Support for LAist comes from
We Explain L.A.
Stay Connected

Share This

This is an archival story that predates current editorial management.

This archival content was written, edited, and published prior to LAist's acquisition by its current owner, Southern California Public Radio ("SCPR"). Content, such as language choice and subject matter, in archival articles therefore may not align with SCPR's current editorial standards. To learn more about those standards and why we make this distinction, please click here.

News

Getting Laid the Tasha Paradise Way

Stories like these are only possible with your help!
You have the power to keep local news strong for the coming months. Your financial support today keeps our reporters ready to meet the needs of our city. Thank you for investing in your community.

5b2bda0c4488b3000926b8a7-original.jpg

A looming Valentine's Day is like the last few strains of musical chairs. Everyone is in a hurry to partner up. Women get a lot of advice on picking up men, but there is not much out there for the average man. Most of the advice I read for men seems like so much bullshit. It's usually just a guide for getting laid, and even that is opportunistic bullshit.

The Tasha Paradise guide for getting laid will teach you how to get some action while respecting the woman's boundaries and self-esteem. If you are thinking to yourself, "As if I care about a woman's boundaries and self-esteem" then you need to be held back a grade. But if you are down for some mutually respectful recreational sex, who better to school you on how to get laid than a woman? It takes a thief to catch a thief.

First of all, you must accept that it is probably not going to happen the first night you meet us. You have to lay the groundwork first. You do get lucky occasionally, and then, good for you! But insistence and desperation are turn-offs. It's like bartering at flea markets. You have to be willing to walk away.

Support for LAist comes from

When on the prowl, be aware that women can generally be divided up into 3 categories:

1. The ones who cannot or will not ever sleep with you - Women are taught to be gentle and to not hurt people's feelings. So if a woman blows you off she probably means it. Especially if she tells you she is a lesbian. She is. So move on.

2. The ones who want to sleep with you but face an obstacle - if that obstacle is a boyfriend, give it up. Obstacles can mean drama. But often the reason she won't sleep with you is because she really likes you. It may seem counterintuitive, but think about it. Relationships don't usually start with one-night-stands. All she needs is a little patience.

3. The ones who already want to sleep with you, or aren't quite sure yet.

Let's concentrate on category 3.

You are already in. There is already an attraction. You have chemistry. All you have to do is not fuck it up. I can't begin to count the ways guys have fucked it up. Seriously. You guys really know how to blow it.

How do you learn not to blow it? There are user's manuals all around you. Not this crap written by men. Women's magazines! These are treasure maps to our innermost secrets. They are filled with articles about how we are trying to catch you. A lot of it is also bullshit. But they will teach you what NOT to do, and clue you in to the signals that we are trying to send you.

OK, so now you have a basic idea of what we are being told about catching you, so how do you catch us?

How to appear non-threatening:

The best place to pick up women is at a party thrown by mutual friends, or at a place where we are both regulars. There is someone to vouch for you, to confirm that you are not a serial killer. Don't be too desperate. Don't try to rush us into a situation where we don't feel safe. Don't make jokes about not being a serial killer.

Support for LAist comes from

Watch the conversation. Overly intrusive questions about where we work or live raise alarms. And even if we do end up talking about sex, tread lightly. Maybe there are some things you just don't want to know.

Don't be overly territorial, as if we are your property. Grabbing us, confronting other men who sniff around, or asking us who is calling us on our cell phone creeps us out.

How to take it to the next level:

Now that we trust you, and you have not gotten creepy, test the waters with innocuous touching. If we want you, we will be touching your knee when we laugh, brushing your bangs out of your eyes and picking lint off of your jacket. The hand is a safe bet. When we reach for something, a gentle touch on the hand to stop us so you can be gallant and hand us our drink, light our cigarette or put a dollar in the juke box, can be nice (but sometimes gallant can be seen as sexist - yes, we know we are confusing). If we rest a hand on you for any length of time, gently rest your hand on our hand. Put your arm on the back of the seat, not touching our shoulders. We will snuggle in if we feel safe. Leaning in and touching shoulders while talking is nice. All of these touches are non-intrusive. But if we lean away from your touch, retreat.

The more intimate touching may follow. Pay us a compliment, "You have such pretty hair," and stroke our hair. Admire our neck and gently run a hand down the side. Pay attention to our body language to see if we lean in and snuggle up or move away. That is how you learn our boundaries. Ask about the fabric on our clothing and then we can invite you to touch it. "That sweater looks so soft" has made me offer an arm for stroking more than once.

Kissing:

If we have gone this far, serious macking is in your future. Many women decide how good a man is in bed by the way he kisses. Seriously work on your technique. That is a whole 'nother blog. Pay close attention to her cues and shadow her movements. I suggest drawing this out. The more you make her want you, the better your chances. Wait until she is aching to go further. But if she pulls a move, don't hold back or she'll think you're not into her.

Second and third base:

I am going to assume that you are already in a private area. I am going to assume this is at least a date and not a bar hookup. Getting a girl to go home with you the first night you meet her is a tough sell. She has to feel safe. A group of friends, including mutual friends going back to your place for some more drinks is your best bet. Most girls buddy up for safety. Making her friend comfortable, safe and entertained helps. But it doesn't guarantee an in. You may have to settle for a phone number at this point and move on to the next step in a few days.

Be cautious yet confident when going to the next step. Make sure she is not so drunk she will regret it. And if she is too drunk to give consent, that is a crime. Go slow enough to make sure you have permission, but not so hesitantly that you seem awkward. We like nice guys, but we like confidence. Occasionally a sudden, decisive move has been very sexy. But this is an advanced move, requiring that you can read what kind of girl she is. If you are ready for that, you probably would not have read this far. Let her decide when and if to undo your belt. Don't just spring it on her. Don't force her hand down there or rub it up against her unless she is initiating the frottage. And remember, a little investment in her pleasure and the deferment of your own will pay off in the end.

Going for home:

If she has undone your pants, and things are progressing, you have to have the talk. The talk spoils the mood. But it has to be done. "I've been tested. Have you?" almost means, "Want to fuck now?" A quick assent on each side is good enough. No need to go into detail. having the condom very handy and being adept with it is crucial. Practice at home. There are safe sex manuals on how to properly use a condom. Fumbling can blow the mood. Most women have body issues. The more she feels adored and accepted, the more likely she will be into it. Don't give empty compliments, but worship and admire her. Let her know you feel lucky to have her and pay attention to her needs in bed.

Aftercare:

I am going to assume that you are not an asshole who is just ready to move on to the next conquest with no concern for tonight's conquest. If you don't want her sleeping there, or you are going to tip out, have that talk before the clothes come off. "I'd like to stay for a drink, but I do have an early meeting." If she spends the night, at least make her coffee or take her to Starbucks in the morning. Some men treat you like you are invisible after they have fucked you and it makes you feel like shit. Some normal, friendly morning conversation will reassure her you don't think she's a slut now.

If it was a one-time thing and you never want to see her again, thank her sincerely, and don't make any false promises. Do not promise to call. A, "Well, it was great meeting you" along with a sheepish grin is a kind hint. If she presses the issue, say something along the lines of, "Maybe we'll run into each other again at the bar/laundromat/dog park/12-step meeting" and then avoid that place for a few weeks. Hopefully you both were clear on what this was and you did not lead her on. All she wants is a little respect, not an engagement ring.

If you ever want any repeat action, ignore that 3-day rule. If she is the one leaving and it is dark, ask her to call to let you know she got home safely. And I know all you want to do is sleep, but throw on some shoes and walk her to her car. If you are the one bailing, call her the next day to thank her for a great time and let her know you'll be calling the next weekend, or whenever you plan to call. If you are really into her, make plans for the next date before leaving so she doesn't have the "will he call?" stress.

Congratulations. You have successfully gotten laid. This should build your confidence. You need confidence. Confidence without cockiness is the surest way to get laid.

Photo by Bella of Bacardi vis Flickr