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Living In Sin: She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

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Every week in Living in Sin,Jen Sincero provides advice to LA's sexually curious. You can see her column in print, too, in the LA Alternative Press. Ask Jen your questions: all are posted anonymously.

Dear Jen,
I'm a lesbian and have been dating this great woman for 6 months. We have a lot in common, are very sexually compatible and talk sometimes twice a day. She occasionally says "I love you" at the close of conversations, yet insists she is not "in love." She also says she's not ready for a relationship, but wants to date me exclusively (for health reasons). She insists she isn't dating any one else, yet I usually initiate our time together. If I'm so important, why wouldn't she ever initiate it?

Here's a doozy....she forgot our 6 month anniversary, and when I drove by her house at 2:30 a.m. and saw her ex-girlfriend's car outside, I barged in and discovered she was sleeping in my woman's bed! She said she hasn't been sexual with her in 4 years, and doesn't plan to be. But she also said she couldn't promise that it wouldn't happen again.

I finally told her I'd continue to date her until someone else comes into my life, and she said, "ok." Really!

My question is this: what is the difference between the terms "dating exclusively," "friends with benefits," and "girlfriends"?
- Which Box Am I In?

Dear Box,
Have you ever wandered around your house, frantically looking for your glasses, only to discover that they're sitting on top of your head? Happens all the time to me, I'm not proud to say. And it's because I have a touch of the Not Paying Attentions. I think I'm focused on finding them, meanwhile I'm really focused on all the distracting fuzz twittering around my brain.

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I'm going to save you some time here, and show you where your glasses are (even though they're sitting on your face):

"I'm not in love with you"
"I'm not ready for a relationship"
"I don't care if you date other people"
"I'm not going to make an effort to spend time with you"
"I'm gonna go ahead and snuggle up with my ex-girlfriend on our anniversary"
"I want you all to myself because I don't want any crotch cooties, not because I want you all to myself. Except when I'm feeling needy and want to talk on the phone twice a day"

Your original letter went on for many more paragraphs (please, people, I do have a life outside this column!) and it was full of many more examples. What difference does it make what the difference is between girlfriends or fuck-buddies or suckers or drama queens? Bottom line is, she's just not that into you. You can continue to date her, but don't hold your breath waiting for her to commit. Rather, stop driving by her house in the middle of the night, stop talking to her twice a day, get yourself a dental damn and start getting it on with someone else.