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Living In Sin: Newlywed and Underlaid

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Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,
I am a 21 year-old male who lost his virginity to the girl who is now my wife at 19. I want sex 24/7 just like when we first met, but now everything seems to have switched. We only have sex like once a week and it's always the same thing where she gets her way, always missionary and no position change. We used to be so open sexually - we experimented with anything and everything. I have only slept with her and still feel I have so much experimenting to do, meanwhile I’m the 8th person she’s been with so I feel like she is finishing her sexual career and I'm barely starting.

What can I do to jumpstart things? How can I help her open back up? Is it something I'm just completely missing? Anything that can help me reclaim my sex life would be a great help because now I find myself masturbating 3 or 4 times daily and it sometimes affects my work. Thank you for any help. – Cut Off at the Starting Line

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Dear Cut,
When you get to be a certain age, a terrible, terrible thing is going to happen to you. You are going to wake up one day to discover that all your friends, all those fun, spontaneous people who were always game for hikes, concerts, dinner parties, trips to India, hours of pant-wetting laughter, deep discussions, creative projects and brilliant brainstorming sessions have disappeared. They have wandered off into the abyss of new parenthood.

They have traded in precious time with dear sweet you for those things with giant wobbly heads. They’re now focused on those projectile vomiters who roll their freaky, unfocussed eyes at you and envelop you in vague gazes that speak of their fresh arrival from (and, no doubt, partial residence still on) “the other side.” For me, it’s not terribly appealing. Babies are extremely wiggly. Some are born with lips that have enough sucking power to deflate even the oldest and strongest of friendships. And all of them have soft spots on their heads where their fragile baby brains lay unprotected. Squich squich. If that’s not fully creepy, I don’t know what is. I don’t care how cute their feet are.

Yet whenever my married friends tell me their big news, I’m genuinely excited for them. Because what more could you ask for than to see the people you love get what they want? But my excitement for them is much the same as the excitement I feel when I hear someone excellent and nearby is moving to another country, or has fallen madly, obsessively in love or has started going to AA – it’s fabulous for them, it’s back to the drawingboard for me.

Because I don’t want children, and because the haves and the have nots tend to live lives that only cross paths at the occasional farmers market, I have tried to talk some of my most treasured friends out of reproducing. And I have yet to succeed. I have also failed at talking my neighbor into trading in his surfboard for paddle tennis with me and was ignored by my mother year after year when I suggested that she get us a horse instead of a dog.

Here's the annoying thing about other people: You are not in control of deciding what they want. You are not the boss of them. You are only the boss of yourself.

That's why when it comes to getting your wife to have wild and crazy sex 24/7, if she doesn't want to, there's not a whole lot you can do about it other than let her know how it makes you feel. If she's willing to work with you on it, great, if not, you have to decide if you're willing to stick around.

As far as your constant fiddling goes, keep in mind that nothing obsesses us like that which we cannot have. While I think that being young and horny is normal, it sounds to me like you're obsessing over it because you can't have it. Sex, like smoking pot or over eating or compulsive traveling, is an excellent distraction from dealing with other parts of your life. And I don't blame you for not wanting to deal, because it sounds to me like you could be in a doomed marriage. To still be in the honeymoon phase and begging for sex is not a good sign. Her lack of enthusiasm could just be a phase, but it could also be about something much deeper. I strongly suggest you guys get some counseling and figure it out because if it continues on like this, you're in for a lifetime of resentment, frustration and some serious carpal tunnel.

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