Living in Sin: Getting the new guy to bring it on
Every week in Living in Sin, Jen Sincero provides advice for LA's sexually curious. e-mail Jen your question, which will be posted anonymously.
Dear Jen, I am a 36 year old woman and I'm dating a guy who I like a whole lot. He's handsome, smart, laughs in all the right places, and, better yet, he gets me all hot and bothered. The problem is, he never wants to bring it on. I've never felt like I was a big horn dog, as a matter of fact, I'm pretty prudish, but suddenly all I can think about is sex. Am I just reaching some kind of sexual peak? Is it possible for a guy to have a low libido? And if so, how can I get him to play with me?
What is it about that which we cannot have that makes us so obsessed? I know a woman who was dead sure that no way in hell did she want children. Ever. Then she hit 45, and all of a sudden she's down at the fertility clinic, nervously biting her nails with the rest of the biologically clocking out. We Americans, we like our options. As long as we have options, we can obliviously go about our day, but the second they're taken away from us, we wake up and start screaming.
This really hit home for me the time I asked my Dad if he would help me pay for therapy. I was having a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, and my Dad, who grew up in Italy in the '30s and '40s, said, "You don't need therapy. What you need is a war fought on your soil."
In your case, the stripping away of your sex options seems to have awakened your inner ho bag, and as thrilled as I am to see her alive and kicking, I'm not so thrilled that it's under such confidence-crushing circumstances. Before you make yourself too crazy over this guy, make sure that you're really hot for him, not that you're hot for him because he's rejecting you.
photo by angielove via flickr
As far as he goes, there are many reasons why he could be acting like Chastey McChasterson. Maybe he's just not into you. Or maybe he's so into you that he wants to wait until you know each other better. Or maybe he's a virgin and he's terrified. Or he's got an embarrassing tattoo down there. Or he knows your prudish ways and doesn't want to upset you. Or he's an emotional basket case. I could go on for pages, as I suspect you already have, which is why you need to talk to him. Ask him what's going on, and decide if he's worth waiting for once you know the truth.
If he says he has a low libido, then there are things that can be done — therapy, testosterone boosts, gay bar hopping — but he's the one who has to do them. You can try sassafrassing your way into his pants all you want, but if he's not game, it won't do much more than make you feel awful about yourself.
Guys who are handsome, smart, funny and not into sex make great friends, not great boyfriends. You need to get yourself someone who's all that with a boner on top, and let your newly-awakened sex kitten
get what she deserves.