Living in Sin: committed but bicurious
Jen Sincero is a sexpert, musician, and the author of the bestselling book, The Straight Girl’s Guide To Sleeping With Chicks and the semi-autobiographical novel, Don’t Sleep With Your Drummer. She currently hosts the weekly sex talk radio show Dr. Happypants on killradio.org. Every week in Living in Sin, Jen provides advice for LA's sexually curious.
Got a question for Jen? Ask her. We promise to be discreet — all questions will be posted anonymously.
Dear Jen, I've always been bicurious, but have never acted on it. For the last five years, I've been in a relationship with a wonderfully open-minded guy who, outwardly, doesn't seem to have a problem at all with the idea of me being with another woman (hell, what guy would?), but I feel that if I act on it, I'll be cheating on him. I've thought about a threesome, but I want to experience this alone first. I really don't want to hurt my boyfriend — what should I do?
Jen's answer after the jump.
I'm always amazed by the whole "it's another girl, so it doesn't count" thing. It's sort of like saying, "I ate an entire pizza, but drank diet soda, so it doesn't count." As far as I'm concerned, unless you've been issued a hall pass from your significant other, Commitment=not having your exposed genitalia fondled by another human being, regardless of gender, intoxication level, or mistaken identity. And while I agree that a lot of men love idea of their lady bumping uglies with one of her own kind, I also know that a lot of men don't. And that they're under a bit of pressure to love it if they don't.
I don't know which category your boyfriend falls under, but the only way to find out is to get mighty real with him. Let him know that this is something you really want to do, but that your commitment to him comes first. If he says no, leave it alone, but if he agrees to it, plan out exactly what that means (he gets to watch, you go alone but must bring back her panties as the Holy Grail, whatever) and stick to it closely.
From your letter, it sounds to me like your boyfriend is game. It's you I'm worried about. For some reason, even though he's given you the thumbs up (outwardly, whatever that means), you're still feeling sneaky about something. Perhaps this is a much bigger deal to you than just a quick lunch at the beaver bar? Perhaps you're afraid your three-headed, pussy-starved lesbian alter ego will come barreling out of the closet, devouring everything wearing a thong in her path?
The only way to know for sure is to try it, and luckily, it sounds like you're with a guy who will let you have your cake and eat it too. I know plenty of couples that regularly have other women in their relationships. If you're worried you'll wind up hurting him — aka, dumping him for a chick — that will suck, but it won't suck as hard as not doing something because you're afraid you'll like it too much.
Ask Jen your sexy question.