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Living In Sin: Shagalicious

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Every week in Living in Sin, Jen Sincero provides advice to LA's sexually confounded. Sign up for her newsletter and have it sent to you every week. Ask Jen your questions: all are posted anonymously.

Dear Jen,
Maybe I'm naive, or maybe I've just been married to one woman for so long that I'm out of the loop, but could you please explain to me the mechanics of using a dental dam?

It's difficult enough for me to imagine how one would work during fellatio, and cunnilingus seems to be equally as impossible. Doesn't the damn thing block the tongue? And if not, what good is it?

Pictorial instructions would help best, but I'll settle for words.
- Mechanically Disinclined

Dear Disinclined,
I just found out that Casey Kasem, the top-forty countdown radio goober, did the voice for Shaggy on Scooby Doo. Did you know that? Did everyone but me know that? Where am I when all these important conversations are happening? Anyway, now that I know, it's totally obvious. And totally weird. Casey Kasem is such a goody goody and Shaggy's such a stoner. The fact that for the past twenty? thirty? years, I had no idea that they were one and the same, makes me feel dirty. And cheated. Like accidentally catching your drunk Uncle Bob taking off his Santa Suit. It doesn't mean I won't still check in every once in a while to see what those meddling kids are up to, but it does mean I've lost my Scooby innocence. I know who's behind the Shaggy curtain now, and it certainly isn't anyone who'd be caught dead driving a groovy VW Bus. Very disappointing indeed.

I'm going to go ahead here and compare using a dental dam to my post-Kasem relationship to Shaggy. It's a lot more fun to watch Shaggy when you don't know he's Casey, just like it's a lot more fun to lick pussy without a dental dam. But the point is the whole show, not simply the taste, the skin on skin sensation or the voice-cracking guy with the big adams apple. There's a lot more going on, and you have to focus on the picture as a whole. Remember that latex is silky and can feel great with a tongue behind it. And that Varla and Daphne have great hair.

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To answer your question, yes, the damn thing does block the tongue and that is indeed why it's good. For if the tongue is not blocked, you can lick up some pretty nasty stuff if the person your with is packing STD heat.

For those of you who don't know, dental dams, and other protective barriers, are latex or other plastic-type sheets that you place over her twat, or further down if you're going to do some buttlickin, before pleasuring her, or him, with your mouth. It's kind of like licking a lollipop with the wrapper still on. You don't get any taste, but you feel the texture, and if the lollipop were riddled with nerves like the ladies are down there, it would be a popular move, barrier or no barrier.

I would like to point out, by the way, that you're not nearly as out of the loop as you think - most straight people have never even heard of a damn dental dam, and an alarming amount of sex stores don't even sell them. They're mostly being used by lesbians it seems. The fact that you can't imagine how one would work for fellatio isn't surprising since you would never use one for that (you'd use a condom). And the fact that you didn't know this somewhat returns you to your original place outside the loop, but I invite you back in because you give me hope for straight people everywhere.

As far as how to use them goes, I have no godamned idea. I even teach a class where I'm supposed to demonstrate, but every time I get to that part, I beg my students to help me figure it out. The morons who make dental dams have made them the size of a cocktail napkin - how are you supposed to cover someone's entire lolly holly lo lo with something that size, and keep it from moving around? Where do you hold on? I had one student who somehow strapped it to her face like a bird flu mask, and another who used a garter belt, but I personally can't imagine using any of them, even the biggest ones, without an extra set of hands to help me out. Or some duct tape. This is why I suggest people get out a roll of Saran Wrap and tear off a hefty sized sheet of that. The bigger the better for keeping it on, giving you slack for penetration or even making a pair of attractive protection panties. Just put some lube on her side, and make sure to mark the barrier with a pen in case you drop it and can't figure out which side was which. Because if you put the side that was just on her on your mouth, you could catch something. Ruh roh.

I just used up all my space here, but I don't care because no one else seems to be talking about dental dams. I'm glad you asked, and I hope I solved the Mystery of the Thwarted Tongue.