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Every week in Living in Sin, Jen Sincero provides advice to LA's sexually confounded. You can see her column in print in the LA Alternative Press, or have it sent to you every week by signing up for her newsletter. Ask Jen your questions: all are posted anonymously
Dear Jen,
My boyfriend and I get along really well and are wicked attracted to each other, but we're both lazy when it comes to being in charge sexually. We're both dyed-in-the-wool bottoms, and have argued more than once about who has to do all the work. Every once in a while I get motivated, but I love to lie around and be serviced. Problem is, so does he. If we could have sex without either one of us having to move, we'd be in heaven! It gets really bad if we've been partying (the laziness, I mean), which we kind of do a lot. Do you have any suggestions?
- Do Me, Just Don't Wake Me Up
Dear Wake Me,
Put down the bong, drink a nice big cup of coffee and figure out what's more important to you: sleeping off your hangover while having sex, or being with this guy. For some people, their topness or bottomness is an integral part of their beings, as un-negotiable as my Uncle Clem's love for my Aunt Ida's veal scallopini, manicotti, chicken parmesan, brocciole, gnocchi with spicy sausage in cream sauce, tiramisu, cannolis and everything else responsible for the big-fat-mafioso-so-tight-with-gas-he-can-barely-speak-above-a-Godfather-whisper stereotype. Clem had four open-heart surgeries, and was two-hundred pounds overweight when he died at fifty-three. His doctor told him that his heart was the size of a Buick, and that if he didn't lay off the sauce, he'd be dead before he grew wrinkles around his eyes. Clem responded, in his wheelchair, napkin defiantly tucked under his chin, that he'd rather die happy than thin. And so he did.
Sometimes, it's the same with sex. I've got a friend whose boyfriend does things like put her in a cage and has her clean the bathroom floor in a garter belt with a ball gag in her mouth. They couldn't be happier, and I'm certain that if one day she decided she'd like to put the leash on him for a change, everything would fall apart. It would be the celery stick that replaced the meatball, so to speak.
I don't know where you guys fit into the whole power exchange game - is submissiveness a huge part of your sexual identities, or do you fight over who has to get out and pump gas and sleep in the wet spot too? If it's just a laziness thing, or a whiskey dick thing, you need to start taking turns, and lay off the sauce, if you want to stay together. Learn how to enjoy being on top (is there anything worse than feeling like someone's doing you begrudgingly?) Experiment with different positions and moves, and find some that you like, or at least some that don't exhaust you too much. Focus on how much you adore him, and are hot for him, and less on how great it would feel to have your face in the pillow. Either that, or maybe you guys could find a willing third to come over and take care of both your sexual needs? And perhaps mix you drinks while he's at it?
If you're both bottoms, and a bottoms you shall always be, you need to go out and find yourselves some tops. Sex is a rill important part of every relationship, and you guys may make better spooning partners and drinking buddies than boyfriends.
