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Living in Sin: Searching for the big O
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Every week in Living in Sin,Jen Sincero provides advice for LA's sexually curious. e-mail Jen your question, which will be posted anonymously.
Dear Jen: I'm a healthy 21 year old woman and I've never been able to have an orgasm with another person. I've been sexually active since the age of 16, but no matter who I've been with or what position I've been in, I can never get there! It's so frustrating!!! During oral sex is the only time I get close, but it never happens, and it's not like I'm holding back. I've experimented with both men and women (I prefer men), but nothing seems to work other than my trusty vibrator, and I'm getting really tired of having to replace the batteries. WHAT IS WRONG? Is it me, or are the guys not doing something right?
You know when you're all snuggly and sleepy, tucked into your bed like a little hamster, and your lover gets up to take a leak while you lie there, bladder exploding, wishing he could go for you? It's a lot like having an orgasm - you may want someone else to do it for you, or you may roll over and pretend everything's fine, but when it comes down to it, your orgasm is your responsibility. It's your dog to feed. Yes, other people can assist, but you're still responsible for showing up, and sometimes for bossing them around.
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photo by rubynila via Flickr
I heard Betty Dodson, Godmother of Masturbation and Female Orgasm Supergenius, describe sex as a dance we do with each other while bringing ourselves to orgasm. She wrote a book about it called Orgasms For Two that you should check out. In it, she touts the vibrator as the female O's best friend, and, twere she your personal sex coach, she'd be standing on the sidelines, screaming at you to get in there and bring your vibrator with you. And while I agree that vibrators are an excellent addition to partner sex, I also have some other pointers.
1) Bring your fantasies in there with you too. Practice masturbating to the filthiest, sleaziest, ninety-nine-whores-on-a-wall epic you can imagine, and then conjure it up when you're in bed with a guy. Concentration is key to the female orgasm, so not only will this help you focus, but it'll hopefully turn you on to the point of no return.
2) Keep your eye on the clit. The majority of sexual positions satisfy the penis, but don't come anywhere near the clitoris (whoever's responsible for the human genital layout isn't winning any design awards from me). Make sure some part of him is rubbing up against your hot spot, and if it's not, make sure his, or your, hand is. You probably like cunnilingus so much because it tends to concentrate on this area, so make sure your button is getting pressed. And getting pressed hard, please.
3) Relax. I know you said you don't hold back, but I suspect there's a part of you that is. When you cum, you experience a total loss of control, if only for a few seconds. This can be overwhelming, and a lot of people subconsciously protect themselves from experiencing it, so make sure you sleep with people you trust, be in the moment, and practice, grasshopper, practice!
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