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Living In Sin: Holes Vs. Poles

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Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,
I have a question that's been driving me NUTS. I can't decide between boys and girls. It's killing me. Have you ever felt this way? At first I thought it was cool to be bisexual, like there were so many more possibilities for love, but now I feel like I just need to make a decision between the two genders. Why? Because I am 26, in NYC and want to one day get married and have a family.

I spend a lot of my time in lesbian bars and I love my lessie friends, but sometimes I feel like it's all a big waste of time if I will one day end up with a guy. If I want to marry a man I should be on fucking J-date dating dudes. I've loved both men and women. My male gay hairstylist told me, "if you don't have to be gay...don't be,” and that's really stuck in my mind, as I feel like I have a choice in the matter. I don't want my life to be harder than it has to be and I want to be happy. How can I find out which sex I will be happiest with? I don't want to waste anymore time. I want to make a commitment to dating, and then marry either a man or a woman.
- Biconfused

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Dear Biconfused,
I know several people who went through law school, who put their brains in a vice grip for three fun-free years, ruined their eyesight, went into debt as deep as the deep blue sea and stumbled out with a fancy law degree only to discover that they’d really much rather make muffins for a living or something. I think it’s safe to say that these are the people who went to law school because they thought they should, not because practicing law made their hearts happy.

Your letter reeks of a similar, deadly "shouldness" that is going to land you in unhappyville too if you're not careful. You say you could just as easily be with he or she, but from the sound of your letter, she is way more interesting to you at this point in your life. Finding a dude because it's easier/because you live in NYC/because your hairdresser told you to are not exactly the kinds of reasons to do anything, let alone find someone to settle down with. As you half-heartedly mentioned in your very last sentence, you can also marry a woman. And have a family. And a really great life. If that's what you really want. So what if it's harder - if that's what you decide you want, wouldn't you rather work at being happy than take the easy road to misery?

The whole deciding which gender to be with can be confusing, but why do you have to decide? Why not just do what the rest of us do - date people who make you feel funny down there and when you find a really super good one, stick a ring on their finger? For you, it's about the person, not what's in their pants, so keep your eye on the prize.

The whole missing out on the other gender once you commit to one is a bummer, but that's what commitment is all about: missing out on stuff and other giant bummers. That's why so many of us run screaming from it like we're on fire. Nobody, be they straight, gay, bi, whatever, is ever thrilled about the sudden lopping off of other options once they commit to another person, but we do it because the benefits far outweigh the fact that we may never go to another lesbian orgy again (depending on who we wind up with, of course).

So please, stop worrying about it, stop trying to force yourself to do what you "should" and just enjoy your life. If you really wanted to be on fucking J-date, you would be, but you're having fun at the lesbian bars at the moment so have fun at the lesbian bars. Who knows, you may bump into the man of your dreams on your way there? You have no control over who you're going to fall in love with so stay open, keep putting yourself out there and listen to your heart, not your hairdresser.

Photo by bowbrick via flickr