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Living in Sin: Spinsterus Interruptus

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Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,

I’m one of those women who never has a boyfriend. I’m 35 and have had several relationships, but none of them ever rang true to me or lasted very long. Usually we were pretty poorly matched or one of us was much more into it than the other or some other lame, non-workable situation.

I’ve felt ready to find someone for a few years now but just keep falling into the same old bad situations with the wrong guys. I’ve been dating online, getting set-up, looking good, putting myself out there, etc. but it’s been a couple of years now and I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me. Am I doomed for a life of spinsterdom?
- Where is he Already?

Dear Where,
Very often when people say "I want a boyfriend/girlfriend" it's much the same as when little girls say "I want a pony" or a stoned person says "I want a Big Mac." They have this vague, idealistic idea of this excellent thing that will vastly improve their present situations, never make them feel sick to their stomachs or lay a turd in the middle of their birthday parties. Meanwhile your subconscious knows who's going to wind up paying for it and cleaning up after it and that ponys will let anyone with a cute little ass ride them because that's exactly what its pony did.

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This is why it's crucial that you and your subconscious have a little "us" talk. Like it or not, you are your subconscious' bitch, so no matter how great something sounds to you, if deep down you can't handle it or are scared it will bite you or know that it's really bad for you, you are not going to let yourself have it. Or you will but you'll be real fucked up about it.

So how do you reprogram your subconscious? You can meditate, read books that make you say "aha" a lot, go to therapy, get hypnotized, pay attention and learn from your mistakes, pay attention and learn from people in happy relationships, get more therapy and do this exercise:

When you wake up, say the following things out loud:

I trust men.
I want a man in my life, in my face, in my heart.
I love men.
Being with a man would be a positive addition to my life.
I want to open up and deal with my issues.
I want to deal with someone else's issues.
I deserve to be with somebody excellent.
I (insert biggest toe curler here and reverse it).

Repeat these everyday until you can say them without the little voice in your gut screaming "spinster, please!"

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Then make a list of what you want. Be super specific and only use affirmatives. If you want a guy so you don't grow old surrounded by cats, then you will grow old surrounded by cats because that's what you're focusing on. Write down what he is to be, and what your life together is to be, and read it often. And then open wide your tiny mind - things come in unexpected packages and you could miss the cowboy of your dreams just because he pulls up on a skateboard instead of a horse.

I have a friend who used to be a wild workaholic, travelaholic, can'tsitdowncuzmyassisonfire woo hoo type of person. Then one day a spider sat down beside her, bit her and she got a weird infection that traveled to her heart and rendered her horizontal and confused for two years. It completely changed her life and, among many other things, made her take notice of this quiet, gentle, lovely guy who she would have left a footprint on in her other life and who is now her husband.

You have the power to get anything you want. You just have to be mighty real with yourself, really truly want it and push through a couple of lessons before you and your pint of ice cream have someone to join you on the couch.

photo by Sonny I. LaVista for LAist