This is an archival story that predates current editorial management.
This archival content was written, edited, and published prior to LAist's acquisition by its current owner, Southern California Public Radio ("SCPR"). Content, such as language choice and subject matter, in archival articles therefore may not align with SCPR's current editorial standards. To learn more about those standards and why we make this distinction, please click here.
Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.
Dear Jen,
My relationships all tend to follow a frustrating pattern, something along the lines of:
1) Meet guy and decide I want him.
2) Get him.
3) Lose interest in him.
4) Stay in the dying relationship for way too long before finally breaking it off.
5) Start dating new guy and, when interest in him fades, begin thinking about the last boyfriend constantly, and missing him a lot.
6) Break it off and meet new guy.
I also tend to plan escape routes from every relationship before they even begin to go bad, usually centered around moving or travel or something. And I stay in some sort of contact with my exes, on a friendly level. Is this a fear of commitment?
It seems to be getting to the losing interest point in my current relationship, but I don't want to check out again only to regret it in a few months. Plus I really like this guy, I just don't know how to be present when it matters. What is this cycle and how might I break it?Dear Foot,
I was talking to a porn actress the other day about her hopes, her dreams and why this particular career path called to her. “The money,” she shrugged. “And the fact that my mother is a twat.” Apparently her mother had pretty much left her on her own her whole life, and when she was around, she either berated her or ignored her. So although her latest DVD touted her as a hot horny bitch who craved giant monster meat, in reality, she was there so satisfy a different craving, one more along the lines of: Hey ma, look! My vagina! In your face!
Pretty much every crazy thing we do can be traced back to some dopey adult who dropped the ball when we needed them most. I can only guess who ditched you when you were little or told you you were a giant sucking thing unworthy of love or who just didn't love you the way you wanted them to. I can only guess, but I'll bet his name rhymes with Shmad.
As is the case with most things related to our childhoods, dear old therapy is the best way to go. I also recommend hypnosis as a great way to re connoiter your subconscious wiring. Whatever you do, you have to do some work if you want to have a successful relationship, because until you get over whatever it is that you're holding onto, you're going to continue acting it out in your relationships with men.
Hopefully you can deal with it without losing your present boyfriend, but if not, what say you to the idea of not dating anyone for a while? Give yourself a chance to really purge your system of all the old boyfriends, all the need to fix whatever's wrong through your relationships and wait to hook up with someone new until you really want to for the right reasons?
There are books aplenty on fear of commitment. It's a common problem (because lousy parenting is a common problem) so you are in very good company. I don't know of any great ones in particular to recommend, but I just googled it and there are countless books, websites, organizations and hypnotherapists dedicated to your cause.
Now your challenge is committing to getting over your fear of commitment.
Photo by amg2000
