Living In Sin: Go Blow Yourself

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Every week in Living in Sin, Jen Sincero provides advice to LA's sexually curious. You can see her column in print, too, in the LA Alternative Press. Ask Jen your questions: all are posted anonymously.

Dear Jen,
I am a trim, healthy straight man and I have a problem with a girlfriend. Recently, while playing in bed, I said, "watch this babe!" and then proceeded to suck myself off for a few seconds. I thought that this would excite her, but it did the opposite. She got very flipped out and angry instead. Do you have any idea as to why a woman would react this way?
- Because I Can

Dear I Can,
Really? You can really do that? And she got flipped out and angry? Sigh. There's no lonelier feeling than having our big, "look ma, no hands!" moments fall on unimpressed eyes. It really takes all the fun out of it.

If it makes you feel any better, I can think of several ladies at this very moment who would happily come over and give your little act there an enthusiastic look see. I for one am always impressed by feats of great physical complication. My aunt used to be able to crack open nuts with her big toe (bunions have since felled the great lady). I could watch that all day, and sat there feeding her things to shell for hours, like an elephant at the zoo. Then there was my ex-boyfriend who could burp the entire alphabet on command. One burp. Two words: Sex. E. But the one who left me the most pie-eyed was the lead singer of some punk band that went on before us in New York one time. He was this naked, drunk, angry, sweaty guy, who twisted open a beer bottle with his ass cheeks, guzzled it down, and smashed it over his own head. Then his band kicked in and he leapt off the stage into the crowd, swinging punches and screaming, "EAT MY FUCK YOU FUCKING ASS TITS!" Was I a little jealous, just like your lady friend no doubt is? How could I not be? But did I get flipped out and angry when half the crowd walked out after the great man left the stage? Of course not. Because I couldn't compete with that, nor did I want to. It would have been disrespectful, like getting to see Neil Young and then being all mad that he was a better guitarist than I was. Unlike your girlfriend, I chose to revel in the fact that I got to share the stage with such staggering genius (and attempted, and sadly failed, to find the bottle cap afterwards as a souvenir).

Your girlfriend doesn't have to find your self-sucking sexy, but getting angry and flipped out about it seems a tad dramatic to me. Maybe she's worried that you can do it better than she can - does she throw things at you when you jerk off too? Maybe she's just super conservative, or was attacked at the circus as a child or something. I don't know. All I know is you shouldn't do it in front of her if you be wantin to get some.