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News

LAX Security

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Various news outlets are reporting that a crazed, naked Canadian man somehow evaded security at LAX long enough to jump a fence, run out onto the tarmac, and climb into the wheel well of an Australia-bound Qantas jet.

Ah, those wacky Canucks. Gotta love 'em.

Who else would have the chutzpah to crawl through razor wire, clambor over various sharp metallic airplanes with all their attendant jagged edges, streak by screaming, spinning jet turbines, and get up close and personal with the hydraulic system of a jumbo jet's landing gear, all with his member hanging out in all its fleshy, easily amputated glory?

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LAist shudders when we think of all the unspeakable things that could have befallen this guy. Hopefully, he will get the psychiatric help that he so obviously needs.

Now, in the wake of this incident, LAX security has some explaining to do. How was some nude nutjob able to penetrate the airport's perimeter defenses and actually climb onto a plane? What if this guy was toting a shoulder-fired missle, or a suicide bomber's belt packed with C-4? How do they plan to prevent further incursions?

And while those very serious questions are being answered, we sincerely hope that medical professionals are busy reinstilling a good, healthy dose of castration anxiety into the aforementioned intruder. After all, that's one anatomical item for which nature has not provided a spare.