions speak louder than words, Mr. Ass. Do you not remember the Cover Girls, 1988?


So there is so much pink that there is too little time for... what? Going to high school? Being creative? Resisting the pressure of buying into an overpriced fad?

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Definitely enough time for posting on the PINK blog, however. Sigh.


What does it mean to live for pink? If someone painted her bike blue, would she die? Would she kill herself trying to paint it back? Would she throw herself in between the bike and the paint can, just to take one for the pink? I'm hoping she has she simply reached self-actualization and has solved her existential crisis by deciding to live for something abstract. Pink.


I'm starting to wonder if maybe someone at Victoria's Secret was playing Mad Libs one day and decided to print some of the phrases on the back of sweatpants, just to see who would buy them.

Sweatpants are not royal. In fact after listening to all of the angry fashionistas who hate my blog, the one thing that everyone agrees upon is that sweatpants stay in the home. They should be on house arrest. There should be little ankle monitors attached to them so they cannot be worn outside of a 50 foot radius from the front door.


Why don't they just put the Declaration of Independence on there and substitute every noun with the word PINK? At least that would be funny.


Does it concern anyone that we may have an entire generation of children who believe yellow is pink? Sesame Street has its work cut out for Elmo and friends.


Props to the Victoria’s Secret marketing team, who successfully convinced millions of women that having color-incongruent script on their bums will somehow make them look like Tyra Banks. Beware: the Pink marketing scheme may actually be a larger conspiracy involving brainwashing and reprogramming. Those underpants may contain tracking devices and voice/thought transmitters. There could be an entire army of Victoria's Secret controlled minions taking over the world in the next year. I would be very careful about what you put on your ass.


All photos by Malingering, who will save the assvertising rant for another day.