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Living in Sin: New Jack Swing
Note: Living in Sin had been running every Thursday. It now will run on Tuesdays.
Jen Sincero is a musician, sexpert, and the author of the bestselling book, The Straight Girl’s Guide To Sleeping With Chicks and the semi-autobiographical novel, Don’t Sleep With Your Drummer. She currently hosts a weekly sex talk radio show called Dr. Happypants on killradio.org.
Living in Sin is her weekly advice column for LA's sexually curious, confused and constipated. Got a question for Jen? Ask her. We promise to be discreet (all questions will be posted anonymously).
My wife of 19 plus years and I began experimenting with swinging three years ago and it's been f*@&*! great! I love so much about it, especially seeing my wife with other guys. Lately however, my urge to screw other women (the one swinging act that my wife can't handle) has become a bit of a distraction.
We communicate really well and have discussed this at length. She understands my desires, but she's worried the visual will be troubling for her after the act, and so she steadfastly remains opposed.What would give her the confidence to know that the sight of me with someone else might actually be stimulating? None of this is worth losing my relationship over by the way - I know how good I have it that my wife actually enjoys her sexuality - but is it bad to want more? Should I just try and give up this fantasy?
First of all, my congratulations to you for handling this often very tricky lifestyle with such flair! Not only have you maintained a loving, communicative, and juicy marriage for almost two decades, you've tossed in the hand grenade of extra marital sex and marched out unharmed and victorious, with someone else's toothmarks on your wife's nipples.
It's precisely because you're such a superstar in the communication arena that I'm certain you already know my answer to your question. Your letter was just a last ditch effort to see if you could somehow turn fact into fiction. Just like that time in high school when my Mom busted me and Lisa Miletti smoking behind the shed in our backyard and I said, "What? You're cool if I smoke, right?" - you know the answer. You're just hoping for a miracle.
As you so astutely put it, none of this is worth losing your relationship over. You are lucky to have a wife who actually enjoys her sexuality. It's not bad to want more (we always want more) but it's silly, and potentially destructive, to continue seeking it out when it goes against her wishes.Why not put all that pent up energy into coming up with a brand new fantasy? Surely you can whip up something that's erotically mind blowing to both of you. It's my opinion that every single human brain houses a vast resource of sexual creativity, and that most people go through life just skimming the surface. People can be lazy, ashamed, and perhaps a little afraid of how much they'll get off on dressing up like Little Bo Peep. So it always makes me happy when I hear of someone putting time and effort into this area of their life. Keep up the good work, and invite that wife of yours to skip off to some unexplored corners of your dirty mind.
Got a question for Jen? Ask her.