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Town of "Free"

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After consulting a variety of mathematicians, statisticians and happy-hour food experts, LAist has determined that out of all the mega-cities in the United States, Los Angeles is the one place where a down-on-their-luck, individual who is lacking "funds" could actually survive the longest without any professional assistance whatsoever.

Why? Because Los Angeles is the town of 'free'.

On any given week, if you know someone or know someone who knows someone -- you could be treated to free movie screenings, movie premieres with after-parties, dinners, buffets, happy-hour with free snacks, t-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, sunglasses, drink cozies, weekends at ultra-private spas, limousine rides, psychotherapy, shoes, facial cleansers, and gift bags containing any or all of the above forementioned items.

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For a brand-new transplant to the City of Angels, one need not stand at a freeway onramp and pan handle for change in order to get that warm sweater or that full belly. One need not stand in the unemployment line or type 90 words per minute for a paltry minimum wage salary. One simply needs to know someone who knows someone who is hosting a free event, screening, birthday party, weekend getaway or Friar's Club roast in order to fill their closets to full capacity.

The reality is that Los Angeles makes more free crap than any other city in the country** and even though L.A. is one of the primary destinations for transplants from all over, there's still not enough people to stock away the sweater-vests, promotional face creams and bobbleheads. Sadly, there is a caste system in our "town of free" as well.

Whereas the lower caste system of free-crap receivers are presented with posters and t-shirts and large Slurpee cups, those with membership in the higher end of the free-crap caste system are handed $20,000+ valued loots. Bags filled with jewel-encrusted cell phones, weekend trips to the Bahamas and flat-panel HDTV plasma screens for their guest bathrooms, it appears as if the town of 'free' still favors the rich and them getting richer.

Not that there's anything wrong with a I Heart Huckabees Slurpee drink cozie. I mean, those things are damn hot!

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**Some facts have not been legitimately confirmed.