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Living in Sin: Radar

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Jen Sincero is a musician, sexpert, and the author of the bestselling book, The Straight Girl’s Guide To Sleeping With Chicks and the semi-autobiographical novel, Don’t Sleep With Your Drummer. She currently hosts a weekly sex talk radio show called Dr. Happypants on

Living in Sin is her weekly advice column for LA's sexually curious, confused and constipated. Got a question for Jen? Ask her. We promise to be discreet (all questions will be posted anonymously).

Dear Jen,
I've had a handful of experiences with women, sometimes with my husband present, sometimes without. I recently tried to proposition a friend by discussing how I'd been intimate with a girl we both knew. I asked her if she'd ever done anything like that, or if she'd be into trying it, and she said "no way!" So the book slammed shut, and I was so freaked out by being rejected that now I'm scared to approach anyone else.

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I'm just wondering, how do you develop a radar for girls who are down?

I recently did a reading of my book, "The Straight Girl's Guide To Sleeping With Chicks," in a bookstore that was hosting a Socrates discussion group in a study area a few aisles down from my talk. When a couple of little old ladies wandered in and took seats in the front row, blinking at me, expectantly, like a pair of chickens, I almost asked them if they realized where they were. But rather than make them feel self-conscious, I decided to keep them in the corner of my eye lest one should topple off her chair at the mention of the word vagina.

As it turned out, they were exactly where they intended to be (one even asked me a question about lesbians and if I thought they were born that way thank you very much.)

That very same week I taught a workshop on the subject to a room full of soccer moms, nerds, hippies, CEOs, and one lady who was wearing pants with teddy bears all over them. In a police line up investigating a stolen dental dam, every single one of them would be free to go home.

There really is no way to tell just by looking at someone what they're into, so you must indeed use radar. Much like the bat that sends out high-pitched noises to find food and avoid obstacles, so too should you send out your own signals and see what bounces back. Otherwise, how the hell are you supposed to know what's out there?

But how do you develop this radar? You already have. You did exactly what you should have done with your friend back there, you just didn't like what bounced back, and now you've hit the wall. But are you really going to let one sourpuss ruin all your fun? Just because she's not into exploring her sexuality, why should that make you feel badly that you are?

Pull yourself together, keep making your little noises, and I promise you, you'll wind up with a lady in no time. I just can't make any promises about what she'll look like.

Got a question for Jen? Ask her.

Previous Sins.