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Living In Sin: Dr. Strangelove

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Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,
Recently it was revealed that the Pentagon, under Bill Clinton, was working on a secret Gay Bomb.

It apparently involved a strong-enough hormonal attractant to turn entire opposing ranks homosexual and hopelessly in lust with each other. They (we) spent a few million, but now it's supposedly a shelved project.

I must admit, I'm hopelessly heterosexual and can't imagine a chemical that would change that. But I’ve always been interested in the role of smells, and presumably that's how the secret Gay Bomb would have worked. Opinions?
- I Smell a Homo

Dear Smell,
Well, now there’s an idea. I smell a great movie, no, wait, a great musical. A bunch of queens sneak into the Pentagon, steal the bomb and suddenly life is a cabaret! Figure skating is declared the national sport, overpopulation, unwanted teen pregnancy and abortion become non-issues and Cher finally takes her rightful place as president.

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Yes, it is sad, and staggeringly insulting to the gay population, but true: the macho pinheads who run our country did pull such a stunt, wasting millions of our hard-earned dollars (7.5 to be exact) appealing to their own homosexual neurosis. Why on earth would turning the opposing team gay make them any easier to fight? Do they think they’d just be like, “ow, quit it!” when they got shot? That they’d be too busy carving their initials inside little hearts on the barrack walls, and grinding to the latest Kylie single, to go out and fight? That straight women are tougher than lesbians?

If anything, it would work against them. The gays I know work much harder at staying in shape than the straight boys do. And, as a seasoned fag hag who's said the wrong thing to the wrong queen on several occasions, I've found that they're a hell of a lot more creative at retaliating when you piss them off. And who wants to fight against people who are intimately involved? Defending someone you're in love with is a much stronger, and immediate, impulse than defending your country. And if we're just talking about lust - if I found something I liked, I know I'd do whatever it took to keep that fine piece of ass in one piece.

If you could change someone's sexuality by smell, I think Dick Cheney would have made sure we'd figured that out by now. And that the powers that be, especially Bill Clinton, would have figured out how to put it in pill form to facilitate more hot girl on girl action.

The research into what causes homosexuality has been going on for decades, and it's still murky as to whether it's biological or learned. And apparently, since there is no Gay Bomb, the government didn't have much luck figuring it out either. They should have used the resources that were right in front of their faces, and our 7.5 million dollars, and made a Dumb Bomb instead.

Photo by Sh4rp_i's via Flickr