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Los Angeles Attacked by Giant Locusts!!!

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Call out the National Guard! Swarms of unidentified insects are on the attack! Well, maybe two. But they're really, really big.

The other night I was sitting here in Burbank typing at the computer when I heard the cat walk across some newspaper. The only problem was that the cat was sitting in front of me. What on earth could be so big that I could hear it moving? Later that same night I heard some frightening winged behemoth thumping around in the lampshade. When I returned with a weapon and sleepy husband in tow, I saw the 4-inch long outline of something that could have been a long beetle. It was hastily dispatched while I stayed locked in the bathroom.

Yesterday as I walked to my car, a lizard jumped across my path and stuck itself to the wall 5 feet high. I moved closer to check it out, and it was no lizard, it was a big-eyed, fanged, winged beast at least 4 inches long. I have never seen a grasshopper or anything that big. It was a mottled tan and brown. After hearing a report of a similar monster in Highland park from ace reporter Ross A Lincoln, it was time to take immediate action! So I picked up my cell phone.