Living in Sin: Make Believe Betrayal
Jen Sincero is a musician, sexpert, and the author of the bestselling book, The Straight Girl’s Guide To Sleeping With Chicks and the semi-autobiographical novel, Don’t Sleep With Your Drummer. She currently hosts a weekly sex talk radio show called Dr. Happypants on killradio.org.
Living in Sin is her weekly advice column for LA's sexually curious, confused and constipated. Got a question for Jen? Ask her. We promise to be discreet (all questions will be posted anonymously).
I’m happily married to a beautiful, funny and self-confident woman. My previous long-term relationship was torpedoed by my ex’s infidelity, so when my wife recently dropped the bi-curious bomb on me, I was floored. If I didn’t have any hang-ups I might be able to enjoy all that this new kink has to offer, but because of my history, I can’t look past what this would mean: infidelity.
We’ve had several good talks about it and she’s assured me that she understands my feelings and won’t break our trust. And yet, I’m pretty certain that she occasionally scans the personals for WSW ads. It may be an innocent act that fuels her fantasies, but now I’m a nervous wreck every time she leaves the house, or goes out of town, or takes a personal call in the other room. Is she setting something up on the side to “get this out of her system?”I guess my real questions are: can a couple find a way to indulge such fantasies within their marriage, or will the desire to sleep with someone else always win in the end? And if we agree to let her sleep with a woman, can a square like me ever reconcile my feelings of betrayal and hurt?
First of all, you don't have "hang-ups" because you're not into the idea of your wife doing the wild thing with someone else. That makes perfect sense to me. You do, however, have a very serious jealousy problem, which will grow huge and thorny and devour your relationship if you don't deal with it.
There is nothing wrong with your wife having fantasies about sleeping with other people (who the hell doesn't?!) The important thing is that she's never betrayed your trust - what will being suspicious of her every move do other than drive both of you crazy? Saddling her with your baggage from your ex's behavior is unfair, paranoid, and potentially lethal - she may wind up inviting the girls over for a game of naked "find the ping pong ball" just to get rid of you.Your real question is: where can you find a good therapist to get you over your fear of betrayal? Trying to work out the specifics of this issue, and many others, will be a disaster until you get a hold of yourself.
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