Pies, Pies, Pies Yeah
The pie-throwers of America are pissed! Who knows what set them off, but after planting one on Ralph Nader a while back, they've now taken aim at Ann Coulter. During Coulter's speech at the University of Arizona last night, two troublemakers, most likely treasonous America-haters with ties to the Kerry campaign as well as Satan himself, hurled their gooey confections at the popular conservative
hatemonger columnist. She appears to have escaped without injury or mess. LAist isn't sure when pie-throwing became the hip form of political protest, but it's a big step up from all those nasty assassinations, so we won't come down too hard on the offenders. We just wish they had better aim.
In all seriousness, throwing pies at someone you don't like is a childish, petty way to voice your disagreement. We sincerely wish Ms. Coulter a speedy recovery from her trauma, and we would never endorse hurling anything at anyone as any form of protest.
But if we did endorse it, here are the five celebrities we'd most like to see with pie on their face:
Pat Robertson, chronic third commandment breaker. Granted, this week, God apparently told him to take a swipe at Bush, but most likely, that was only because Robertson is pissed that Bush isn't taking better advantage of his consulting services. Logic compels us to ask: If God were going to use a mortal as a mouthpiece for his opinions, wouldn't he choose someone who wasn't such an enormous douchebag? Recommended pie: Banana Cream
Karl Rove, master puppeteer for the vast right-wing conspiracy. Rove has the kind of influence Ann Coulter only dreams about, even if he's uglier and earns less money than she does. A warning to potential pie-throwers. He will destroy you. Recommended pie: Pecan
Donald Trump, reality TV's #1 ego. Imagining Omarosa bust down the boardroom doors and plant one right on the Donald's face makes us feel happy inside. If he doesn't deserve it for the arbitrary firings this season, which appear to be based more on shock value than merit, then he definitely earns a warm baked good to the noggin because, despite all his money and success, he still can't pronounce the word "candidate." Recommended pie: Pumpkin
Vincent Gallo, fellated fauxteur. Watching a pie connect with his cranium would be infinitely more entertaining than any of his films, and if Chloe Sevigny threw it, maybe she could recover some of the dignity she sacrificed when she blew him in The Brown Bunny. Recommended pie: Apple
The Purple Pieman, cartoon supervillain. Now that Strawberry Shortcake is making a comeback, could her evil nemesis be far behind? Come to think of it, maybe that's who's behind this latest wave of renegade pieings. If you spot a tall, gangly, purple-suited chef surrounded by berry birds, do not attempt to apprehend him yourself. But please contact authorities immediately.
Unless, of course, he's headed toward Billy Crystal. He kinda bugs us, too.