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We here at the A&E Report pride ourselves on delivering a weekly smackdown to LA’s most annoying citizens, the jerks whose arrogance and sense of entitlement make all our lives just a little less bearable. But for one day, we’re putting a hold on our judgment and letting the arrogant and entitled off the hook. Of course, there’s a catch: this offer applies only on October 31st, and only to the arrogant and entitled who are also pint-sized and adorable.
Let's face it: Halloween is all about entitlement. It’s an annual occasion to tell our kids, “Put on a cute little outfit, knock on strangers’ doors, and they have no choice but to hand you a free bounty of glorious junk food. If they refuse, you have society's blessing to toilet paper their yard and smush eggs in their mailbox.” On the face of it, it's horrifying: parents teaching their kids to beg for handouts, assuring them they're entitled to get something for nothing. But Halloween is all about horror. And if it means apple-cheeked tots knocking on our door in Spongebob outfits and chirping, "Twick a tweet!", then we're all for it.
So if you’re lucky enough to have kids trick-or-treat in your neighborhood, please be kind. Don’t be one of those clods who tosses out nickels or drops a single Dum-Dum pop or Hershey’s miniature in each little goblin’s sack. C’mon, bust out the good stuff. And don't pretend you're not home. Pause your Tivo, get off your duff and hand out the Almond Joy, Grandpa.
And whatever you do, don’t be one of those obnoxious “comedians” who tries to get kids to put on a show for him. No, kids don’t have to do a song and dance to earn their candy. That’s not how it works, wise guy. They ring the doorbell, and you give it to them. If you like to watch kids being cute, watch Full House reruns on Nick at Nite, or better yet, have some damn kids of your own and then torture them all you want. It’s unbelievable the things some people will demand before they’ll hand out the treats, like that guy on our block growing up who said, “Hey, if you’re a vampire, prove it, Dracula. Come on and bite me!” Come to think of it, maybe we should report that guy.
And to all you teenagers trying to muscle in on the kids’ loot, give us a break. If you’re wondering if you’re too old to go trick or treating, then you probably are. You want candy? Get a job, punkass. Don’t just slap on the blue makeup and try to squeeze into the Smurf costume one more year looking for a freebie, because we’re not buying it.
Halloween is a great time to be a kid. It's a fun holiday that promotes imagination and helps instill a healthy fascination with the macabre. Does it encourage a bit of arrogance and entitlement? Sure, but we can live with that, as long as those kids are sweet and considerate the other 364 days of the year.
And as long as we get to eat whatever candy's left over at the end of the night.
