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The Lindsay Lohan Guide to LA

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LAist provides plenty of tips, opinions and anecdotes about life in LA designed for the public at large. But what if you're not the public at large? What if you're Lindsay Lohan? Maybe you, Lindsay, read our site and say, "How can you help me, LAist? How can I best enjoy life in this crazy city?" Well, Lindsay, your prayers have been answered. This week, we introduce our new feature, "The Lindsay Lohan Guide to LA." We promise to make it chock-full of facts, tidbits and fun, all directed at just one person in particular, the adorable, breathy-voiced, barely legal (like, yuck, did we just say that?) star of Mean Girls, Freaky Friday and the eagerly-awaited Love Bug update Herbie: Fully Loaded. We're totally super-excited about this new feature, which we really think will have a most appreciable (envy our vocab much?) effect on the quality of life in LA. So please read on and enjoy The Lindsay Lohan Guide to LA... if you're Lindsay Lohan, that is.

Now, Linds... can we call you Linds? Oh, come on, we're devoting a column just to you! We're buds now! Anyway, like we were sayin', Linds, as you know, today is the release day for your new album, "Speak". (We're, like, totally stoked to hear it, BTW.) We couldn’t help noticing track #6 is titled "Something I Never Had". And that made us a little sad. Is there you're looking for, Linds? See, we can totally relate to looking for things. We have this brother who's, like, so hard to shop for. Seriously, he has everything, so we never know what to buy him for Hanukkah -- and we just realized it starts tonight at sundown! Yikes!

Well, not to worry, Linds. We know the perfect place for you to go, and they're sure to have plenty of things you never had! Hot Topic! We just did like 80% of our Hanukkah shopping there, and we got our stupid brother these cool Nightmare Before Christmas boxer shorts (yuck, did we really buy our brother underwear?), and while we were there, we picked up some other rad stuff, too, like a keychain shaped like an old-school Nintendo controller and a wall cling that says "Boys are smelly, throw rocks at them" for our best friend Denise. (It's true, too! They do! LOL) There's a Hot Topic right on City Walk, so on our way out, we also stopped at Popcornopolis and got some churro corn for our dad. (So much for his diet!) There's really no down side to shopping at Hot Topic, except that if you go to the one at the Glendale Galleria, that girl Jalinda from our fourth period Western Civ works there, and she's like so off her meds. But fear not, Linds, there are like 5,000 other Hot Topics in SoCal, so you don't have to worry about running to Jalinda unless she gets transferred to another store, which she won't, because her parents would totally never drive her that far to work.

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We hope that helped you with your dilemma, Linds, and that now, thanks to us and Hot Topic, you have lots of things you never had. That's what we're here for, you know! And maybe now your next album will include a song called "Hot Topic Has Great Gifts For Everyone On Your List, Yo!", or at least one called "Thank You, LAist!" Well, you're welcome, Linds! And we'll be back next week with more tips and tricks for how to be you in LA!

LAist out!