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Living In Sin: I'm In Love, Kill Me Now

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Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,
I am only writing because I feel like I need an external, separate source to tell me that I'm right, and that all of my bad feelings from this 'relationship' are my fault, which means I need to get out fast fast fast.

I've been sleeping with this man I know for the past five months or so. Everything was great in the beginning - the sex was fun, he's into trying new things and experimenting, etc. He was so good that I did the inevitable no-no: I started to have feelings for him. Worse, I fell in love with him. I know, right? Kill me now.

Soon after learning of my demise, I took it further (like, why not hang me while I'm already dead) and told him I wanted to be committed and didn't want to just f*** around any more. To my dismay, he said in so many words and actions that he didn't want the same. He felt we needed to 'get to know each other better' before taking it to the next level.

Well, it's been several weeks since I told him how I felt. And since then, I've been pulling away, simply because it's been emotionally awkward and draining for me to have sex with him when I know that I want a committed relationship. My friends think I'm crazy. They tell me I have to take it slow and that I should enjoy spending time with him. Frankly, I think that's a bunch of bull and that any woman who sticks around for the enjoyment of spending time with someone while not getting what she wants is better off shooting herself in the face with a be be gun. On top of that, I don't think there's much to wonder about, so I'm pretty frustrated with his whole 'get to know each other' b.s. I'm a great person, sexy, in tune with my sexuality, funny, good-spirited, socially conscious, smart, and did I mention sexy? So I'd rather walk away from this one than spend my precious time ‘getting to know each other.'

That was the 'this is what I should do' side of me talking. But, of course, there is that little part of me that wishes, oh wishes, that my friends were right. That this guy would come to his senses, or better, that he is already in love with me and is waiting to tell me in the right moment. Or that he'd come around one day and tell me he wants to be with me. If I can just stay a little longer...

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Recently, he wanted to meet up. Clearly, he sensed something was up just when I was about done with him, and wanted to have a talk. He mentioned a sense of distance--sharp guy. He didn't want to lose what we had--whatever that means. He said he missed me. Mhmm. Excuse my sarcasm, but it's because I feel I know that he's talking about my tits and vagina. But Jesus Christ, talk about hormones and pheromones! He just gets to me, like I want to jump his guns even if I already had a good orgasm. And even though I know it was wrong wrong wrong, I couldn't resist saying yes to his offer to come over to his place the following week. Now I'm regretting it terribly.

So, tell me that I'm right about being wrong, wrong, wrong, and that I should walk. I need some team support to get over my infatuation with this man. Thanks.
- Lust to Love

Dear Love,
I had an interesting talk with a friend of mine the other day. He's a great guy in his late 40's who'd love to meet someone special around his own age. The problem is, he says, is that women his age are in a race against time. They're either panic stricken by the deafening toll of their biological clocks, too damn tired to be out there running around playing the field or, I don't know, instantly smitten by his manly man ways. It made sense to me, but I forgot to ask him what his version of quick was. Are these babes demanding the title of girlfriend within weeks? Months? The moment after he provides them with their first orgasm? And what does he consider to be a reasonable amount of time to get to know someone?

In general, I do think that men and women are biologically predisposed to want different things: men want to spread their seed, women want someone to stick around. That said, I have witnessed this very same guy fall ass over teacups for someone and want her to be his, all his, about fifteen minutes after meeting her. So what's my point? Excellent question. What the hell is my point?

My point is that we know nothing. There are no rules, each situation is different and trying to figure out what someone else is going to do or feel is a total waste of time. You only know what makes you happy, and it sounds like your current set up isn't. Having sex with someone who doesn't love you back is a great way to feel like crap all day, every day, so yes, I agree, you need to make some changes. But rather than shoot yourself in the face with a be be gun, why not give him a chance instead? If he does indeed want to get to know you better like he says he does, hows abouts going on some dates, talking about stuff on the phone, keeping your horn dogs penned up so you can hold hands and think pure thoughts for a while? If he can't be near you without being in you (especially after you've told him how you feel) get rid of him. And if you can't be near him without jumping his bones, you're going to get what you ask for. I know it's hard, but there comes a time when your misery outweighs your desire, and you are clearly there my suicidal friend. Take lots of cold showers, never get drunk around him, focus on your heart, not your groin, and you'll soon know whether to stay or go without having to break out the noose.

Photo by Mel Kots & John Kots via flickr