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Living In Sin: Cootie Catchers
Every week in Living in Sin, Jen Sincero provides advice to LA's sexually confounded. You can see her column in print in the LA Alternative Press, or have it sent to you every week by signing up for her newsletter. Ask Jen your questions: all are posted anonymously.
My husband and I have been talking about having a threesome with another woman for a while now. We don't have any friends that we can do this with, so it would have to be with someone we don't know. We're both STD-free, and don't want to catch anything from this one night of fun sex. How do we find out if a potential bedmate has anything nasty down there without offending her?
- Mr. and Mrs. Clean
I realize I talked about Ted Bundy just last week, but for some reason he's heavy on my mind these days. Did you ever read that book about him called "The Stranger Beside Me"? It was written by this woman who sat next to him answering phones for the Suicide Hotline (yes, when he wasn't whooping it up at the sorority house with a crowbar, he was saving lives. Ain't life grand?) She was an ex-police officer, and was trying to crack the case, along with the rest of the country, of the crazy freak with a touch of The Angers towards young ladies with long hair. Meanwhile, there she was, sharing take-out Chinese food with him, night after night, at the crisis center.
My hair would still be standing straight up if I was her.
I'm just guessing, but I'll bet that if you asked him, before he got busted, if he'd violently murdered over thirty women, Ted Bundy would have huffily denied it. And you would have happily believed him, because he was hot and charming and had nice clothes and stuff.
You never know what dirty little secrets people are hiding behind their persuasive good looks, and since HIV is basically a viral serial killer, you shouldn't believe what anyone tells you. Or doesn't tell you. It may seem paranoid, but if we're talking about a stranger for one night, why take that chance?
This isn't where your focus should be anyway - the only real way to find out if they've got anything unsavory down there is to start your date off at the free clinic. Sexy. What you really need to focus on is how to protect yourself. Use a barrier for oral sex and muff to muff action. You can buy dental damns at sex stores, but the plastic wrap in your kitchen works just as well and is easier. Make sure your husband uses a condom, and be sure to use one on any sex toys you stick inside you, him, and her. Get yourself a good education on this stuff. Go online, or check out books like, "The Whole Lesbian Sex Book," "The Straight Girl's Guide To Sleeping With Chicks," or "Down and Dirty Sex Secrets."
As far as etiquette goes, the less of a big deal you make about it, the less offended she'll be. When someone gets in your car and puts on a seat belt, it doesn't mean they think you're a lousy driver, but if they got all weird and apologetic about it, you might. Same with safe sex. Just act like it's no big thing, and she'll assume you wrap everyone else up like a plastic burrito too.
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