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We're bouncing back and forth between the NBC and E! red carpet broadcasts. Woah, Dean Cain is carpeteering for NBC and he still looks like Scott Peterson. Dean, it's time to lose the highlights.

At the other end of the spectrum, Matt Dillon looks perfect. Really. Just perfect.

In the post-Dawson's Creek runoff, Michelle Williams has easily trumped Katie Holmes for best career, best father of her child, best husband. Look how cute she and Heath Ledger are on the red carpet! he kisses her and fixes her hair! Poor Katie. Poor TomKat.

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E! blows it by reporting that Nicolette Sheridan cancelled her hair and makeup people this morning and is (gasp!) blowing off the awards. Because she shows, on the arm of Michael Bolton. When Eva Longoria sees her she's going to be pretty damn surprised.

Matthew Broderick can't put down his crackberry. Wait, he finally did, he and Sarah are chattering with Isaac Mizrahi on E!TV. So much more fun than the too-long interviews with Nancy Odell on NBC. Maybe SJP is tipsy. She's having lots of fun.

Oh God, NBC's Sean just asked Hilary Swank how she's doing. Um, a week-old divorce announcement is not fodder for the red carpet. "I'm not single," she finally says when she gets to E!s Mizrahi. "We're working it out." Even our snarky living rooms think everybody should back off.

Starlet #1: Natalie Portman is channeling Audrey Hepburn, with super-short hair and a vintage 1950s Chanel dress.

Starlet #2: She's young, beautiful and skinny, and we want to hate her but we can't. Keira Knightly is kinda adorable.

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Peter Falk looks confused.

Damn, we catch this in super-slo-mo: Isaac Mizrahi squeezes Scarlett Johanssen's breast. He reaches under her left tit, grabs with one hand, and squeezes. Of all the fantasies men worldwide have had of touching Scarlett's boobs, we doubt this was any of them. It was not a straight man's fondle. Scarlet, to her credit, makes a big laughing OH face. Look for it tomorrow in replays (on cable).

Gwynneth is pregnant again. She says she won't win for Best Actress for Proof, so she's not nervous.

Paul Giamatti seems to be having a hell of a time. He just said "I can get hammered!" Maybe he thinks there's no way he'll win for Best Supporting Actor in Cinderella Man. He's wearing geek glasses and has a grizzly beard. If he comes to Spaceland, we'll never be able to pick him out of the crowd. But if we could, we'd buy him a beer.

Johnny Depp looks like a pirate. Because he just flew in from making the pirate sequel. Then again, he usually has the scraggly pirate facial hair. But he's still beautiful.

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Speaking of beautiful, if Candice Bergen has had work, everyone in Hollywood should track down her plastic surgeon. She looks gorgeous.

Isaac Mizrahi has said that orange is OUT. Nobody told Desperate Housewives' Marcia Cross or Rosario Dawson.

But she deosn't have to worry because Mariah Carey is wearing a dress that looks like it split open trying to hold her in. It's so wrong. All that money and nobody to help her find a decent dress.

Shirley MacLaine and Joaquin Phoenix scoot down the carpet (separately) avoiding the cameras.