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Living In Sin: I Speak For The Butts
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Every week in Living in Sin, Jen Sincero provides advice to LA's sexually confounded. You can see her column in print in the LA Alternative Press, or have it sent to you every week by signing up for her newsletter. Ask Jen your questions: all are posted anonymously.
Dear Jen,
My boyfriend is dying to get me to try anal sex. I've had a finger in there before, and that wasn't bad, but I'm having issues with the whole sanitary thing. To me, nothing should be shoved up there unless the doctor needs to check you. Or maybe you can't poop and you need an enema? That's OK, too. I'm afraid of crapping all over the place, for one thing. Second, how dirty is anal sex? Doesn't your anus carry a ton of bacteria since your poop comes out of there?
- Scared To Put It In The Piehole.
Dear Piehole,
Do you know who The Lorax is? He's this Dr. Seuss character who lives in a beautiful place where the sun always shines, the humming fish hum and the brown bar-ba-loots eat Truffula Tree fruits. One day, a factory comes and sets up shop and starts chopping down all the Truffula Trees to make thneeds (these things that everyone needs). The Lorax pleads with the factory owners to consider what they're doing to the land. "I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees," he says. They ignore him, and soon there are no more trees, the rivers are full of muck, the air turns black, the fish die and the brown bar-ba-loots go off in search of other kinds of fruit.
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Ever since I started writing this column, I feel like I've become The Ass Lorax. "I speak for the butthole, for it cannot speak for itself," I say. I am constantly pleading with people to stop making fun of it, spreading rumors about it, saying it's unsexy, scary, not to be trusted. And now, here you are worried that it's got cooties and will have stuff flying out of you like a firehose.
It's just a little round hole that needs love like the rest of us. Brings a tear to mine eye. It really does.
Here are the butt facts you've requested:
Your poop is stored in your colon, which is way up there, past your anus, past your rectum, off the soccer field. When you get a call from Mr. Brown, it's because he's moving towards the front door. He doesn't hang out there until he's ready to leave, so if you stick something up there, unless you have to go rill bad, or you're incontinent, you probably won't shake anything loose.
As far as bacteria goes, yes, there is some, and you should wash anything off that goes up your butt before sticking it in your girl parts. But it's hardly less sanitary than gobbling up wieners, balls, pussies, feet or even tongues - if you want to talk germs, let's talk about how filthy mouths are. And hands! Lord only knows what those things have collected during a day. Sex is messy, people, yet the butt is dubbed the dirty bird. I hope this new knowledge will help you embrace your little friend down there, because, believe you me, it has a lot to offer in the pleasure department.
All I am saying, is give butts a chance.
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