An Immodest Proposal

In the latest of an increasingly dismal series of articles about the terrifying state of California's Economy, the lede says it all:

Wait, what?

If we were having this conversation face to face, my contribution would consist solely of "bwuh... huh... whaaa?" and I'd be sputtering like a Model T. Because honestly, how in the hell does the "eighth largest economy in the world" end up broke? That's like writing that the "eighth fattest man in America died of Anorexia", or that "Ross actually stopped rambling in the most boring fashion possible". Which is to say, we are talking about something that should cancel out the thing that comes immediately before it. Like the Obama Administration.

One of the most frustrating things about this crisis is how the entire economic situation is discussed by both politicians and journalists as some kind of natural disaster, ala` an earthquake or a hurricane. Just something that's sort of happened, with nothing we could possible have done to prevent it, and now that it's completely cornholing us on a nanosecondly basis, there's nothing we can apparently do to ameliorate¹ the matter.

Nope, nothing to be done. No solutions we can think of. Well, as the State Government and the Republicans who live for throwing monkey wrenches into everything have no sense of honesty or imagination, and since Democrats are suffering from terminal invertebrateness, no solutions (that don't involve screwing the meekest citizens of the state) are forthcoming from Sacramento. Well, as they say, if you want something done at right, you've got to bitch and complain do it yourself.

That's why we at LAist are ready to offer our unsolicited services and propose a few ingenious solutions that, just maybe, could get us out of this fix. After the jump, behold the solution to all our fiscal woes.

1) Repeal the yacht loophole.

Admittedly, repealing this might result in a sudden drop in the sales of Michael McDonald albums. But the benefit of making freeloading wealthy parasites pay their fair share for their little boating hobby is too lucrative to pass up.

2) Institute an Estate Tax.

California doesn't currently have one. Changing this sad fact would make it harder for the Paris Hiltons of the state to essentially make their life's fortunes simply by outliving their grandparents. "But wait!", you're shouting at the screen, "we'd have to wait through several years' worth of die-offs to reap the real rewards." And you're right of course. That's why I propose a simultaneous series of laws to, ahem, speed things up.

A) Mandate drug testing for anyone making more than 400,000 dollars a year

B) Mandate interracial dating for anyone over the age of 50 currently living in Orange County, the Inland Empire or San Diego.

C) Immediately create 13 subway stops throughout Beverly Hills. Blue Line, Red Line and Green line.

D) Outlaw the use of any Apple products anywhere inside the city Limits of San Fransisco and Santa Monica, or the bounderies of Los Feliz, Silverlake and the Fairfax district.

I guarantee the sudden spike in Heart Attacks will result in instant fiscal rewards for our beleagured State.

3) Repeal prop 13.

This is tricky, because it would need to be, and this is non negotiable, combined with another bill that immediately lowers property taxes on smaller houses and low income owners. Basically, the plan is to base property taxes on the size of the home and the income of the home owner, rather than the point in time when the home was purchased. Let's make those palatial beachfront estate owners sweat a little. Look, this one isn't funny but it would be more just than the current awful system.

But why stop with these admittedly conventional solutions? Why not try a few out-out-the-box ideas guaranteed to get us out of this fix:

4) Immediately move to reincorporate.

Let's disband and reincorporate the State of California as "California, LLC, a Family Company!^tm", a mortage lending institution/hedge fund manager/FDIC Protected Bank. Then apply for TARP funds. The Federal government will just give us free money!

5) Apply for political assylum in Somalia.

By doing so, we open ourselves up to the exciting possibility of a Piracy-based economy! Horrors, you say? Think about it like this - Hollywood and the RIAA spend millions in a futile attempt to combat music and movie piracy that does little more than attack single mothers and college kids. But as the saying goes, when you can't beat em, (and we can't), join em, or in this case, co-opt them and become their evil overlords!

Instead of clumsy attempts to regulate the un-regulatable, why not simply enlist the State's growing unemployed in a gigantic Pirate fleet consisting of confiscated cruise ships outfitted with Silicon Valley technology. While half the fleet is downloading Chinese music and movies and selling them in Chinatown (SWEET IRONIC REVENGE!!!), the other half can seize shipments of Priuses headed for the rest of the America and take them for ourselves. Environmentalism is never as sweet as when it's served cold.

6) Declare Independence.
Speaking of evil overlords, here's the plan: Under this scenario, we simply declare ourselves to be wholly independent from the US, and restyle ourselves as a Cobra Island or Latveria style independent nation of evil. Perfect for a people tired of wasted venture capital thrown at failing companies, or diminishing returns from Hollywood's moribund idea factory. Need a navy? See our earlier proposal about the Yacht Tax Loophole. Need an Air Force? A space program? Seize the JPL and shazam! Instant evil Air Force/Satellites of Hate. What about a tech sector? Let's just say that Silicon Valley will fall in line if it knows what's best for it.

Sure, that means Arnie becomes our very own Dr. Doom, but he's not the only one who benefits. As you must surely know, California is the home of the Universal Life Church, a religious entity which allows anyone with an Internet connection to become ordained as a minister in 30 seconds. That same spirit of acceptance and expedience can easily be adopted by the new (evil) nation's fledgling diplomatic apparatus. Simply set up a virtual state department online, add some form data and wham! Every citizen in the state is 30 seconds away from being an appointed ambassador of the Nation of Californiastan. Anyone who's seen Lethal Weapon 2 knows how awesome Dee-plo-matic Immunity can be.

All we have to do is seize the San Fernando Valley, shut down the Internet and threaten to delete the world's supply of pornography unless we're paid the sum of 20 Trillion Dollars. 10 minutes later, anyone who even so much as breathes the words "budget crisis" will be thrown into the pit of doom.

Or, maybe we could just raise taxes on the rich already? This isn't Rocket Science, right?

Fin.
1) I've been dying to use that word for weeks

Photo from idsfa via Flickr.