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Living In Sin: Burnin Love

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Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,
What’s the deal on being in love more than once? I've had the can't eat, can't sleep, head over heels type of love and it ended. Abruptly. While I now know it’s for the best and have moved away from that situation, I can't seem to find it with someone else.

Since then I've done the safe guy relationship, the no-strings-attached relationship and now I'm in the friend-turned-lover relationship realm. While I’ve cared deeply about all of these guys (and especially the one I’m with now), I can't help but feel that I won't have that same passion or head over heels feeling again. I don't think I'm still hung up on this guy – it’s been a year and a half, we've both dated other people and I still care about him, but I understand that we're not good for each other. So what’s the deal? I know I'm young, but is there hope?
- Where's the Love?

Dear Love,
There are lots of words in the English language that sort of seep into each other and it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. For example: “love/ lust,” “being nice/lying” or “gay/only do it when I’m drunk.” I’m not discounting the fact that you were probably really in love with this guy, but being addicted to passion can be a dangerous thing. Especially if, like you said, yours was centered around someone who wasn’t very good for you.

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Passion and love are sold both separately and together, but as anyone who’s been married for any length of time can tell you, the latter is way more important. Because the former wears off like…lipstick on a whore? Cheap weed? My ability to come up with a third analogy?

For example, here are some of the things I was passionate about at some point in my life:

Leif Garret
Stuffed animals
Really hot crazy guys
The Who
Writing music
My blankey

With the exception of a few, I never think about any of them anymore. And the ones that still apply aren't nearly the all-consuming forces they once were. Except for one, and it isn't math.

So yes, some guy will blow your skirt right up over your head again at some point in your life, but to expect him to come around every year and a half is a tad grabby. That kind of putting-your-keys-away-in-the-refrigerator kind of distraction is hard to come by.

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When he does show up, hopefully it'll be love/friendship (rather than drama/dysfunction/hot make-up sex) that keeps you together. And when the passion wears off and the skirt starts to fall, which it will, you need to get to work and keep it spicy. Because that fire in your groin isn't going to light itself.

Photo by Mohawk