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Living In Sin: A Green-eyed Monster Stole my Wiener
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Every week in Living in Sin,Jen Sincero provides advice to LA's sexually confounded. Sign up for her newsletter and have it sent to you every week. Ask Jen your questions: all are posted anonymously.
Dear Jen,
My girlfriend has been asking for your book, "The Straight Girls Guide To Sleeping With Chicks," ever since it came out, and I finally got it for her for Christmas. She's very open about her bisexuality, but she says she's never been with another woman.
We've been together for about four years, and in that time I've realized that I'm also bisexual. She's an insanely jealous person, she can't even handle the idea of me being attracted to anyone else, let alone another man. She gets mad when I hint that I wouldn't be mad if she were to sleep with another woman and I guess it's because she thinks that if I don't get jealous like her, that means that I don't love her. She doesn't know that I'm also interested in guys, although I guess she probably suspects it. She wants to get married and have kids, and I want that too, but I can't go my whole life without ever getting to experiment with another guy.
I don't know what to do. I don't think that she'd break up with me if I told her I'm bi, but I think it would have a negative affect on our relationship, and on our sex life.- Two Bi Two
Dear Two,
I tend to worry when anyone describes their significant other by using the word "insanely" followed by something such as "violent," "hypocritical" or "attracted to my father". "Insanely beautiful" or "insanely good in bed" is a different story, but "insanely jealous"? This, she's not so good. You suspect that telling her you want to experiment with men would have a negative effect on your relationship, and I think you're onto something. In fact, I think those might be the last words you utter before your wake up wiener-less to the sound of her car tires screeching in the driveway.
Her flair for being jealous, and her wanting you to follow suit, are the real issues here, not the fact that you want to go ball to ball with the pizza delivery guy. She's basically saying, "I'm unreasonable, insecure, super dramatic and will make your life a living hell, and I'd like you to do the same for me. This way I know we're really in love." She is unstable and needs therapy. The fact that you're considering marrying this woman, and having babies with her, is where I begin worrying about you.
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Luckily, you have some choices:
1.) Marry her, have some kids, never tell her you're bi, seethe with resentment while she eats bon bons and flips merrily through my book. Watch on while she parades women in and out of your bedroom (you will be unauthorized to join in or even get an erection). Wake up at 60 in jail for homicide.
2.) Tell her you're bi, stand back, watch her head spin around and projectile vomit green gobs of jealousy all over your already insanely volatile relationship. Sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life and kiss all your friendships, and innocent interactions, with everyone of the male gender good-bye.
3.) Dump her crazy ass, buy a box of condoms and some cheekless leather chaps, get on the next flight to San Fran and taste all the fruits that this short, precious, hot and tasty boy-filled life has to offer.
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